The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother has been in inpatient treatment, left AA because of philosophical differences, said he was working on his alcoholism his own way, and recently got fired from his job for his drinking. My parents are providing him money for health insurance and even talking about giving him a place to live. They say that they can't throw him out on the streets. I say they are enabling. Who's right? And is there anything I can do about it?
In rehab, I thought he was making progress and sounding positive. Then the job loss. And then it came out that he was supposed to have 1) found a sponsor and 2) joined an outpatient program. He had done niether. He said he would - but he didn't have insurance and couldn't pay for the outpatient therapy.
My parents then sent him money to get health insurance. This was over a month ago. He has claimed he made a call to a counselor a few weeks ago but they took weeks to get back to him, then told him there was a several week waiting period for an appointment. He hasn't done any more to my knowledge to join outpatient therapy. And he decided he didn't like AA and has found another book he likes better that has a very different philosophy than AA (Chris Prentiss from Passages in Malibu wrote it). I don't like that he took my parents' money but hasn't tried very hard to find outpatient therapy. I worry that a book isn't enough. (Hello, I'm having trouble with detachment, too! But I haven't said anything to him and in fact haven't even talked to him since he lost his job - just send him a generic "I'm thinking of you and love you very much" card.)
My father also sounds very optimistic when it comes to my brother, and has been working with him to find jobs to apply for, and they've gotten together to prepare for interviews and such, although he hasn't had an offer for an interview yet.
I told my mom today that I thought it was a mistake paying for his insurance (they sent him a lofty check in his name). She says she feels the same way but it's my dad calling the shots. My father apparently thinks we should trust my brother and that he's protecting his own financial assets as if my brother ended up having problems and ended up in the hospital, someone, namely my dad, would have to pay for it. I say, "why would you have to pay for it?" He says that it's his son, and he thinks it isn't okay to just let him go on the streets.
My A brother's marriage is failing and he'll probably lose his home, and my parents are talking about buying a trailer (they are about to buy one for retirement purposes in a few years anyway) and letting him live in it for a time. I think that's way crossing the line.
My father doesn't buy the co-dependent/enabling/detachment thing at all and basically thinks Alanon is horribly wrong in their philosophy. Yet he's really not read anything - only heard what my mom says as she attends meetings. I don't want to see my father get hurt in the long run when his actions don't fix my brother.
Do I need to detach not only from my brother, but from my parents' decisions as well?
Is there anything I can send to my dad - some light reading like a web page or something - that explains how his actions are enabling, and why enabling isn't helping my brother?
Can someone fall so far that enabling is appropriate?
Alcoholism is always followed by a mess , and there is n othing u can do about it , the decission to help is between your father and his son , I was in much the same situation for yrs with my brother and parents seems I was always arguing with one or the other , my brother for putting my dad in a situation of actual debt because brother drank himself into bankrupsy, I fought with my dad telling him to stop enabling and all I ended up doing was putting distance between my family andmyself . finally I realized that my dad was an adult and if he wanted to keep bailing my brother out it was none of m y business so I apologized to him but asked him to not talk to me anymore about what he had done for my brother , I called my brother and told him I ws sorry for being so nasty about his and my fathers business and that I wouldnt interfere again and I never did . Relationships to me were far more important than a few bucks . Your mom is going to meetings are you attending as well ? as for books buy Getting them sober , the title might intrieg your dad it sure did me. He won't like what it says and neither did I at the time but it delivers the message he needs to hear . good luck Louise
I don't think this is a matter of who is right or who is wrong. You may not agree with what your parents are doing. You treat your brother in a different way because you are a different person. Like an addict, parents are going to do what parents are going to do. There's nothing you can do about it. I have tried to get my sister to Alanon meetings because of her husband. I still believe that he is active. She can't. She won't. She doesn't have the time she tells me. At some point I had to let it go and let her go. It's frustrating. It's sad. But that's the way it is. This isn't me saying that if she suddenly wants to go to a meeting I would turn my back on her. I'd jump for joy. But I have to allow her to make decisions. It's her life. All you can do is live by example, and pray that some day your parents might come around. Meanwhile, keep working your program and you'll be fine. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
well I think it may be helpful to look at how his alcoholism affects you.
In codependence I want to tell everyone what they "should" do. In recovery I don't because I am too busy taking care of myself (doesn't mean I don't feel for those in pain) but I don't help unless I am asked and even then with limits.
Thanks everyone for your heartfelt and gentle responses. I see that my trying to "fix" my parents' behavior is the same thing as my trying to "fix" the alcoholic, and is enabling in itself! How ironic :)
So my next question is a more general one about enabling. When is okay to help? What if you are afraid of the life of the A (namely that suicide might be an option for them, in the nearest future)? And can you help if they are committed to getting help themselves - if they have nowhere to live, can you offer a place as a temporary situation?
I'm trying to figure out where my boundaries are :(
Thanks for the book suggestion - I will definitely see what "Getting Them Sober" has to say...
The sad reality, even around the scary & touchy subject of potential suicide, is that the three C's still apply.... I used to think it was very cold words, when my sponsor told me....
"she will either drink or she won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
To which, I would reply with something of a "yeah but", in the vein of what if she commits suicide, etc?
His response to me, as was his nature: "she will either commit suicide, or she won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Our reality is that, for the most part, we can offer alcoholics/addicts all the tools we know of, in order for them to make a positive choice to get better, but they have to choose what path is right for them.... The old saying of "you can lead a horse to water....." comes to mind.
The article I PM'd you, from Toby Rice Drews, does a good job, in my opinion, of trying to find that line where it is okay to "help" the alcoholic.... I think this line is always somewhat grey, but the disease, as they say, is cunning and baffling..... some addicts will "use" the threat of suicide to keep us hooked into their sickness, and allow them to continue.... others are serious about it, and may actually take that step. For the most part, I don't think we can control their choice of recovery, any more than we can cause them to drink, or do anything else, for that matter...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Although this post was written in 2008, I found it to be very helpful. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and parents who enable him. It has been so frustrating for me to watch, and recently my mom and I had a huge fight and didn't talk for a few weeks (we usually talk everyday). I too realized that fighting with my parents wasn't worth it and that I was only allowing my brother to cause even more pain in my life than he already has. I have stopped enabling him, and have been able to successfully create boundaries with him, and I can only hope that my parents will as well. Arguing with my family doesn't help, and I feel that talking about his problem constantly is unhealthy. My mom and I have a new rule. We don't talk about my brother unless it has nothing to do with his problem (which is always does), unless of course there is an emergency. This new rule has helped us tremendously, although I know my mom is missing her venting partner, it's just not healthy for me to listen to the drama any longer.
Recently, my brother went to rehab for the second time in a year. He is doing so well, but I am scared to get too close. I just don't want to have hope again and be disappointed once again. It breaks my heart to watch him deteriorate. I have at times in the past few years thought about the eulogy I would write for him when he dies. He is only 30, but should have been dead many times over.
It has been very helpful, yet emotional for me to read the posts on this site. This is my first time putting any of my feelings or thoughts out there in public. As of recently, I have been more comfortable talking about it with others. I would like to find more sources out there to help me deal with my pain, anger, and fear. Knowing that I am not alone is very comforting.
Thanks to everyone who has posted. I know how much courage it takes to put yourself out there, and talk about how A has affected your lives. It is a daily struggle to put my brother out of my mind. If I had a magic wand......
