The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dont allow me to lie to you. If you accept my evasions of the truth, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but try to get at it.
Don't let me outsmart you. This would only allow me to avoid responsibility and would make me lose respect for you at the same time.
Don"t accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. And, Dont keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made stick to it.
Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. If you do, you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, praise, blames, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. Don't pour out my liquor; it may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my drinking. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my sickness worse.
Above all don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. find al anon, whose groups exist to help families of alcoholics.
I need help. from a pastor, doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a recovered alcoholic who found sobriety in AA and from God. I cannot help myself.
I hate myself, but I love you. Please help me.
Signed, Your alcoholic
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
So true!! None of us can do it "alone"-that is the blessing of the Twelve Steps; we always have our Higher Power who always hears our prayers, without call-waiting. I love how recovery allows us fellowship with a shared common bond (pain) that blossoms into gain (healthier friendships, choices and wisdom) if we so choose. Oh, the miracle of awareness, acceptance and action!! The journey can be exciting, adventurous and rewarding if we commit to recovery, not relapse!! And we're worth it!! Furture generations can, and will benefit from our healthier choices!!
I am kinda sorry John, but the alcoholic in your story is trying to dump his responsibility for his behavior onto her or his family. It is not for the benefit of the alcoholic that the victimized family does those things you state, but unfortunately necessitated by the victimizing from the alcoholic to protect themselves and only to protect themselves… not for the benefit of the alcoholic. ‘I believe’ that not enabling a person addicted to drugs like alcohol, etc. is not to get or keep an addicted person dry and clean but to protect themselves. It is not the family’s responsibility to make the alcoholic do or not do anything; as if they could anyway. The only ‘we’ the one addicted to drugs like alcohol, etc. can available the oneself to is 12-step programs, psychotherapy, etc. where self-help is so stressed. Of course, a side effect on the one addicted to drugs like alcohol, is that when all known to the addicted one 100% quit supporting the addicted one is that the addicted one will find hers or his bottom. All I have written is of how I believe.
I get what you're saying, Richard. None of us want to be enablers or help the addict continue in his/her sickness.
That open letter gave me some insight into how the addict feels...gave me some sort of compassion/sympathy for them. After all, they are more sick than us, aren't they?
They are still drowning a sea of hopelessness where we have hope again, (HP willing:)
Now, it may not be very accurate, but that last line really got to me...
I want to thank you for your letter. It really put things in place for me. I have been an enabler for a long long time and seeing all that I have allowed to take place was a really good thing.
Thank you for posting this letter. I've read it many times over the past two years. I've begun to interpret the letter, not so much from an alcoholic's perspective, but from my own as a recovering enabler.
Here are a few of the things I've learned from working my Alanon program that are addressed in the letter:
1. Develop healthy boundaries and be willing to enforce the natural consequences if/when they're violated. My boundaries are to take care of myself, not punish another person.
2. Say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. This has helped me tremendously to learn to move out of reacting to what my husband says and to communicate calmly. It's also helped me to make decisions guided by principles, not emotions, which change.
3. See reality for what it is, not what I want it to be. Only by working an Alanon program and talking to other, more healthy people, was I able to move out of denial and accept life on life's terms.
4. Let go of trying to control situations and solve everyone else's problems. By focusing on myself I've regained hope, peace and joy. I have the ability to create the life I want and Alanon and my HP are showing me the way.
I wish my husband expressed and showed by his actions the feelings described in the letter you've posted. I like to think that his HP will show him the way to recovery when it's time. But, for today, that's not my reality.
I believe that this also applies to all that touch the alcholics life, including EMPLOYERS who look the other way .....it is also an act of denial. and sometimes an act that leads to bigger problems, the alcholic is responsible for his actions but those that look the other way are only letting him think he does not have a problem......after all work doesnt notice right?
I read this several times over, and I see in it an alcoholic that truly wants help and understanding. To me it is their way of saying that this is what I need from you in order for me to help myself. It says that I need you to change towards me in order for me to change towards myself. It is saying that I need you to stop allowing me to do these things to you, and to stand up to me for your own good so that I, the A, can learn to stand up to myself and learn to say NO to a drink. I sort of look at it as a way to be a teacher to the A, to show them strength like a parent would show a child, a teacher a mentor. They ask for our help if they are sincere in their battle to travel the road to recovery.
In this I also see that it could be from an A who is just playing at recovery, trying to stay in denial and lay blame on the Alanoner. I see it as a facicious tribute to an Alanon person, as an A who is laughing at what Alanoners are trying to accomplish for themselves. This facicious manner could be used as a way to control the situation for the A, and to try to keep the Alanon spirit from awakening in full force.
Thats just one persons opinion on this letter.
Hugs
Unsure
-- Edited by Unsure at 06:44, 2004-12-15
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Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, only be concerned with the day you are living, today.
