The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Friday nights I start getting anxious. By early Saturday morning I am a wreck. I sit waiting for interactions from son or EXDIL. Today I tried to get ahead of the game. I called to set up a Sunday with grandbaby. She said fine. I am now taking the child to his dad's apartment rather than waiting for him to come here where he has to pass his former home with what is going on there now. I am trying to keep the door open between his son and him. EXDIL gave me her new phone # last weekend and FORBID me to give it so my son. I understand. She is trying to cut her final tie and has. Now he isn't even permitted to make phone contact with his child. I understand. He undoubtedly couldn't resist putting in his complaints and opinions about the new situation. She isn't going to permit that at all. I am to be their go-between. Do I have a choice? Yes, I could say absolutely not. The consequence of that: you will not see the grandbaby. Our only recourse would then be legal......how stupid. How utterly stupid that two adults can make such a mess. My spouse will have surgery next week with a couple days of hospitalization followed by more recovery time. I feel as if my life is totally controlled by everything I cannot control. Does that make sense? My son's second appointment with counselor is next week. I am betting he won't go. He thinks he is above all that. He liked it last week intitally; a little later he indicated otherwise. If he doesn't keep the appointment, I will. I think it would be much more positive for me to go and try to understand why I cannot let go of this than for my son to go and well....fail. Because I think that is what will happen. I have lost all faith and hope about where our lives are headed. Nothing looks positive to me. And so the weekend unfolds. I am not going to answer the phone nor am I going to return calls today. My mind and body just won't take it. But you now what, that is just avoiding the inevitable....chaos exsists and constantly drags me in regardless of how hard I fight against it.
Advice? Not me. NEVER!! The best thing for you to do is remove yourself from this whole train wreck. You are right when you say these situations are ones over which you have no control. But you continue to revisit this terrible hurt. Sometimes we must completely detach to save our own sanity.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Hmmmm...familiar words...and true ones. Despair, unhappiness, resentment, anger; all these emotions feed upon the continuation of our placing ourselves in their company.
Accept the things I cannot change. Familiar? I used to think slogans were silly and stupid. Then I learned that the basic premise of many of them makes just plain good sense. And when we learn to employ them into our day-to-day living, it is amazing how quickly we start our own recovery.
Let go and let God. Now there's a slogan that contains an enormous amount of meaning in only five words. I hope that someday you can manage to see the bright light emanating from the beacon of AlAnon.
It works if you work it!!
Best wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have truthfully identified the reason I do not detach completely. IT is my spouse. He is the one who keeps me attached to this mess because he cannot bear to lose his grandson. And I cannot bear to have that happen to him and I KNOW it will. He has no other relative in the world except our son and this grandson. And me. I am the one who feels the awful burden of keeping these channels open regardless of the price I pay daily. I fantasize about how I would handle things if I were doing it completely alone. I think it would be different. I think I could function without the contact with son, EXDIL, grandbaby. Yes, I would be extremely sad, but that I can handle. So yes, as long as nothing changes, nothing will change. No pun intended but we have groundhog's day EVERYDAY in our world!! I wish my HP would clearly yell at me what to do. That hasn't happened in spite of how much I beg for intervention and guidance. Or maybe I am getting just that. Maybe HP wants me to be the one here who is bearing the burden and keeping the action going. I just don't know.
Thank you, Diva, for your sensible, logical response. I always appreciate your words...always.
Hi, wow I really can see how much you care and I don't understand your situation exactly. But I know the love of a grandchild seems to exceed all. Please take the following as it is meant in love.. I do know from experience I see alot of Mothers of adult sons that just will not let them grow up and literally block them from becoming all they can. For example: My mother in law actually said to me one time: I see men who have good jobs, families and are strong adults "why can't my son be like that" After I resisted the strong urge to punch her flat in the face I thought to myself your son is perfectly capable of anything- actually very strong and smart and if you would STOP treating him like a twelve year old than I am certain he would very quickly be more "adult" but you tell him he can't every time you rescue him or treat him like a baby. I am not saying you do this necessarily just if you do you may not be aware how small ways that say "your still a child" keep people down you might be saying I love you and want what is best for you but he might be hearing "you are not capable" check it out with the counselor if you think it is a possibility if not please excuse me if I hurt you!! I have so many areas in my life I need to work on I would want someone to suggest any possible solutions to me.
May I ask what is keeping your son from petitioning the court for change and to persue his rights as a father? This seems to be the largest problem.
Unless he fights for himself and his rights it will always be like this. Seems to me if he would set this straight in court all this would be resolved and the XDIL would either allow him visitation or be in contempt.
If he petitioned the court she would need to give proof of multiple arrests, abuse etc. If there is none of that then there should be no problem in getting the supervision thing changed..
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own.
It is really evident to me now that this is true. I worked so hard to try to make my ex-wife and her two son's lives better and happier. And of course this meant the way I saw their lives should be. I see so clearly now, how unhappy I was that they wouldn't play along with the plan I had for them. And how my unhappiness spread to them as well. How much better my life would have been then...even if it still would have ended in divorce...if I had spent in being happier.
If I am happy it shines out from me and lights up those around me. I cannot change the realities of other peoples lives, I don't have the power. I can change my reality.
Letting the joy and love of my HP's light shine in me illuminates everything. His light CAN change those around me. Sometimes it might take others some time to start appreciating the light, but if I keep it burning, little by little, one day at a time, the light can start spreading...and growing.
I'm with Diva on this one and David. If nothing changes nothing changes, and if I'm not happy, I'm not happy. Every time I see your postings on this situation, you're more and more miserable. I recall many of our members have been here and done this, and they've lived in complete misery till it dawned on them that absolutely nothing was going to change till they realized that their lives were in their hands and it was up to them how willing they were to live like this. I've also come to realize that the more I expect water out of dry wells, the more sand I'll get. You can continue to live like this, or change how you want to live.
I am in agreemant with Jean. I also think maybe the first two lines of your response to Diva look like red flags to me.
"I have truthfully identified the reason I do not detach completely. IT is my spouse. He is the one who keeps me attached to this mess because he cannot bear to lose his grandson."
Your husband is not a child either. I haven't the right to assume what they can bear. That is his HP's job. I try to have faith in other peoples ability to handle their own part in the problem.
That is what stood out for me, anyway. Take what you like.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
So, in that list of things that you would do differently if you had no one to consider but yourself, are there any things that you CAN do, right now? Maybe not big ones. Find one thing that you can make happen, get help to do it if you must. It really doesn't have to be anything large or important. The main thing is taking charge of your own happiness. Once you take a baby step, and the world does not end, you find the courage and resources to take another one.
I spent so much of my life unhappy, and, really, it was mostly my own self that was keeping me from doing what I wanted. I just blamed it on the A, on the kids, on no money, on the weather...... It's like I had to stay unhappy, in order not to 'waste' all the unhappiness that went before. Of course, that kind of thinking is crazy, but not very unusual, I think. I bet I'm not the only one here who has felt that, deep down.
Hard to say what I would do. Right now I'm the one not letting the father see his child so I can see the mama's point of view. I don't have any family close by to help with my kids so I would welcome the free time. It kills me when people don't appreciate that when I wish for it. I don't know what I would do if it was my grandbaby. I would like to think that I would tell my son if he wants to see his child then he can go to court and fight for him. I would like to think that I would have grandbaby over for me and not for everyone else. Love and adore him and then send him home. I am pretty sure I wouldn't be catering to everyone else's desieres and needs. Of course you never know what you'll do till you're in the moment. But that's what I'd like to think I'd do.
