The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm the brother of an alcoholic who has been struggling for the past 8 years (since age 16). Without telling his life story, there have been very troubling times. When he drinks, he gets violent, sees no point in living, etc. It's literally been a rollercoaster that has taken a toll on him and everyone who loves him.
Despite a DUI and some extremely difficult periods/incidents, he managed to finish college. He's had trouble finding a job and living at home with my parents, unemployed has not done much to help things. He's been to treatment facilities - he's usually out within a few hours. Once he stayed 5 days and never followed up with AA. Last night, he got nabbed for his second DUI offense. I just got back from the hospital (they took him because he threatened his own life), and he looks absolutely defeated. He knows that the consequencs are very serious and has a very bleak outlook on life.
My parents and I have lived this for the past 8 years. I got married and moved out a couple years ago and have been able to break away from the sleepless nights, the constant worrying...but they're stuck in it. 8 months ago, there was an incident that put me over the edge and I haven't seen or talked to him since then. We've avoided each other. "Being there" for him wasn't working so I thought I'd try the tough love route. That seems to not have worked either. My parents have been more than supportive, probably to the point of enablement.
What do you do when it kills you to watch someone with so much potential slowly ruin their life? I feel like I can't do anything for him. My parents have tried and tried, but they're exhausted. He has no place to go but back to my parents at some point. Given his violent history (when drinking), someone will get hurt if he goes home. How do you convince someone to seek long-term care? How do you "deal" when you feel so badly for this person who is throwing their life away?
That was a lot more than I planned to write and I'm sure most of you have similar stories. This isn't someone who we can just detach from. He's our family and we will live this for as long as he has this problem.
Not sure what I'm looking for on this board, but thought it would be a good place to start. Appreciate anything anyone can share.
Unfortunately, you can't. This is the "thing you cannot change", that must be accepted. In reality, everything that everyone is doing for him may be keeping him from getting the help he needs - softening his landing means he can't hit bottom and accept his reality.
Your parents, and you too, would really benefit from attending face to face meetings, and reading some of our literature. If your parents are resisitant, you could go, and bring them some reading material back. It truly is a life saver - teaching a way to save our own lives, while still loving and supporting the alcoholic. All of our hearts have been broken, seeing the damage this disease does to our loved ones. However, if we slide down the slope into despair with them, it does not help anything. Riding the rollercoaster with him, and destroying your own lives, will not save him, and may in fact make things worse for him.
If love could cure alcoholism, there would be no alcoholics - it can't, though. There is not much you can do for your brother. However, you and your parents can do a lot for yourselves. Welcome.
I am the mother of a son. He is in his early 40's and has been on the binge circuit since college. He doesn't drink constantly, but periodically he goes on a binge for a couple days at a time. He is always remorseful and gets himself under "control". Whether he is actually an alcoholic has long been a question for me because he is highly functioning and has not been in any legal trouble....but he has lost his marriage, his home, and joint custody of his son.
I pray your parents can find help early for themselves. My husband and I have not experienced much with our son until the past two years. But with the failed marriage and our grandbaby in the midst, it is a miserable life for the two of us. Neither of us has yet found solace or comfort, but I reach out several times a week on this site. It helps.
Your brother is fortunate to have you...a brother. I so wish my son had a sibling. I don't know why really, but I can see from your post that you love him, are concerned for him, and for your parents. I cannot offer much comfort to you, but I acknowledge your pain. I know from being on this site for over a year that those who respond to you will have sound and logical sharing for you and your family. Read and learn. I know that these good people will take you in and help you with their personal experiences.
hi BLB Welcome to alanon. Your brother has to want recovery for himself. The rest of us who have been affected by another's using have to want that for ourselves, too. Our thinking becomes confused and it affects our whole lives, but we can get outselves back. Lin has given great suggestions with concrete steps. Please try a nearby fact-to-face meeting. You're right, we've all been where you are. That's what brings us here. Hope to see you write again. Jill
Brian - you've found the right place. How lucky your brother is to have you. The love and concern is all over your post.
I know that the word "detachment" has a cold sound to it, but here in al-anon, we use the phrase "detach with love". That simply means that while you love and care about your brother (there's not a person on this board who doesn't/hasn't loved their alcoholic very much), that you separate yourself from his "drama", his "chaos". All the while loving him and being his brother. Sometimes we need to get out of the alcoholic's way. The one thing you may decide to "fix" for him or save him from, may be the one thing that he needed to deal with in order to get better. And he can get better. But that is all up to him.
On this board, you will find parents, siblings, children, friends, and spouses of alcoholics. We have been exactly where you and your parents are. Exactly. Stay with us here and listen to what others have to say. We don't offer advice here, but we do offer our own experience, strength, and hope. May you find peace, as well.
welcome , your absolutley right you cannot do anything for him , this is his trip allow him the dignity to do it his way . I believe u can detach from his behavior , and allow him the dignity to do life the way he chooses. Detachment does not mean to separate physically , tho occasionally it is the only way to keep your own sanity . Until his enablers say NO absolutley nothing will change for him . We learn to set boundaries for our relationships here to not suffer because of the alcoholics actions or reactions . To love them as they are . Anger dosent help he already hates him self it only makes things worse. Threats don't work , begging dosent work ultimatums don't work as i am sure u already know. In my opinion the best way to support him is to get to Al-Anon meetings and learn all u can about the disease that is running his life at the moment . You will meet people who have been where your at and will share thier own experiences with you . Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change it only gets worse . good luck Louise
Welcome to MIP. The story you tell of the impact of alcohol on the life of your brother, your parents and you, is one we all share. It took me many months to understand that the "courage to change the things I can" in the serentiy prayer, meant "me". I devoted a lot of energy into trying to manange the outcomes for the alcoholic in my life, a man I love so deeply, even more so today. It left me exhausted, and less able to live my own life to the fullest. It was a hard lesson to learn that I couldn't, but also somewhat a relief to realize that "my failures" were not because of some weakness in me, but because to try to control or cure it is hopeless. Just as it would be hopeless for me to try to control or cure another person's disease through my sheer will. You've made a tremendous step in coming to this board, maybe going to a face to face meeting and offering what you learn to your parents can help them find some relief as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and especially, your brother.
Welcome to MIP! Many here share your story. They tell us in Alanon to detach with love. I still work on this. This disease is cunning, baffling, and will take everything down with it. They tell us here to learn all you can about alcoholism. They tell us to go to six face to face Alanon meetings before making a decision that it is for you. Sometimes NO is the best for our alcoholics.
Aloha BLB!! You asked, "What do you do when it kills you to watch someone with so much potential slowly ruin their life?" One thing that might work and has worked in the past for many is to call the AA central hotline as ask if they make 12 step calls. These calls are when a recovering AA or two go to talk with a non-recovering AA usually in hospitals, instiitutions or jails. They relate what it was like for them, what happened as a result of turning to the AA program and what it is like now. They do not preach. The do share their Experience Strength and Hope.
If your brother is not a "captive" audience at the time, one thing that might help is continue to suggest AA. The court and judge may already have that as a protocol in which the referred person has to get a paper signed over a period of time and meetings. Don't give up hope for him but do give up control, anger, resentment, disinterest etc., this is a disease not a moral issue.
I am glad you came here and I am glad you also got suggestions; one being getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. This disease affects everyone it come into contact with and often times the family of the alcoholic fares worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We go thru the trauma wide awake with all of our senses and nerve endings unprotected.
He gets suggestions...you get suggestions. The programs work if we work them.They worked for us and may work for you. Keep coming back here cause the spirit here is very powerful and often leads to positive changes and happiness.
Glad you found home. Pull up your chair and join in.
Thanks so much for all of the replies. I was amazed that I posted this on a Saturday night and by the next morning there were already so many people responding. Each post has been helpful. It's clear that al-anon meetings are a good next step - both I and my parents are planning to go.
Looking forward to hearing more from all of you over time.
You have many great responses, so just let me say that detachment does not mean that we don't love them. It is not abondoning them. It is a way of disentangling ourselves emotionally from their situation so we can have some peace and make good informed decisions about how to manage our lives. Attachment (emotional entanglement) is not healthy, or helpful, in dealing with an alcoholic. Al-Anon has a good pamphlet on detachment. You may be able to find it at a face2face meeting, or you can order it from any Al-Anon liturature center.
I am very happy to hear that you all plan to get to some meetings. They are wonderful.
Keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
An idea that helped me a lot in coming to terms with the idea of detaching is this:
In alanon we learn to give our alcoholic loved on the DIGNITY of experiencing the natural consequences of their own choices and decisions. When we "help" by rushing in to save them, they may - even though we don't intend it - be receiving the message, "you can't do this". I've also heard of this rescuing called "mattressing", maybe on this site - we exhaust ourselves by keeping vigil and rushing in with a mattress to soften our loved one's fall. This also means we're not actually living our own lives.
When I was new in the program, I heard a woman share about a time she and her (now ex-) alcoholic husband were in counseling. She was explaining to the counselor how she could SEE that hubby was headed for disaster, and she just wanted to prevent the train wreck. Hubby looked at her and said: "Why can't you just LET me SCREW UP for once?"
Hi Brian, welcome. You can learn to detach but it takes time and one day at a time work and the willingness to change some ideas of your own which won't make sense for a while cause its only normal to think that "Hey! your not the one with the problem, HE is. Just never say never cause detaching with love and prayer are a couple of the best things you can do for him and a lot of times they work.
