The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time visiting this forum. I have been concerned about my husband's drinking for quite some time now. My husband and I have had many discussions about his drinking and he promises me that he doesn't have a problem. However, this afternoon I found an empy bottle of vodka in his closet and a gatorade bottle with vodka in it in his drawer. This isn't the first time I've found a gatorade bottle with alcohol in it, but he has always had an explanation for it. I guess I'm finally realizing that his "explanations" were just excuses. I'm really concerned and I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help with this. Please give me some suggestions on how to approach him with the issue.
I dealt with an A who always had explanations. He was working a lot, he never got paid, his friends let him down. He had many many many explanations. I kept trying to make sense out of them. I found much much solace here and came to terms with that he was addicted. I am still very much in process but I am no longer confused. I really recommend this site and this group as a place to process emotions.
My suggestion on how to approach him is to ask yourself 'why' you are approaching him. If you just want to tell him that he's drinking too much - well, if he's hiding his booze, he already knows. If you just want to tell him that you don't like it, - well, if he's hinding his booze and lying to you, he already knows. Are you ready to give him an ultimatum - "stop drinking or I'm leaving"? This only works if you fully accept that it will probably mean you have to leave. Most likely, he can't stop drinking - if it were that easy, it would have already happened.
Saying something once is speaking your mind - continuing to say it is nagging. Now, I've got nothing against nagging, if that would work - it nagging could have saved my husband, I'd have nagged every day and twice on Sundays. In fact, I did, for years. Looking back, I doubt if all of my nagging stopped him from taking one drink. It did give him an excuse to drink more, though, as if he needed one.
The best thing you can do is stop trying to get him to do anything, and start focusing on yourself - what do you need, to give you some joy and serenity in your life? Get yourself to face to face alanon meetings, find out more about alcoholism, come to this board - you cannot stop the roller coaster he is riding, but you can choose to get yourself off. This does not necessarily mean that you must leave him - many people find that using alanon tools allows them to stay in the marriage, and still be pretty happy, even when the alcoholic is still drinking. I did, myself.
I know that this is probably not what you came here to hear, but we don't have a way for you to make your husband stop drinking. There is no way - it is only something he can do himself, you can't do it for him, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying. There is not much you can do for him, but there is plenty you can do for yourself. Welcome.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. What worked for me was the suggestion that I get to an open Al-Anon meeting directly, that my life depended on it. I found the statement a bit farfetched and took the suggestion anyway. The lady on the other side of the phone was correct. When I got to the meeting they suggested that I do as many meetings in 90days as was possible and to "keep coming back." Again I did what was suggested and am still here as this is a "life" program whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. This program is for us...not the alcoholic although it is the alcoholic that triggers our search for help. We make suggestions in the program and don't give advice. I suggest you look in the white pages of you phone book for the Al-Anon hotline and get someone to talk to with meeting places and times. "Your life could depend on it."
My alcoholic wife use to hide liquor in empty perfume and colonge bottles. The disease demands that they drink and they will do what ever is necessary to fulfill that demand.
Some really good advice already about getting to an Alanon meeting. I just wanted to add that "Alanon suggests you wait six months before making any major decisions about your life." But that's with you attending meetings. I love how Jerry said "your life may depend on it."
I know my life depended on it once upon a time and by the grace of God I went to a meeting and haven't stopped since. I hope you will give it a try.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are asking for advice on how to "approach him with this issue."
Well.... I can't give you advice, but I will share a little of my experience. Perhaps it will help you now or in the future.
For years, I lost track of how many, my recovering AH hid his whiskey bottles in various places. The last 3 years before he went to rehab, he would use Vitamin Water bottles. You know the kind with the wide mouth. This drink is sold at places like Target. Oh, the wide mouth makes it really convenient for alcoholics to poor their booze in them.
Through the years, I did various things, but not in any particular chronoligical order: 1) dump the whiskey out when I found the bottles 2) tainted the bottles with hot sauce 3) set the bottle right out in the middle of the garage floor so he knew I knew 4) told him that I knew where his stashes were (he just found new ones 5) lectured him on how alcohol destroys his body 6) pleaded with him to get help. 6) the last year we were together, I didn't talk with him unless I absolutely had to. I probably did more, but have blocked it all out.
NOTHING I did helped. I think it even made it worse. He was very creative with his excuses. I believed many of them for a while, no, for years. Then one day, I began researching alcoholism, mostly onlind. Then I ran across the book Getting Them Sober and my life changed. Lightbulb moment! I gave him an ultimatium: stop drinking and get help or I'm leaving. Of course, he didn't believe me because I had said I would too many times (don't say it unless you are going to follow through). I followed through back in July. Three weeks later, he admitted himself into a detox center, then rehab. He goes to AA meetings and works the program. It is wonderful to see him as he was years ago. However, I am cautious. I continue to live outside our home, but I do see him almost every weekend. I am contemplating trying again. But I am not close to actually making that decision.
My husband and I endured a lot of pain for years. Things turned around for us when the pain of staying with him was far greater than the pain of leaving.
Keep seeking. You will find the answer for you. Stormie
Welcome to MIP! It has helped me alot in understanding the disease of alcoholism. In Alanon we learn to focus on ourselves because sometimes we become sicker than they do. Keep coming back. Try a face to face meeting.
