The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need help. I have made a life with someone who has turned into an alcoholic. This person goes to AA, but continues to drink- has a sponser- but it makes no difference. I am so depressed, lonely, frustrated, and tired I can't stand myself. We own a nice house together, nice things- our lives could have been so complete- but it's ruined by broken promises, this A turning into a worthless bum who does nothing but drink and become an idiot. This is no who I signed up to share a life with. It's gotten to where I can't even be in the same room with this A, let alone make eye contact.
I have no friends or family for support. I'm in this alone and I'm breaking. I can't sleep, I can't find comfort anywhere. I don't make much money and can't afford to just pack up and leave. Besides that- no one would take care of this place, our pets, or pay the bills.
My S/O has just made the announcement that S/O is going to go to a 28 day treatment center. That's all fine and well- but how expensive is that? We barely make ends meet as it is. S/O is a professional driver and won't try to see if health insurance will cover this- being afraid of loosing job for this particualar problem.
I feel like Al-Anon could help me so much in dealing with all the B.S. my life has become. I can't find a meeting to attend in my area at the time I can go. This place seems to have online meetings which would be at perfect times for me. I need all the help and support I can get. I need other people in the same boat to relate. I can't stand myself or my life and I don't know what else to do. What goes on at these Al-Anon online meetings?
First off, you are not alone in this. My husband is an A too and life with him is terrible. I had to get rid of my 2 cats in order to start my healing. No matter how much comfort they gave me.
I have been to 2 Al-Anon meetings and they help. I was nervous the first time and didn't think I would talk, but I sure did and the second meeting was emotional for everyone. In the meetings they tell you that you have no control over the alcohol or what your S/O does. There are the three C's that we live by:
Didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it, can't CURE it. I repeat that along with the Serenity prayer.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
By reading some of the booklets, I read that we shouldn't bail out the A in our life. That they expect everyone else to do their bidding. You need to look in your phone book for the local shelter in case you need to get out in a hurry. Do you have a church? Usually the churches that have the AA and Al-Anon meetings can help you or point you in the right direction.
I sense your pain and you are not alone. This sight has helped me tremdously, but you do need a face to face meeting. Do you work when the meetings are? What stops you from going? If it's your A, go anyway. This is for you, not him.
If he has health insurance, it should cover the 28 days and no, I wouldn't think he'd get fired if he told his company. That's a sign of help.
You will be in my prayers and please keep coming back.
I'm pretty new here myself, but so far I have received much hope and comfort here. I'm not exactly sure how to explain what goes on in online meetings except to say we share with each other the issues that are going on in our lives as needed, so that others may take hope and know that they are not alone. We may also talk about the various steps of Al-Anon and how they apply in our lives. We don't tell you what to do, that is up to you to decide, but in sharing with others and learning to focus on ourselves and not the As in our lives, we each find the path that is best for us to follow.
The Serenity Prayer says a lot:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Along with the 3 c's....I didn't Cause alcoholism, I can't Control it. I can't Cure it....we learn to be responsible for ourselves and let others do the same.
I'm sure I didn't say that perfectly, but perhaps it is a beginning of an answer of your question....
Welcome page,,,I just want to remind you that we who have come to alanon were all "new" at one time or another,,,we finally had hit our bottoms and reached out for help. I too was skeptical and afraid to go to a meeting,,,however it was that or lose my mind entirely, so I went. It has taken me along time to find out that my husband who is the A (alcoholic) was not the only one with a problem. I was suffering from the adverse effects of this disease called alcoholism. And in actual fact I think I was crazier than he was trying to control his drinking and worried about him and his whereabouts all the time. In the meantime I was losing myself, my self esteem went lower, and my mind began a horrible journey of sadness/anger/resentment/and fear.
To find out you are NOT alone anymore, as so many of us thought at first, to find people who truly understand the extent of our suffering and be compassionate of our needs is a blessing in itself. I would strongly suggest you find a meeting in your area and start healing by doing so. I thought nothing would help me, except only if my A was to get sober. It doesnt work that way,,we have to start taking care of ourselves, focus on ourselves, find ourselves again,,before we can help anyone else. Thru this program I am finding myself again,,laughing again,,,crying less,,,and #1 starting to "LIVE " again whether the A is drinking or not. There is hope and together we find time to heal. Keep coming back,,it works if you work it,,,,glad you found us,,,,,gardengal
hi page, glad you found this great home. I really know where you are. I have been coming here for many years now. It saved my life more than once.
As far as the insurance paying for the inpatient, the company would not have bought insurance with that coverage had it not wanted it addressed. Also believe me, if he is pushing inpatient, support him all you can! Knowing he wants help is so cool.
He is very ill Page.If he had cancer I am sure you would do anything to get him into treatment. it probably has been a long time since you have seen the man you love. Believe me when he gets on a program, and is sober, you will see him again. He may be really into his sobriety, but be patient and support him.
the way you support him is by taking care of YOU. The desease is his own to deal with. He needs you to take care of you. I mean that in all ways. financially,emotionally, mentaly, and physically.
follow your passion, do simple things for you, things that please you. check out good books, go for walks, paint a room, take a bath with nice oils and candles and music.Make your nails pretty, do something different with your hair.
A book that is my Bible is,"Getting them sober," by andrew rice. I think that is the name. I find them at used book stores. You can get then online too. IF you cannot let me know and I will send ya one. I have sent them all over the world!! lol I do love this book.
The meetings are like the ones you can go to face to face. there is a monerator, we pick subjects then we raise our hands by doing this: ! we get called on and then we vent and say how we feel or whatever. when done, we say done. we are welcomede into our talk and thanked when we finish. It is wonderful.
Please come!! It is in the chat room part of this site. It will tell ya the times and stuff. If you have no been in the chat room, when you put your name in make it unusual and ad some numbers to the end.
Mine is my name, debilyn sometimes I use estersue or trixie. but most of the time, debilyn
glad you are here keep coming back. been where you are. Now I am independant, kept my home and more. Miracles happen when you follow a program in alanon I promise. love,debilyn
Geez, now I can't stop crying and I'm not a cryer. LOL. Thankyou and a thousand times for the responses.
The reason I can't find an al-anon meeting at a time I can go is because of my work scedule and long commutes. Then there are my parrots at home that are like have permanate 3 year olds. They are my life- they require alot of care and fresh food that spoils. I would live in hell if I had to, to keep them.... and sometimes I do. So anyway- between that, work, and the commuting taking up another 2 hours of my day- I also need down time. I noticed this place has the online meetings at (my time) 6:00 a.m. and p.m. during the week. Because I don't have to do more driving in traffic (which is horrible around here)- I'm already at home to take care of my featherkids- online will work for me better. I'm not use to chat rooms- but I'll learn.
S/O took the week off from work so has been home all the time. (The reason for the latest binge and dysfunctional home) My usual threat of selling our home and me leaving seems to work well to get S/O to buck up, knock it off and go get help. It worked again this time- but it leaves me SOOO drained- physically and mentally. I don't know anyone, workmates or elsewhere, who has even a clue what it's like loving an A. They don't get what I'm going through (and that's draining too) Just being at this place online and all you knowing exactly what I'm talking about because you all have been there is just so wonderfully healing to me.
Thankyou again and for this place.
Anyway- I got sidelined. I just wanted to say- when S/O gets back to work, next Tuesday- I will have the time alone here to get into the online meeting here. For now- I am working hard at reclaiming myself. I lost myself 10 years ago when I fell in love- we had a wonderful relationship- then the drinking started. At first it was fun- then it got out of hand. It's been a fight for the last 5. I have lost my sense of self trying to make this relationship work. I'm putting new energy into me by letting go, letting God and reclaiming myself. (I'm signing up for a florist techniques class in my neighborhood- something I've always dreamed of doing. I'm excited to get out on my own.)
I'm new too. I attended my first online meeting today. I even shared (forced myself). I came away so much wiser then when I went in. I know I have a long process to go through but for the first time in a long time someone has thrown me a rope. I plan on holding on very tightly and pulling myself up inch by inch. I'm not alone, these people really do want to help you find freedom from the misery.
I learned from one meeting how much my A has distorted my behavior. That I've spent my whole marriage (17 yrs.) trying to help him, leaving my own sanity on shaky ground. I have control over NOTHING BUT ME. I can't control his destruction, just as I can't cure any other disease. He has choices, he has to live with them.
I can't tell you the weight I feel has been lifted. You mean it's not up to me to save him from himself? To spend every waking moment trying to fix everything? That's not my wifely duty?
I will be here for him, in sickness and in health, but no longer feed his sickness, protect him or make excuses for him.
Martin Luther King couldn't have said better what I feel is right around the corner for me.
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST.
God bless you folks that have done the steps and stay to help others.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am a newbie to this site as well and when I read your post I was thinking; but that sounds just like my life! I too feel depressed, lonely, fustrated and tired. A has turned in to a monster after only 4 years of marriage and my life feels like a graet big bad dream. We too own nice house, nice things and have a beautiful 3 year old son. My A has become a big ball of anger, when he is around I am nervous and anxious, I keep my mouth shut and think about every move I make carefully to try not to 'upset' A. Living with my A is also very lonely and isolating, no one comes to visit our house anymore because they are all unsure and weary of A.
Finding this site is a godsend, I found it last week and the people who contribute to it with their love and hope are what has got me through the week.
I have never been one to quote Jesus as I am not a christian but apparantly Jesus said to the scared FEAR NOT to the downtrodden and disheartened he saif FEAR NOT and when I am scared and lonely and worried about the future I think about what Jesus said to people to give them hope
Hi Page, and welcome. There are several things or steps that you can take, you can find a better paying job to help support yourself, you can sell the house and split the equity and go your own way with your half, you can attend f2f meetings. One thing that I learned in my serenity is that house, nice things, are not worth the instability of never knowing when it will be gone. I made the choice to sell my things so I could have my serenity, as opposed to dealing with collection ageancies, foreclosures, things like that. I had a say so in what happened, and I lived and learned a very good lesson. Life is not measured in dollar signs, no way near. I laugh, I smile and I have a much less cluttered life now than before, and I have my friends and family, who before would call but not come around cause it was too emotional. Your responsibility is to take care of you, and to do what you need to do in order to find serenity, not to take care of him for his serenity.
Good luck
Unsure
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Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, only be concerned with the day you are living, today.
Originally posted by: Unsure "Hi Page, and welcome. There are several things or steps that you can take, you can find a better paying job to help support yourself, you can sell the house and split the equity and go your own way with your half, you can attend f2f meetings. One thing that I learned in my serenity is that house, nice things, are not worth the instability of never knowing when it will be gone. I made the choice to sell my things so I could have my serenity, as opposed to dealing with collection ageancies, foreclosures, things like that. I had a say so in what happened, and I lived and learned a very good lesson. Life is not measured in dollar signs, no way near. I laugh, I smile and I have a much less cluttered life now than before, and I have my friends and family, who before would call but not come around cause it was too emotional. Your responsibility is to take care of you, and to do what you need to do in order to find serenity, not to take care of him for his serenity. Good luck Unsure"
Thanks for the input everyone. My S/O is now in an intense, amazing recouvery program that is very promising. My best wishes to everyone- and praying that the A in your life is realizing reality and doing something to the greater good.
Usure- thankyou for the response- I appreciate all words to me. I come from nothing, no one has given me anything. I have only the basics in life with my life partner. We, together, have made our lives work- on our own, there was no life for either of us before we met,10 years ago. The disease of alcoholism reared it's ugly head years ago and took over my partner's life. It affected both of us. It's been years of heart rentching struggle to keep the household afloat with this disease wanting to take over and destroy what little we had built. Having the little we had built together to be gone would be to return to our former lives of having nothing. This fight we fight together is worth every ounce of energy to win.
I come from nothing, I struggled to make something out of my life once, it was all stripped from me through my own drug addictions, over 15 years ago, since healed. I'm soon to be 50. I make a living doing what I love to do. I've done it all my life. It doesn't pay much, but being the best in the field allows me to make a living at it. A new career is out of the question. I would die living work life in a cubicle, staring at a computer screen... or doing what everyone else does. A "better paying job" is to simplify what I'm about.
Life partner and I are going to fight this disease. I pray the best for everyone!
First off, you are not alone in this. My husband is an A too and life with him is terrible. I had to get rid of my 2 cats in order to start my healing. No matter how much comfort they gave me.