The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so new to even trying to figure lots of things out. When I read about how some people had detached from their spouse I really thought it was wrong. Till death do us part, love unconditionally etc. Well I almost lost my mind this week. I have really bad migraines... like almost deadly feeling. Doctor gave me some pills and I was so down I took too many.. all my odd feelings came out. My A seemed to like the fact I was messed up and did a really good "caretaking job" but wouldn't talk to me about my feelings after - misery loves company but not solutions I guess, I don't know. But didn't seem to and still doesn't seem to understand the pain he puts me in how much I care for him or how badly I want a good life. For some unknown reason I don't leave him ( I"m okay looking, I can support myself etc ) but anyway bottom line he just won't look at how his emotional detatchment from me in general and his drinking which go hand in hand hurt me so much. So if I don't leave or detach or both I'll die- either literally or emotionally. So now I know why you guys detach. Sorry for judging you!!
For me detachment helps me not get so enmeshed with her stuff, her baggage, her drama sorta. I'm there, I love her and I'm not caught up in her acting out. It's a "she" acting out not a "we" thing. Detachment helps me stay away from making it a "we" thing when it should be only hers. Clear? It's her I love and at times not what she is doing. I like the character of detachment envolved without loosing my own identity.
Jerry, brilliant. I love how you put that, it makes so much great simple sense! thank you, really needed to hear this today- hugs, thank God for you being on this board!! AND: thank God for you Glad for bringing up this important point!! we all win... J.
I was definitely over committed to the a and undercomitted to me. I had some very very very bad moments. I gave it more than my all. I almost lost it as a result. In addition my pets almost lost it too, they starved to be precise. They were homeless. There are limits. I had none before I have many now. I have many of them. I enforce them. I am conscious when I am being badly treated rather than suffer through it. I do not expect it. I do not see it as my "lot" anymore. I move to get out of it. I did not move to get out of it before.
Detaching for me was a very hard. I was always the type to want to control everything.
I think for me it has been standing back and watching the stupid things my A does but not letting it affect me the way that it used to. It's like a great weight has been lifted from me. I am no longer striving to prevent him from drinking. Whether he does or does not drink is none of my concern anymore.
A new found freedom that I never could have accomplished without Al-Anon.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
