Oh God! I need help!! - Al-Anon Family Group

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh God! I need help!!

socalmom · Veteran Member

Hi TLC2,

Alanon has helped me deal with many problems in my life. When I'm feeling overwhelmed with a situation, it's helped me to sit down with a piece of paper and try to separate the facts of the situation from my feelings and what I think may or may not happen. I can then decide what really needs to be dealt with and what doesn't.

I've had skeletons in my closet, too. Not quite the same as yours, but ones I really didn't want to air. It's amazing the sense of relief I felt by being honest about my life. It's a horrible feeling to carry secrets and pretend things that just aren't true, even if you think you're doing it to protect someone else.

Sounds like your son is about 24. Perhaps it's time to face your fear and be honest with him about his real father. Perhaps if you tackle the big fear and get it out into the open the rest of the decisions will be easier. For instance, your son's real father wants a relationship with him. If your son is an adult that's really his decision to make, not yours. Perhaps you need to really practice detachment and let your son make that decision for himself.

As for the real father asking for financial "anything" from you, well, that sounds a little odd. I doubt you owe him anything and he's lucky you don't sue him for back child support. That's more of a legal issue, not my forte.

My prayers are with you. I will pray that your HP gives you guidance, courage and serenity.

Peace,

Jane

Stinkerbell · Member

Hey There TLC2:

You are right about the writting a book about the affects of someone else's drinking. My family has been in the same place as you too. My sister and I have different fathers because of my mom's drinking and my dad's drinking and my sister's dad's drinking. Do you think there is a pattern here or what? Anyway, to make a very long story short, my sister's father is a part or somewhat part of her life today because she choose it to be. After the whole truth was told and everything came out my sister was so relieved to know why and have some answers that were seriously missing in our lives. However, because of the programs my mom has never said a bad thing against our fathers nor has she interfered with our relationships with our fathers. My father has not spoken to me since I was 13 and that's on him. My sister was upset with my mother but they worked that out. She includes her father in a lot of family events. By my mother not getting involved in our relationships with our fathers we were allowed to form our own opinonions about them and find out for ourselves what they really mean to us. This was probably the greatest gift that my mom could have given to me and my sister. If my mom had told us all the horrible things that she wanted to about them, we probably would have gone straight to them thinking she was the bad guy. This way we got to find out that they are the bad guys all by themselves. We also don't think it's a reflection on mom as to what happened way back when. It's all progressive and they were all different people back then. My sister was 21 when she found out, and mom told me about the same age. Today its a little weird that she has more family then I do. Her father has not introduced her formally as his daughter to his other children but that's none of my business. What I get to do is just be there to support them. Mom and my sister's dad are friendly now toward each other on occasion but there's a lot they had to work out in their relationship too. I know that Al-Anon and AA helped my family through the same crisis and we made it. If there's one thing I have learned in Al-Anon there's someone else that has same situation and I will find them as long as I continue to share what's up with me. Together we can work it out. Besides if you had not met the father of your son, you would not have your son today and what a tragdey that would have been.

Peace and love to you and your family during this holiday season.

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much for your replys. It's so good to know there are people out there willing to help, and have been there too. I was really shook up when I wrote that. I had dreaded this for so many years.. then, when it happened, I just didn't know how to handle it or what to think.I guess I still don't, but it sure was good to hear it from the child's point of view,(thank you!). Maybe I over-reacted. I just hope his father is the nice guy he says he is, and just wants to be near him and love him. I have had it all my way for 24 years,guess it's time to wake up to the reality of my life now. I had moved away for quite a few years, and knew this could happen when I came back. His father wants him to meet all his brothers and sisters,aunts,uncles etc. He is willing to take it slow, but definately wants my son to know the truth, and was respectful enough to come to me first. He gave me his phone # and e-mail address if I wanted to talk. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time,one step at a time, and pray that he is a great guy and won't hurt my, gulp,our son. I just pray that my son won't hate me, we are very close. As a matter of fact, he called me just after I had hung up from talking to his father. He knew I was shook up, and called me before he went to work to see if I was ok.

Another thing that scares me is my A's reaction to all this. Guess I'll just have to let it all out of the closet and give it up to my HP. I have been very blessed with this wonderful child and will ask for my HP's guidance in all this. Thank you both for your replys, it helped a lot! TLC 2 U

search41 · Veteran Member

TLC..

I may be out of the loop, but...i'm a bit confused.... your son doesnt' know that this man that has contacted you after all these years is his father? is that why this is throwing you for a loop?

who does your son THINK his father is? i'm not being harsh here...i'm just a little confused. since i only check in her once in a while...you may have explained the whole situation , but i may have missed it.

i wish i had some suggestions, but based on what i know...i don't. BUT, i CAN promise to pray for you, and i think you have my email...so write whenever you want, ok?

love and hugs.

lori

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear TLC,

I totally relate to your share here. I am the daughter of an affair, I was told of my biological father at the age of 23 and met him shortly thereafter. I had known that my parents were separated prior to my birth (for about a year), and I was raised as the daughter of my mother's husband. I was only told of my biological father because he had a lung disease and was dying and my mother was afraid of how I would feel if I never had the chance to meet him. I am forever grateful that my mother decided to make the decision to tell me and allow me the choice of whether to meet this man or not (he died within a year of my meeting him). Out of respect for my mother, I kept her secret from dad (she had never told him I wasn't his child). Dad passed away in 1999, so now it is no longer a secret from the family. In reading your post, I believe you said you admitted your affair to your ex and he raised your son as his anyway, so the only "secret" you are holding is from your son. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son. I personally believe honesty is the best policy. He may feel cheated that he was not allowed to know his biological father earlier, but if he has any compassion/understanding I am sure he will come to realize that you did what you felt best at the time and will overcome any hurt feelings (if he even has any). I went thru a bit of that myself, but it was pointed out to me that my dad raised me as his own child and loved me very much, and in essence I now had 2 dads. I also have 2 half-brothers who I now keep in touch with. All in all, for me it was and has been a good experience and I do not love my mother any less for it. If anything, I admire her courage in telling me at a time when it could have wreaked havoc on her life if dad learned anything about it. I wish you the best in this, and if you ever need to talk more, please feel free to email me or catch me in the chatroom. My email is kismetstrand@yahoo.com

Love, Kis

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hi , and thank you for your reply! I've been in panic mode for about 24 hrs now. I know I need to calm down and think things over rationally. I've just been feeling like my whole world is crashing down around my feet!! Thinking of the worst scenerao (sp?). Alanon, my HP, and all you wonderful people here have helped me a lot. I have to keep believing that my HP won't give me any more than I can handle, and will guide my lips to say the right things at the right time. My A is on his way home, so I will write this while I can, and take time to think things through. Thank you so much for your share! TLC 2 U

Gngr · Veteran Member

Hi TLC,

I just want to say that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and just remember you do have friends here who will help if nothing more than to just lend an ear. I hope things get better for you. Take Care of yourself! Ginger

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