The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to the group thing. I have had to deal with substance abuse for most my life. My brother brought AA into my families life but he never really believed or followed through with it. I went once with him to an AA meeting and it seemingly was a bragging session for him. I know that he continued to drink because it "relaxed" him and he felt he could control it. Recently he has spiralled out of control with drinking and drugging. He has lost his marriage of 10+ years and his child. He lost his job, his house, and seemingly his sanity. I have tried to be supportive of him but I always end up frustrated and angry. With all the responsibilties I have had, I have tried to save my own sanity and sometimes I feel guilty about cutting him out of my life. I Feel like two people in one body sometimes.
I have developed a supportive (I hope) relationship with is wife in hopes to not lose touch with her or my neice. My brother thinks that she has told everyone his "secrets" and accuses me of helping breakup his marriage and ruining his life. He tries to hurt me with every chance he gets. I use to try to help him but now I am tired and can barely help myself. Among other issues in my family life, this has helped finally fracture any possiblity of unity in my family...especially during a time when it is most needed. Thanks for listening.
When I started this I was angry too. Boy I can feel that pain as if it was my own brother. And that frustration thing is really bad for me. In my case I can barely hold back saying or doing something drastic. My patience wears thin then when I get so frustrated that I lose hope I used to explode or do something rash.
Keeping in mind that I'm dealing with a disease helps me accept my own restraint. It also keeps me in an attitude that doesn't pile on more guilt or rage onto someone I love. Still just knowledge itself only helps after the fact. WHen I'm in the middle of things only some quite time with a God of my understanding and calling on that powers strength, hope and forgiveness can get me through the moment and rebalance my precarious attiude.
The blaming of others is normal for an active alcoholic. But its also normal for us. Its just two sides of the coin of denial. On our side it has its own uses, on the alcoholics side its primary use is to blame anything but alcohol. If alcohol were the problem they have to face the possibility of life without it. That is unimaginable thus impossible to believe. We can't control how they think though and no matter how much we try and how much we know we can't fix them. But often it eases our pain. This is only our first step.
It sounds like everything right is happening for your brother. He must have some more support to loose because when he does loose every bit of support, it will be his best opportunity to choose to genuinely reach out for help. I would image besides the anger and frustration you might be feeling a lot sadness for not having a brother that is there but is not there for you.
I am the wife of an alcoholic, and I thank you for staying in contact with your sister-in-law and neice. My husband's sisters pushed my husband out of their lives several years ago...since I still live with my alcoholic, I, too, was pushed out. On one level, I know they did the right thing...on another level, it is painful that my kids have no contact with their aunts and cousins.
The alcoholic will always blame others for their situation. They need to believe that if we had all just kept our mouths shut about their drinking, there would be no problem. Alcoholics do not live in reality...maybe it's like a heavy person looking in the mirror and seeing a thinner person...it's hard for them to accept. So it comes down to only two choices...either do something about it or go on as if it's not a problem. Most choose the later.
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
Hi and Welcome - I too had a brothr who had an alcohol problem.
Al-anon taught me that I could not change him - I could only love him. I'm so glad I was able to keep a good relationship with him as we lost him to cancer and I was able to help take care of him before he died.
It may help you to remember that your brother has his own HP, even though that may be hard to believe right now. I hope he hits his personal bottom and seeks the help of AA. Be as kind and loving to yourself as possible right now.
Much love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
