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My ex came over last night to "collect" things he has given me over the years. He took the digital camera he gave me a year ago for Xmas, the laptop computer he gave me AND the kids last spring, 3 diamond rings, my wedding band and my .38 Special he gave me 12 years ago when we moved into our very 1st house.
I had it all sitting there waiting for him. I just wanted him to take it and leave. No drama. But he could't do that. No! He had to tear into me with his verbal and emotional abuse. I was sitting on the couch, trying to keep an anxiety attack at bay and slow my heart rate. My blood pressure was up and I was feeling horrible. He started in on my, calling me every horrible name in the book, saying he hates me and loaths me and all kinds of crap. I couldn't say much. Just sat there and took it, praying for it to end soon. I finally told him to get the hell out of my house and he left.
He will be back though on Sat to get the big items. The recliner, one big tv, probably one of the sofas (just out of spite), all of the lawn equipment. I plan on having all of his clothes shoved in bags waiting for him too. And I do plan (as long as I can muster up the strength) to tell him that he better take everything he wants now b/c he will not be allowed back on my property ever again. I pray for the strength to tell him that.
It just amazes me how he remembers all the nice things he has done for me and forgets all the horrible. And he forgets all the nice things I have done for him and how I have never done anything to hurt him. No cheating, no stealing, no leaving him alone for days or weeks at a time. I was always sitting there, waiting for him to return, ready to forgive - OVER and OVER again.
I told my son, who heard every word my ex said to me, that his dad will regret what he said to me some day. Maybe not right away, but one day he is going to be sorry he said those horrible nasty things to me. And he will remember that when he was throwing those verbal daggers at me, that I chose NOT to throw any back. I will have nothing to apologize for or feel bad about. And I will have no reason to accept his apologies b/c that only opens the door for more verbal attacks down the road when things don't go his way again.
So that is that. Nasty evening last night for me. Took a Tylenol PM and got a good night sleep. Still feeling exhausted today, having anxiety problems and blood pressure is still up. But the pains in my stomach caused from anticipation of an ugly scenario have subsided a bit. I still have to get through Sat.
The reason why is because it is all about him, just like it has always been. You really don't HAVE to let him come to your house and abuse you like that! The funny thing about relationships is that we decide how they will go. We decide how we will let others treat us and they act accordingly. Just imagine his shock if you just weren't home on Saturday and everything was locked up and you told a neighbor to call the police if they saw anything being taken from your property? Those are YOUR things just as much as they are HIS things! It seems pointless to fight over things but it also seems pointless to keeping going round and round and tolerating his behavior! Why are you sitting there waiting for it? Maybe you have something BETTER to do on Saturday than sit around waiting for misery? By the way gifts are gifts and belong to the receiver once given - by law.
UGHQOD!! YUCK, I am sorry you got so completely slimed but thank god you did not take it personally. What a great example of working ones program!!! You deserve a medal and a cash reward.
I love how you had it all laid out on the table for him- nice touch!!
Thank god its your home. I would have the locksmith there waiting when he comes on Saturday to change the locks while he is there so he can see and know the real deal.
Material things come and go honey, all that sh*t can be replaced. And it will, many times over- I swear, if I could have a dime for all the stuff that has come and gone in my life, I wouldn't have to work another day in my life- that stuff all comes and goes, its really meaningless in the scheme of things. Great job working your program, again, I commend you. Its really inspiring QOD. And who cares why he feels the need to carry on so- he is one sick puppy and that sick pup is soon completely gone.
I would have someone around on Sat, BTW- he sounds pretty unbalanced. Or even have your posse there and you and your son go off and go to the movies or something- you do not need to go through that again, do you? Hugs and thanks again for posting- its so helpful to me. J.
I am so sorry that this is happening. I don't get why you gave him all those things? Those rings were yours. And a GUN? You gave the crazy guy who hates you a GUN? These things are things that you could sell if you needed to and they are things that make your children's lives more comfortable. I think before Sat, happens you should at least consult a lawyer and DO NOT let him take one more thing from your home!!! At least for the kid's sake! It is very painful for kids to see their family break up but to have to actually SEE their father take things, not just from you, but from them....it is like he is divorcing them too. Protect yourself and your kids and that means your "stuff" also. How would you want your kids to behave? Would you want your child to just give his/her stuff to their A? You worked hard for the "stuff" and I believe there is a lesson. Sure it is replacable but it doesn't have to be. I know it seems like the easier way out and in a sense it is, but what is it teaching your kids? That the one who yells the loudest, acts the most hurt, says the meanest things, wins it all? You are not a victim of him or his disease anylonger. Don't let him walk all over you on the way out the door for the sake of having it over. This is where we teach them how to treat us.
I think you are handling this amazingly well and like you said you will have no regrets, you are keeping your side of the street clean. I think it is a good (albeit hard) lesson for your kids to see that stability and peace of mind is worth much more than any material object. I'm also glad you got a good night sleep. Keep up your strenghth! This too shall pass...
It sounds like he was looking for a way to alleviate his guilt and when he didn't get it by demanding his things back, he decided to throw a temper tantrum to get a reaction from you. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better--in my experience. God bless you QOD. You know what to do. I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.
(((((((((QOD))))))) been there done that,,with the exception my EX A broke in and took things, while I was away. Coward. The name calling is just everything they feel about themselves, and like the other post Do not take it personally, hard I know, but it can be done. Keep in mind, "This too shall pass".
i'm wrapping you in a big cyber hug! i am amazed at your strength and courage. good for you! i don't think i could have sat and let him take my things and been so calm. i am proud of you! you do what works for you. if the things don't mean much, then let him have them. you will know in your heart that you took the high road and that his emotional, abusive outbursts only serve to hurt him, and not you. keep breathing deeply!
Assuming that the material things have no emotional value to you...I think you are right to let it all go. It sounds like you acted with your self-respect in mind and thinking of no regrest-wish I always had the prescence of mind to do the same.
If my A's disease said it was coming to get MY stuff, I would make it clear that I would be calling the police/sheriff.
Again the disease is sucking you dry. Getting this stuff enables it to get the drugs it wants.
By giving it, its way, is enabling. Part of taking care of ourselves is no longer giving in to the disease. This is a perfect example of how insidious this disease is.
Hon I am so sad you are going through this. If I were you, I would get a R order asap.
Sounds like the alcoholic was hurting also. This disease is legendary for splitting up things and tearing things apart like families, relationships, jobs, health, what ever it gets it's hands on. Been there and done that also and am glad to have reached the doors of Al-Anon and to be led to the "what was my part in it?" self discovery. It was me against she and she against me for a full-time blame game. The pressure came off when I got to acknowledge and own my part in the whole mess including some very crazy reactions. I learned to drop the "YOU" pronoun from my conversations with her and the conversations got more civil and shorter in length...could never have imagined that even after I was told by my sponsor that it would happen. I also learned to own and accept accusations from her when they were true and that also shortened the fights because there was no more push and pull.
Might it be a good suggestion that if he is threatening and abusive that you have the police there to escort him thru the belongings? Might it also be a good suggestion that you offer him a list of things that you think is fair, honest and just, for him to have? Might it also be worth considering that if he is abusive and now has the .38 caliber pistol that you consider filing a TRO? "Sitting there taking it" is not a good picture for me today and then you might be more daring and waiting for the "other shoe" to drop before making things right and safe for you. Often times people get rageful and the thought of a life time incarceration doesn't register as meaningful enough to contain themselves. Sitting there "taking it" triggers a target imagination for me. I sure do hope you contemplate forms of defense like police escort, TRO, family participation and so on. You are responsible for yourself and what happens to you. You don't sound imposing enough or important enough for him to consider holding himself back. The mix sound flamable.
What ever you decide I hope it is with the safety of you and your family in mind along with who gets what and how long does he stay and how many bad words can he call you before you decide enough is enough.
I can relate to this very much. Certainly you can have a police escort for him when he is there to pick whatever up. I also think that for me there was for the A something in there in trying to hurt me when he took stuff that was mine. He was lashing out. I removed myself from the equation. I was always trying to make it right for the A but sometimes there is no making right when someone has completely destroyed their life.
I have also been the TRO route. To some extent that helped but enforcing it is another measure. I can understand your world of hurt. I know for me I continually expected the A to measure up and he could not.
You did the same thing I do, most of the time, anyway......just keep my mouth shut and wait for it to be over, I don't want anything to be sorry of, either. And because your son was there and heard it all, I think it was especially important to not sling back daggers.
My AH threatens all the time to leave, not pay the house pmt., to do all these mean things, but he doesn't do them.
I have learned that words are just words, and when they fly out of his mouth, I just let them lie there on the floor and die. It just isn't worth it to argue. Especially with a drunk.
Sorry you are feeling so drained, but that is pretty normal, I think, after being under all that stress.
Be good to yourself.
You received some wonderful ESH on this subject, from all ends of the spectrum, I believe. Now is the time to take what you like and leave the rest.
