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Post Info TOPIC: codependency again


Member

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Posts: 10
Date:
codependency again


hello everyone.  well, still trying to mend my broken heart.  i have not been able to post in awhile, but i have been reading some posts, and they are all helpful.  i am trying everything i can (seeing a counselor, going to meetings, got a sponsor, reading,...). i can't get my ex "a" out of my heart and head.  i have not had contact.  i don't want to try to be "friends", it would just be too hard (like dangling a bottle in front of an "a")- she has moved on with someone else.  plus, i don't want to know what she is doing, i would just obsess more.  i miss her soooo much.  it's so hard when you wish things could have worked out differently, but you have no control. i know that love should feel smooth and flowing, not desperate, but i am desperate now (and i was desperate in it, too: push/pull, hospital visit, enabling,...).  i don't know, just venting i guess, and hurting very much!  any words of support or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.  wish i could live and let live, let go let god,... and accept what i cannot change!!


thanks for "listening",


mariss



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Senior Member

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Posts: 447
Date:

Hi Marissa,


Take a step back and look at it for what it really was....not healthy. Take something you can learn from the relationship. She's not the one for you. Your higher power will send "the one" for you when you are ready.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 119
Date:

Marissa,

I have been where you are and have come out the other side... I completely understand and relate to your pain.

Here's a few suggestions from what helped me get through...
-- Stay busy w/program -- I went to two f2f meetings a day and spent countless hours on the phone to maintain sanity.
-- Reach out to others as often as you can. Don't isolate!
-- Be gentle with yourself. I spent many weekend nights coming home from a meeting and laying on the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and DVDs of Will and Grace...
-- Get involved in service! It's amazing how much it helps to help someone else... chair meetings, make coffee, set up chairs, whatever.
-- Get a sponsor who is willing to kick your butt if necessary (in a loving way of course)
-- Consider spending a year without any major changes or relationships. Also, try living alone for a year if you've never done it. I did these things and had major growth since I had nothing to distract me or hide behind...

Also, a more immediate suggestion:
-- An AA friend recently told me to "Play the whole tape" about my relationship with my ex-A. Basically, he was saying that the stuff I miss and grieve over is fine but I get really selective about my memories pretty quick and think it was all love and roses. Yeah, right...

There was a reason I broke up with my A and a reason you broke up with yours. Try to see that...

Another program person also told me every time I obsess about her that is not love, it is addiction. And I am basically praying to her as if she is my HP when I do that. That thought really made me stop and think.

Take care and remember that your HP has ability to do for you what you can't do for yourself... including the ability to stop obsessing about her.

Much love and hugs,
Jessi

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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 110
Date:

quote:
Originally posted by: jessi

"Marissa,


Also, a more immediate suggestion:
-- An AA friend recently told me to "Play the whole tape" about my relationship with my ex-A. Basically, he was saying that the stuff I miss and grieve over is fine but I get really selective about my memories pretty quick and think it was all love and roses. Yeah, right...

There was a reason I broke up with my A and a reason you broke up with yours. Try to see that...

Another program person also told me every time I obsess about her that is not love, it is addiction. And I am basically praying to her as if she is my HP when I do that. That thought really made me stop and think.

Take care and remember that your HP has ability to do for you what you can't do for yourself... including the ability to stop obsessing about her.

Much love and hugs,
Jessi
"


Thats a lot of good stuff Jessi. Good practical stuff. All that service is really good. We need a substitute right away. I was in and out of a Codepent relationship for the better part of 15 years. When I'd get out of it the memory of what I "got out of" would fade and we'd both slip back into the relationship.

Every time we got back together the bad behavior would start sooner and sooner. Oh yeeah, at first we knew our mistakes and avoided them as much as possible but later then sooner and sooner. an old memory would get tripped and we'd go back into an verbal and emotional abuse cycle. It got so that I could see it coming weeks before it got ugly.

At that point I resighned myself to just endure the abuse because "If you love somebody you can endure" and love will change it and I can change them and Hope is never lost and all that stuff. I internalized most of the abuse thrown my way and am working through quite a lot of self esteem/self worth stuff ugly dark shame and just plain old mucky crapola :)

Where I started to see my way out though was how I was letting God down by letting this person run my life in a direction that was not God's. In fact I had seen it was not God's will 8 years before this last break.

Today when I obsess about her I realize it is actually something my subconcous twists around. I actually want to debase myself because I feel worthless and ashamed, something, anything triggers some dark spot in me and it comes out as loneliness that immediatly transforms into an indirect familiar desire to abuse myself with her

It doesnt last long with but it does recur. At least I don't act on it and pick up the phone. Its been almost two years and my life and recovery have reaaly made remarkable movement which gives me even more faith that I'v done the right thing and am a better person for it.

Our ultimate dependence is always on our creator anyhow.
Bob

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