The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was wondering what I was feeling today as I was doing Steps 10 & 11. As I was searching the index in Hope for Today, one of our daily mediatation books, I found a topic that I could relate too...Abandonment, fear of. As I read the readings listed there, I was surprised to find that I could relate to this fear of abandonment, even though I am not a child of alcoholic parents. I had always thought that I had the "perfect" childhood. I grew up on a farm, got to play with all the animals on the farm, was rather spoiled as I was the only child and my parents pretty much let me do as I wanted.
Then I grew up and started marrying alcoholics. After the first one (at 19 years of age) I decided I had just got a "bad lemon" and divorced him and tried another (alcoholic that is) not that I realized when I married him that he was alcoholic..that realization came later. Husband number two divorced me a year and a half later because I was too controlling! Imagine that, I thought, "How does he have the nerve to divorce me?" LOL
Thank God someone told me about the 12 steps...I got into a 12-step program for children for alcoholics (remember...I'm not the child of alcoholic parents), but my boyfriend who was soon to become husband #3 was and I thought it would help him and me at the same time). The good part was I was introduced to the 12 steps, the bad part was it took me a year to figure out I needed to be in al-anon and have a program of my own, but I eventually did and husband #3's alcoholic family, and my active participation in al-anon taught me more about the family disease of alcoholism than the first two husband's put together.
I also got around to doing a fourth step and realized that my fear of abandonment came from my own family of origin's lack of communication and abandonment. I had abandonment issues from childhood. It wasn't until I had a child of my own and watched how my parents interacted with her that I realized how deprived my childhood had been, not the "perfect" Little House on the Praire world that I had envisioned my childhood to be. They didn't know how to show love, play, or be there for me...although I have watched a God of my Understanding teach us all through the al-anon program and behold a little child led them.
Now with my father gone and my mother's health deterioting in her 80's...the fear of abandonment resurfaces. After fighting the effects of this incidious disease of alcholism for 13 years (same number of years I've been in the program) husband #3 and I divorced this January 2003. In the last year it seems I have lost friends, family, husband and I fear the farm may be next. I struggle with this fear of abandonment as I also watch a daughter of seven struggle with the same fear...and I'm supposed to be the strong one?!
In reading Hope for Today I realize the answer to my fears is simple...learn to place my future in a God of My Understanding...trust this HP completely. Let go of my perfectionism, set appropriate boundaries even if it means losing friends that are not good for me, and don't look for someone or something to fill that deep empty hole in my soul...only the God of My Understanding can do that. As the reading on pg. 252 says, "I am not on this earth to change or control others. I am here to change and grow the best I can in order to serve my Higher Power."
Thank you for sharing, so open and honest. I relate, totally. It's tough when you finally look at your childhood and admit what wasn't there. Take care.
”I was wondering what I was feeling today…” How awesome! You are taking time out for you. I believe that ‘faith’ is not an intellectual thing; it is a feeling. I also believe to serve my God is to serve myself as well as I serve others and vise versa. So very good for you!
Fear… now a day… I let the little creature come in one door of my mind, I say, oh, it’s you again, and let it go out the other door of my mind without giving it much life at all.
Fear...I liked the thought you had about "I let the little creature come in one door of my mind, I say, Oh, it's you again, and let it go out the other door of my mind without giving it much mind at all."
Fear is like a "little creature" that if you feed it grows. I choose not to feed that creature today. Instead I chose to feed hope, faith and belief in myself and my HP to guide me through treacherous waters.
I had abandonment issues from childhood. It wasn't until I had a child of my own and watched how my parents interacted with her that I realized how deprived my childhood had been, not the "perfect" Little House on the Praire world that I had envisioned my childhood to be. They didn't know how to show love, play, or be there for me...although I have watched a God of my Understanding teach us all through the al-anon program and behold a little child led them.
