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I am struggling today....AH had made a new years resolution to slow down on his drinking (his choice)...OK...so that was a month ago and Yeah, he has slowed way down...but there has still been the nights (at least 1-2 a week) where he is annoyingly drunk. Not fall down drunk, but enough to annoy me (usually after 6 beers). So...my question is WHY?? Doesn't he love us enough to want to do this?? What is the attraction?? He knows it bothers me, does he not care? He knows our marriage is on the rocks and what he needs to do to help it....does it not matter? He says he wants to "fix" us....well then HELLO?? I just don't get it.....it frustrates me so much! Should I just be happy with the effort and minor changes he has made thus far?
I am pretty sure he loves you and his family very much. He has a disease. He cannot behave any differently and yeah, it is SOMETHING that he is trying?! Many do not even bother with that (like mine). Please attend face to face al-anon meetings as often as you can in order to focus on yourself and not him. This will help you to learn about the disease of alcoholism and your own distorted thinking and behaviors. For me, I just went through a bout with my niece. I had to realize that its HER LIFE and HER CHOICES. She has her own HP and her own path. So does your AH. If you pay more attention to yourself and less to him and what he is doing or not doing, you will feel much much better and that is part of what this program is all about, taking care of YOU. Hugs, J.
I think what's being missed is that he can't, hon. Nothing can keep him from drinking. I believe he wants to, I believe he really really wants to. But he can't. I believe he's losing his mind trying, I belive that. I believe he's trying as hard as he can. I really do. And I believe he wants to more than he can express into words. But, hon, he honest to god can't. There is nothing that any institution, religion, or organizaiton, or any blood relative can do to help him with his drinking. He is going to have to reach a point where he sees his life in such stark terms that he can't not drink and he can't drink. And at that point, he'll be ready for help. Until then, it's all on you. you can go to meetings. Go see a professional. Pray. Do something, anything, to take care of you. Do something to help you live with what is right now, not what you want. That is an order near impossible. But if you rely on god, anything becomes possible.
It's not about you, hon. It's like saying "My husband has schizophrenia - doesn't he love me enough to stop hearing those voices?" He has a disease, and until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired and seeks recovery, he will keep on this way - it will only get worse, not better.
However, things don't have to be worse for you. You don't have to wait for him, you can start getting better right this minute.
For me, when it sunk in that he wasn't doing this TO us, but that there actually was something wrong with him, I was able to stop tormenting myself. I had been wondering why, was there something about me that made him do it, was I not good enough, what could I do that would make him be happy and normal. I'd been blaming him, why was he such a jerk, why couldn't he just work half as hard at the marriage as I did, why was he so selfish...... None of those questions mean anything. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it. He wasn't a bad man, he was a sick man. Didn't really change anything but my attitude, but that was the key.
I think it takes some time to get the disease of alcoholism and stop taking his behavior personally. Surrendering is pretty difficult for me. I wanted to fix him and I couldn't.
We are as sick as they are (which is why we need a recovery program, too).
When I really got that, the compassion began to kick in- we are in so many ways in the exact same boat as they are. I am no better and I am no worse than he is.
I have my own disease and I need to work my own program, that is more than enough for me to focus on.
His drinking has nothing to do with not loving his family , he just dosent see it as a problem. and until he does it isn't bothering him i'ts bothering YOU . I hope u will try our program f2f real meetings u need support from people who have been whre your at and can share thier own experiences with you . If love could cure alcoholism there would be no need for treatment centers or AA . it can't . Get the focus back on you and forget how much he does or dosen't drink that is a usless exercise i am sure u could find better things to do with your time than count the beers he is drinking . good luck Louise
Your alcoholic is clueless on how to stop or control his drinking. He doesn't know and he is bargining with probably the most powerful disease known to man. What does it take for an alcoholic to stop drinking and seek help? We need to be willing and have the capacity to be honest about it. He is bargining for a deal that he will loose again. This disease is progressive and can only be arrested by total abstinence.
Even the woman who never admitted that she was alcoholic and started the moderation program finally admitted that she was powerless and got honest on national television telling the program host that she drank out of control and even into black outs while she was teaching other to drink in moderation.
Alcoholism is described as a compulsion of mind with an alergy of the body, that it is a progressive disease and that if the alcoholic were to have anytime alcohol free if they went back to drinking it would be worse than when they had stopped. The disease progresses even when the drinking stops. This is why many relapses end in death. You never go back to the first one, you go back to the last one. My real experience only.
Does he love his family? It's not a matter of love or a moral issue. This is an AMA (American Medical Association) classified primary disease. The alcohol owns him. He is bargining with that ownership. He is in a fight. Proof that he is concerned? That is his New Years resolution. He knows he has a problem otherwise he would not have made a resolution. People who struggle with weight do the same thing...pig out, struggle, make a resolution; over and over and over.
I am glad you are here. There are miracles to be had from working this awesome program whose 12 steps and 12 traditions are derived from AA's steps and traditions. Drunks get sober best in AA. They tell thousands of personal stories about trying to control, moderate or self recover without anyone elses help. All of those stories are not success stories.
I have a suggestion...stop wondering how and why he does or doesn't do or feel or see as you do and find out where the face to face Al-Anon Meetings are in your area and go. Keep and open mind. Listen to everything and everyone and then go back again and again until you have your own truthful answers.
Love has nothing to do with addiction. His addiction does not let him love his family. Only his drug of choice. None of this is your fault. He has a disease. He has to find his rock bottom (and it is not what you and I think it should be) and find his way out. Like the others have said, I strongly urge you to find some local f2f meetings. Once you start working your program, your life (believe it or not) will greatly improve. Alanon saves lives. It saved mine. Even when AH relapsed, once I "got it" I handled the situations much better. It greatly improved my life. Now I take these tools with me wherever I go. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Jerry F.--Thank you so very much for your comments. I know all this but I needed to see it again. I needed to hear it in different words and at this moment. My boyfriend has relapsed. I've been asking myself why he can't suspend his needs to meet mine. The answer of course is he is sick. Maybe he is playing me but he seems to be close to returning to AA. Our relationship is great when he is working his program. I've done pretty well at staying on track but I have a very long way to go and can still be in denial when I see clues. I have a lot of self doubt and a lot of self blame for anything that goes wrong in any area of my life. I'm an adult child of a deceased A. I'm hopefull that Alanon will get me past all the doubt and blame I put on myself. I need to get past the fearfulness that can come over me. I just found this forum. It's a great read. THanks to all.
