The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow is day 3 after my AH tried the abandonment game and I didn't play. I let him walk. And then wouldn't let him come back. It's very quiet today with no contact after his pleading yesterday, now he's trying the "silence, she'll think I've suicided and panic after a few days"... As this sinks in I don't know what he'll do but I feel stronger every day. He will try money first. Stop all support. But my HP is faithful and will look after me. I received $40 in the mail today. Not much but enough for today..... I have shed some tears and I am having withdrawal from not feeling those horrible black hole feelings. I thought, "Am I missing that awful feeling that I get every night, wondering what's going to happen and how drunk he'll be, making his dinner knowing it might not get eaten until the morning, smelling that hell smell of midnight beer breath....." I am so burntby the alcoholic behaviour that I only have to remember what I would be feeling and doing at this time of day to think, "No way, never again". I have to grieve this break, just as I would any other loss. It's weird to feel peaceful and not have to worry about anything for a change!!
I remember shortly after leaving my a that I would miss the chaos that he created in my life. It's almost like a thrill seeking addiction or something and when it was gone I craved it even though it was bad and I didn't like it. It's strange that I would want something and not want it so much all at the same time. Hard to reconcile that but something to look at as the part I played in it. I remember asking myself for so long what was I getting out of that? What was the payoff?
I think for me, there was a hole where this ENORMOUS NEEDY person took and took and took. Its was a really HUGE hole he left in me but I also allowed the hold to be made. I gave and gave and gave! It takes quite some time to sew up that hole. For me, its really taken a good two years to really feel comfortable w/o him taking so much of my time and energy. They are huge children, really. Giant babys complete with tantrums, etc. Mine was probably around age 9.
There is a grieving that will take its course. This is part of what al-anon meetings are for. We all miss them- my god, they are larger than life!!! of course, it will feel really strange to not have them around. It also goes to show how much we contorted to fit their massive presence, to try to cajole them, humor them, calm them down, etc. all that wasted energy!!! its still mind boggling to me.
take it one day at a time. U are gonna be a-ok!! do you get to face to face meetings on a regular basis? I go at least 3 x per week. Good luck and stay in touch here. There is always some one to chat with here. Hugs, J.
Thankyou all for your caring replies. I only hope that I can give back to alanon one day what I have recieved. Yes, go to two meetings a week. And won't be missing any now!!
god bless you for your strength! I've been in a live-in relationship with an alcoholic for 10 years now. You think I would have learned...especially how sick it makes me when he drinks! That "midnight beer breath" is going on right now and snoring up a storm in my bed. Of course I can't sleep! With every inhale/snore my blood boils more! I am getting soooo tired! I feel so defeated at times. Good luck to you! You will make it! You sound like you are well on your way and have a good mindset! Stay strong!
