The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do I really want to live with someone who doesn't talk and says they have nothing to say but then goes to a friends house gets on the booze and flaps his mouth off until he's off his face?? NO I DON'T!!! I have had two weeks of silent treatment for no reason, I am sick of this and alcoholic behavours for 13 years. He also won't talk to our 12 year old and expects US to make all the conversation and approach him. I don't want to live like this anymore. There are three people in our house and only two communicate, my son and I. The other just parasitically feeds off our emotions. I feel like I have come to a place of making a decision. I want to separate because I don't like living in this negative environment with a gloomy dead man. I love him but can't live with him. I would tell him that. He won't leave me, which makes me have to leave which is a huge disruption for both me and our son. I hate that. I have thought up plans until my brain was on fire, but can't put anything into action. I just want to get out of here. I am thinking if I move out for two weeks, tell him calmly what I am doing and why, and also explain to our son (12)--the two weeks is time for him to find somewhere else to live and then I can move back. I will take out a trespassing order to keep him away. I am not living with an active alcoholic anymore, it's killing me. Nothing helps. I can have all the serenity in the world, but I still do not want to live like this. It's insanity to put up with it!! I am a grateful member of alanon. The only way is out. But I can't seem to get out.......................................
((((((((Silverbumbry))))))))))) you're in a very similar position as I was all those years ago, only my A was violent and had split his two children's loyalties through emotional blackmail. In the end I had to get out and it broke my heart. So I can feel for you at this time.
I cannot advise you one way or the other, indeed it would be wrong of me or anyone else to do so in this situation, however I can pray for you, for the clarity of your next action, for the protection for your 12 year old, and for the necessary resources and means, the wherewithal, and the strength to make your plans and go with them as you feel fit for you and your son.
Cannot help but feel for your dilemma and the pain and the desperation that you are probably feeling too.
Make your plans, and I would tell your boy - though that is up to you too - then take courage in both hands to do what is right for the both of you.
Come back and tell us where you are at and pick up as much support and love you can from this wonderful family.
Hugs, Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I so understand how you feel. My A did a complete emotional withdrawl every time I irritated him even slightly. I was lucky in that he left when I asked him to. I don't know how I would have managed with the kids if I had to move, but I would have if I needed to. I could not go on like that anymore either. I decided that our home needed to be our haven and as long as he jeopardised that, he was not welcome here.
Keep coming back and stay safe.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Erosion is the word I use. I felt like I was slowly but surely eroding like all of the soil slowly leaving the side of a hill or mountain...
Eventually, all the soil was just gone.
It is extremely difficult to live in a negative environment. I could not do it anymore. I left. I have no kids, though. But even if I had, I would have gone- probably sooner because I would not want to have my child experience that constant erosion so early in life.
I cannot give you advice. I can only tell you that I have been gone for going on two years and I need to be very careful to remain in positive or neutral places and hang out with positive or neutral people. I am healing and I am getting better thanks in part to this program, to my therapist, to my face to face al-anon groups which I attend 3 x per week, exercise, reading, etc. When confronted with negativity (there is alot of it in this world!!), it is not affecting me so much.
My home needs to be my sanctuary (perhaps because there is so much negativity in this world??!!), like Jen was talking about. It needs to be a place of love and light and joy and goodness and beauty and fun. It can be very simple (I prefer this) but it can still be a nourishing place nonetheless. I thrive in this kind of setting. Its is a requirement like water and food.
I am very sensitive to atmospheric environments. I have a thin skin in this regard. Some of us do and some of us do not. I know my boundaries in this regard, much better in the two years I have been out of that house. Please keep coming back here and good luck in whatever you choose. It is your choice. No one else can help you make that choice. But either way, you will be OK, silver. Hugs, J.
