The material presented
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Sometimes I find it so difficult not to say things that I know deep in my heart will hurt my a, (when he is sober) it is just beyond me not to let him know just how boring it is to hear the same old story that he tells anyone who will listen , such as our sons not me because I have learned not to listen to the bottle I have learned to listen to my higher power instead I do feel upset that the boys prefer to listen instead of going to a group and learning what I have learned inorder to detach with love - they really don't want to get into a program, except the little one,he is where he needs to be. I have been working my steps and going to face to face meetings, so I try not to get involved with the daily pit falls of my a, as he trys to struggle with his disease, as he is not ready to give up the "control to a higher power" he thinks he is doing a pretty good job of life as it is. Boy is he clueless, to bad he doesn't see the big picture, that indeed he is working double time to keep up the task of being an active drinker, and dry drunk, and working a buisness (what a task I would not want to walk in his shoes not even for a moment)- somthing will always be missing or not right, that is the nature of this disease. It is a slow killer-something has got to give. But since I have surrendered all of my anger and the loss that this sickness has taken from me, I am better able to be compassionate and loving. I know I must sound like a corn ball but the truth is I DO feel better about myself and am hopeful,, not about his lack of recovery or even if he doesn't recover, I am in recovery. So today I said I was truly sorry for telling him, just how boring it is to be subjected to his same old stories about HIS past, mother, father brother etc etc etc. It is like he has this tape or record and it keeps skipping in the same spot,, darn it turn over the record or change the tape... yep it is very frustrating. I usually go to sleep, and think of other thoughts, when he is like this, but what bothered was the boys- they fall into the trap because they don't have a program, I gave them information and books to read, it is up to them to use it or not, so for now I feel a litttle better that I gave the tools needed to guide them to the place where I have arrived, I can only help and control myself,not others. I suppose that is my lesson for today. If they want my help they will ask for it, by doing for me, in effect these changes will roll off of me and hopefully help my sons. Thanks for letting me share . Sincerely,Dorean
Thanks for sharing Doreen. Did you actually tell him that hearing the same old stories about HIS past and family was boring?
Well, I told my A (huband) a year or so ago (before alanon) that I was tired of hearing the same stories without resolution. And then the stories slowed down.
Why oh why is your story so simialr to mine. Do all A's whine about their childhood and the slights and injustices?
My A has now totally cut himself off from his family.
When we moved for the first time just over a year ago he did not tell his family. They called the house at Christmas (a few weeks after our move). The phone # was disconnected so they had the police go by. The new owner of our house told the police we were fine and had sold the house and moved. Then we moved again and he FORBIDS me to give the address out. I gave my family my new business address (right down the road from my home)
I don't know that your kids prefer to listen to the crap from your A, in time let's hope their HP guides them to a meeting and some healing
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
You bet ya I did tell him that his stories where oh so boring, and frankly, I was not interested in hearing the same old thing. After 11 years of the same stuff- I know it all to well. But then I was thinking to myself, and felt alittle sad that I was not working my program- so instead I gave him an hug and told him, that I was sorry if I hurt his feeling, and I really ment it. Boy that was difficult for me to do, but felt better doing that instead of old patterns of being a royal b****. Thank you for your post. Makes me feel good to know others share the same things I deal with. Dorean
Dorean..... I can so relate to your post. My A husband is the very same way with the stories. I just leave the room now, but I have told him over and over that we've heard this one before! My son (age 17) still stays in the room and I think he feels somewhat trapped. But he too has turned down the program. He'll be leaving for college in the fall and I know he can't wait. I sometimes want to go with him. Maybe because I'm not sure that I can stay in my marriage. But, I'm not rushing that final decision at this point. I've spent 2 years building a life that I love and we'll see if I stay married as I go forward. Take care of yourself and put yourself first for a change.
Do you attach to yourself with the same amount of love that you detach from you man addicted to the drug alcohol? It was written a couple of thousands years ago something to the effect concealing yourself to avoid a conflict is the same as lying, but what do the authors of that idea and me know.
how funny that it's the "a" in all your lives that runs off at the mouth. in my life it's definately the co-dependent (my father and mother, respectively). When they got married, my father (the a) wanted to stop seeing his family, but my mother wouldn't hear of it. it's a bit of a mystery to me, as my mother and my father's family bitterly hated each other (my grandmother ignored my mother and did worse to her step-grandson, and my grandfather tested my mother's loyalty by _coming on to her_ of all things).
but over the years, the visit down to l.a. took on the aspect of ritual- go down from san francisco, spend the minimum amount of time possible and get out of there. the other aspect of the ritual was that my mother, who loves to talk, would spend the entire drive down and back telling my dad what all was wrong with _his_ family. she did the same thing about her own family, picking them appart, only seeing the negative- i grew up thinking that my mother's mother (who had died before i was born) was an evil evil woman. over the years, of course, this began to drag on my father- and as long as i can remember, there wasn't a long car ride we took as a family that did not involve my mom and dad screaming at each other. we actually developed a system whereby i could say a "magic word" to get them to stop- i don't remember this being very effective, and i basicaly learned how to be invisible in the back seat.
point being, my mom's a talker. she "thinks out loud", and her thoughts seem to go in a cyclical pattern- thus, she will tell you the same stories or the same insight over and over and over. i don't live with her now, but she's coming to visit soon. as excited as i am to see her, i am very very worried about keeping a hold of myself. she has always been the single biggest influence on my emotional life, and it's really hard not to slip back into old patterns.
i thought you might also like to know that i am a 23 year old girl- i don't know how much insight i can give you on your daughters, but i might be able to provide you with some contrast.
