The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me I don't battle the "partying". I battle emotional distance during drinking and when he's not, more when he is. When I try to talk to him he sometimes makes jokes about women vs. men and emotional connection but it's so much more than the normal issues like that. How much of my wants are unrealistic. He is more self medicating and abandoning than being "bad. He's a very good guy. I get maybe 5 minutes of him a night though, then it's only light in passing type conversation. I should leave, I deserve better. Why can't I? We are not married just living together for 4 years. I love him but it's like I get half of him. The thing I hate the most of all is the "guilt" I feel because I want more. I want to share his life and he keeps it like I'm not good enough to share it. I feel sad tonight so I guess I'm dramatic. Anyone else live with emotional distance?
Yep and not all the time. It's fun when the distance is not so wide and I'm grateful for it. I try to give as much as I can and don't push it. I've got other friends that are mutually supportive. There are times when I want the distance when she will burst into my exclusive space and want me to respond on the second. I use the program. It all works out okay.
Glad, I can really relate. I've known my A (off and on) for 30 years. I've noticed as his disease progressed that his emotional distance did, too. (He's had sobriety for a few years here and a few years there over the past 30 years.) This last time we were together was a long distance relationship (since he now lives overseas). The emotional distance was very real. At one point I even broke off the relationship - and told him that I was so sad because I thought what the physical distance took away, we could somehow make up for with emotional closeness. No such luck. He wasn't even aware of the distance.
" I want to share his life and he keeps it like I'm not good enough to share it." I completely understand that feeling. And I ended up with such negative feelings about myself as a result of it. What I've come to understand, though, is that he has a disease. One that keeps him from being able to participate fully in any kind of partnership. His partnership is with alcohol. My A protected that relationship above everything else. He was also more of a self medicator - and was not a "partyer". I saw his relationship with alcohol as very medicinal. He once told me that he didn't feel like a "normal" person until he drank. I don't know what's that like (and as he often told me..."you don't want to know"!).
My A broke off the relationship with me after his last slip, when he decided to get his head fully engaged in the program. I hope he has. I have no idea. It hurt like hell when that happened, but since then I've awakened to so much self-knowledge - because of this program. I've realized that I can love this person and not be with him. I've realized that I deserve a fully functioning adult who can be there for me - physically and emotionally. That I don't want to spend my days and nights worrying about him, or being kept at arms length from him emotionally. I know I deserve better.
I've also come to see my own disease. Because alcoholism doesn't just affect the one taking the drink, it produces shock waves all around him - and we all learn to react. The tools of Al-Anon are there because they work. I've learned about detaching with love, letting go and letting God, I've learned to slow down and think before simply reacting - and so much more.
I know it's hard to live with an A. I did it for several years. I know that unless you can let go of expectations and truly detach from his drama - then you will continue to struggle.
If you haven't already, I hope you find some face to face Al Anon meetings in your area. They're life savers.
In the meantime - take a deep breath. There's so much hope in this program. Keep coming back!
The program taught me to not rely on my AH for all of my emotional needs. I have made the effort to make a couple of good friends, and to reconnect with family and friends I had distanced myself from due to AH's "secret." In my case, I didn't realize until I got here how much I depended on my A for emotional support. It seemed easier to put all my eggs in one basket than make the effort to have deep relationships with friends or family. In retrospect I see that behavior is abnormal and unhealthy. I am a much happier and more balanced person having girlfriends, a close relationship with my parents (and the ability to accept who they are for what they are), and my relationship with my AH has improved because he is no longer the one who has to hear it all. Most people have an array of friends in addition to their partner/spouse. I think it is a symptom of our "disease" that many of us in al anon don't have a lot of friends. It is certainly true in my case.
Thank you all so much! yes my biggest issue is "all my eggs in one basket" when I stop crying and start living ie make more friends etc it will be better. However, right now I feel like who the heck would want to be friends with me but I can read a book, exercise etc. then get in a little better place and make tons of friends thanks for the reminder, hope I take it to heart as I tend to "slip" into self pitty. Think I'll post a sign on my bathroom mirror or something? love to all thanks for the help just when I needed it!
I was not married either. I lived with the A for 7 years. That is the longest relationship I ever had. At times the relationship worked but really there were no long stretches of it working. There were red flags day one. I got absolutely worn out before I came here. Then I started to detach and that really helped, then I made a plan b, then I acted on the plan b, now I am barely surviving. There are stages to this work.
