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Dear Family, I need to vent... I am not happy where I am today.
Before I came to al-anon, I believed that I could never get myself out of my painful marriage. I believed that I could never make it (financially or otherwise) without him. I was in a deep depression, yet still not sure what was wrong. I was not convinced that he was an A, as he is fully-functioning, earning a large income, traveling around the world. All I did know, was that he was a flaming narcissisist...and living with him required me to be invisible, a non-entity.
But, I crawled into al-anon and the clouds slowly began to lift. Soon however, our relationship began to deteriorate as I began to focus on myself, becoming more confident, and finding my voice. The final straw for him, was the day I would not sign a home-equity loan that he had pursued w/o telling me. He just told me to sign it. When I asked questions, he got irritated. When I said I wouldn't sign until I understood it more, he said, "We need to end this."
So, now I am going through the divorce I once believed I could never "win." I've been going to 3 f2f meetings/week, and trusting my HP. But today, I feel it is true.... I cannot win with this man. Financially, spousal support is just plain unfair. And, he was so careless with our money, that most of our assets will be used to pay off the debt that he incurred. Still, he moves along with ease, just landing a major position with a major corporation, and a major income that he will still enjoy despite paying spousal support to me. He appears unscathed.
I am so angry!!! During my whole 26-yr. marriage, I was told by him, that I should be grateful.....for food on the table and a roof over my head that he provided. While he was absent... entertaining clients at the finest restaurants or on ski and fishing trips, always working late and on weekends... busy climbing the ladder "to take care of his family," he always claimed..... I was a stay-at-home mom...mowing the lawn, clearing the snow, pruning shrubs, painting the house (doing what the other husbands in the n'hood were doing)....I went alone to parent-teacher conferences, the kids concerts and recitals...I DID IT ALL!!! And because we always had a house that was beyond our means (yet he insisted we could afford) there was never any money for me to take classes. We lived paycheck to paycheck and always had a load of debt. In retrospect, I can see that I should have taken better care of myself. But, I was a flaming co-dependent. And, I trusted in him. I am now in my mid-40's with a 12th grade education, required to go out and make half my income.
The pain.... of recognizing my role... my denial all these years.....The pain of making him my Higher Power... of being dependent on someone so undependable....The pain of the mediator stroking his ego, explaining to me that "He is the golden goose that we need to keep happy" and, "He is entitled to a better lifestyle"....
It all feels like too much for me today!!! It feels like a punishment from HP. My attorney acts like he just wants this case off his docket, so I feel I gotta look out for myself. And I am not as smart as my husband. I feel the despair creeping in again. I am having those old dreamy thoughts... of just not wanting to live again....because it feels hopeless today.
My sponsor keeps telling me, "God did not bring us this far to drop us on ourheads." Honestly, it feels like he did.
I know that I am full of fear. Just don't know how to have faith again. Thanks for staying with me.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Wow, that was very heartfelt and I feel for you so much! I am wondering if it is possible for you to get a new attorney. It seems as if you are not being represented diligently and that could cost you a lot in the long run. It seems like there should be a large alimony check considering you depended on him and supported him all those years and he has this new great job. The more I read these the more I think I will NEVER fully trust a man again. You can start taking classes right away and if your income is low enough you can get grants and scholarships which don't require repayment! Call your local community college and see what they have going on! I got grants and scholarships to pay for the whole time I was there, books, gas, classes, everything. Plus, I had a work study job that paid horrible but still gave me the experience I needed to get great jobs! I know you will pull through this!
I know what you mean about waking up and seeing your role too. All you can do is say gee that was dumb, I won't do that again and be diligent about not relying on others.
Having faith is just having faith in yourself and having faith that hp will make sure everything works out ok. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do everything in your power to make sure you get a fair settlement in the divorce and just hope it all works out ok. Get a new lawyer if you have to!
You deserve one who believes in you 100%. If he is such a golden goose, you should be particularly well compensated.
You have every right to be angry and upset, I would be also. I thought I was married to the biggest narcissists in the world, but maybe he has a brother over where you are...yep, I can totally understand this kind of behavior. One little thing and boom- its all over. Really typical.
You are on the right path, though. You are so right about placing HP in that one single golden role in your life- at the very top. No one and nothing else. That is totally the key, I believe. If anyone does this as much as possible everything falls into place. You are totally doing the very best that you can and I commend you. keep going to those meetings. I know how hard it is, but just sit in all that anger and grief and just roll with it. I know its like sitting in a dirty diaper but I believe its been another key for me- I do not need to do anything but sit with my feelings. i do not need to stuff them, hide them, disguise them, act out on them- just feel it. It goes away much faster that way.
You are an inspiration, thank you for your post. Please consider getting a better divorce attny- a real divorce attny, one that really goes for the meat. Channel your energy that way, take control that way- this is a way to apply your need to be in control and its a perfectly healthy way to take GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.
You are going to be OK, I know you hurt a lot. Do not turn it inwards. You are going to be OK, I promise. Hugs, J.
If he makes more than you he can even be required to pay all court and attourney's fees. Find a new lawyer or be much more aggressive with the one you have.
And Jean, I do believe that my ex may win the Narcissist of the Year award! LOL! I swear these "men" and their sense of entitlement can drive a girl batty!
Hang in there glad lee, this too shall pass. You will find the gratitude again. I know you will. I have. I battle everyday to feel the graditude, and most days I still don't feel it, but I see it. I see how all the crap with ex has lead to a better place for me, spiritually and mentally and even financially too! Just keep wading thru the s*** and you will get to the other side where you will see it was all just fertlizer for the beautiful life you will live
Cannot get over the mediator calling him "the golden goose". What a slap in the face! I know it appears as if he is "winning". Try to trust that what he is "winning" is not what you want- a lifestyle based on lies and selfishness. You may have less economically, but your new life is based on truth and what is "right"- something the "golden goose" can't produce now matter how many eggs he lays....
First of all, just because you have a 12th grade education, does not mean that you are not as smart as your husband. Book smart is one thing, street smart and common sense smart are completely another. I know Phds who are dumb as a brick when it comes to their lives and just common sense. Get my drift? Just because you were a stay at home Mom doesn't make you any less smarter or important. It's not easy to take care of a household. You did great!
I am sorry you are going through this. Part of recovery is taking back your life. Living the life you so richly deserve. Soooo.... take it back. The beauty of our program is that you restart your recovery whenever you darn well please. I have slipped so many times in my recovery that it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there. Do some research and see if there's a lawyer out there who will represent you (perhaps one with the same kind of background - another Alanon lawyer?). You don't have to settle for the people who are assigned to you or your first pick. Keep working your program. Talk to your sponsor and do whatever it takes to get your life back. You can do this. I have absolute faith in you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is often very difficult to come to terms with what has been, and it is scary to not really know what will be. One thing I know for sure....you will be okay. You may not feel that way right now, but you are strong, go you are worthy, and you deserve to have freedom, hope, and a bright future. Just take one day at a time knowing that what is happening right now will end. You own your future. There are great things in store for you!
Well I did not marry the A I lived with for 7 years. He did a lot of sneaky awful stuff to get what he wanted, stole things, forged things, destroyed things. The issue is for me is that I left, I took myself out of the equation. I could still be there in there fighting. For me expecting an active A (especially the one I dealt with ) to be "fair" is to set myself up. I am so so so grateful I no longer look to him for anything.
Separating is a really hard journey. There are days when I feel I will always be in this transition. There are other days when I see in glaring broad daylight how dysfunctional and very very ill I was. My depression was incredible. I feel drained and irritated and awful and horrible and at the same times determined.
i hope you can recapture your determination. Money is hard to do without, recovery helps. I invested and invested and invested in his lies and deceit and kept trying to make it work. Now I don't. I find it immensely painful that I stayed but I understand totally why I did.
Do some research and see if there's a lawyer out there who will represent you (perhaps one with the same kind of background - another Alanon lawyer?). You don't have to settle for the people who are assigned to you or your first pick. Keep working your program. Talk to your sponsor and do whatever it takes to get your life back. You can do this. I have absolute faith in you. Love and blessings to you and your family.