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My husband has been sober for 4 years until today. We have a 2 year old son and he was home with him for 5 hours today while I worked out of town. I got a call on my way home from my husband who was crying and obviously very drunk. Issue number one is drinking around our son, issue two is his drinking.
My reaction was not anger but fear for my son. Once I spoke to my son on the phone I felt better. I contacted my parents to meet me at the house to pick him up so that he would not spend another moment in our home with a drunk parent. Before we had our son we spoke at great length about how he would not grow up in a drinking family and he would not be subjected to my husbands "other personality" I feel he has broken that vow to me, to my son. I understand tomorrow he maybe sorry about it. It just feels broken.
I need some help in talking to my husband about this. I don't enjoy being a mother figure to him and I know we need some serious counseling but I am sure I am going to have to speak to him tomorrow. I am not full of rage.. just so utterly disappointed and feel blindsided by this. Now of course I so want to go to some meetings but I can't. I just looked at they are all at night and that would mean leaving my son with my husband which will not be happening in the near future.
I am sad to hear your AH relapsed. Part of it all. Still hurts. Hopefully he will grab onto aa and get to meetings for many days in a row.
He knows what he did, he knows how you feel. We cannot stop them from using.
If you have already made the boundary, what was the consequence if his disease caused a relapse?
Did you guys make a plan?
I am soooo proud of you for not allowing him to watch your precious child. I am always shocked how many people will still allow their using spouses to watch the kids.
I always say, would you leave them with a drunk babysitter?
(((((Ginny))))))) I know there are so many emotions wrapped up in this issue. First and foremost is your son. Then of course there's trust, boundaries, responsibility. So much is compromised when a relapse happens. "Blindsided" is a word that I would use when a relapse occurred. It always felt like it was so out of left field. I never saw them coming.
So what now? Have your boundaries been set with him? There's no need to mother him. His sobriety is up to him. Your concern is obviously the safety of your son. Detachment is key. You can love him, but not allow that to color what you know you must do for yourself and your son. He may regain his sobriety and never take another drink ever - or he may continue to struggle with it. Either way, there must be a plan for childcare.
In all of this - realize that he loves his family. I know I always took slips so personally. Like it was some reflection of my A's love for me. I've realized that slips don't have anything to do with me. Alcoholics drink. That's what they do. And they beat themselves up over it. Hopefully he will get back in his program and continue to recover. But realize there are no guarantees of anything, and you don't have any control over it. The only thing you CAN control is your response and whatever plan you put into action.
I hope that you find a way to get to a meeting. Can your parents watch your son? A friend? You really need that for you.
Welcome to the MIP family. I am sorry that your husband relapsed. Unfortunately that's part of his disease. Hopefully he has a sponsor and will be able to get back on track. Please remember that they beat themselves up when that happens. It becomes a vicious cycle that hopefully he can find his way back. Never give up the hope.
I take it your son isn't old enough to attend Alateen meetings. There are meetings that offer baby sitting. Some even just allow the child to come. I think how you handle his relapse is very important for both of you. Before I found Alanon, and even before "I got it", I handle his relapses very badly. But now I handle them differently. I am very calm and we actually talk about it. He was even honest with me when he drank (as if I couldn't tell). We talk about it. What he wants to do in order to stay sober. We read our morning meditations to each other. Somehow we've turned a corner in both our recoveries. He does know that I can't live with an active alcoholic, but I am willing to give him a chance to recover. I know in my heart of hearts that he doesn't want to die with a bottle in his hand.
You have to do what is in the best interest of your family. Just remember if you set a boundary you have to be prepared to enforce them. It's like grounding a child to their bedroom with TV, Ninetendo, phone and their toys! Whatever you decide we're with you all the way. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You do not need to react. Their is only one time to talk to a drunk in my opinion. In the first few hours of the morning there is a brief period of intense remorse and a desire to stop. This is soon followed by the collapse of the will and a decision to give into the hopelessness of powerlessness over alcohol. At this point the ears close and you just get uh huh and yes dear and empty promises. If you can't talk then,wait for another day. One day at a time. You get a few minutes a day in my experience.
I would not make statements or especially reinforce boundaries . My suggestion would be to ask questions rather than make statements and ultimatums. Just to give you the idea of the questions coming to mind:
What do you think you should do?
Maybe he'll have a moment of brilliance and suggest he go to AA right away before his relapse deepens. Maybe he will want to harm himself instead of help himself though. Ask if that is what he really wants, if maybe he really just wants a way out.
Prayer, an immediate phone call to AA, by him not you, contacting a sponsor or going to a morning or noon meeting like right now!. These are good actions you might lead him too if he wants to go off the deep end and can't come up with them himself but kind questions not orders work best.
If he instead raises the false bravado game, his defenses might still be particularly thin for a few moments. He is in an enormous amount of pain and it might seem unfair to have him in such a position but its the best positon he can be in actually.
In a non accusatory tone, "He's your son too, How can we provide for his safety? If he is not ready to take action, something agreeable to you both might be in order.
For a short while he can be in your position. He's not an instant ogre, I don't know him but he is a sick man facing many of the same fears you are. Share them, let him share his but don't trust what he says but only what he does. Remorse and sincerity dissolve the instant the decision to go have another drink is made. It works faster than the drink does sometimes. If you've given him enough time to shake a few cobwebs clear but not enough to shake the remorse perhaps you can communicate. Your window is very breif. Until you cach it, I would go to face to faces meeting as if your child welfare and perhaps your own depended on it. I would go to any lenght to get there.
