Feeling frustrated irritated and confused! - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling frustrated irritated and confused!

omajoy · Senior Member

Custody and visitation are the ugliest words in the language for families. On the one hand is the spouse who has had all the problems associated with the divorce situation...this one being you and the situation being alcoholism. You know what you have been through; you know the history of your A. Of course it is easier when he is incarcerated. You know he cannot get to you and that he cannot have much, if any, voice. On the other hand is the other one...this one being your A. He cannot be trusted right now (perhaps never) with his child. But that won't dismiss his feelings for his child. He is human somewhere down in his sickness. So somehow you will have to be the one taking the harder road and the higher road....figuring out how to do what is best for your son...the product of you and this A, the product of what was surely once upon a time Love. It is a terrible place to be.
Way up ahead is the future.... most posters here tell us to not dwell upon that; in this future, is this little boy all grown up. He may or may not have had his questions answered as to everything that has happened to him as a child....things over which he had absolutely no control, no say so, nothing. I have two cousins who, way back in the l940's, were little children, the offspring of an A. Their mother just divorced and took them away from him and the grandparents and the paternal familly. No one even knew where she was or what had happened. The grandparents died not knowing what had ever happened to their grandchildren. The A continued his destructive lifestyle until he was probably in his 50's; at that time, he got sober and underwent lifechanging things. His adult daughter tracked him down about 5 years prior to his death. The adult son, the brother, refused to ever see his father even with the sister begging him to do so. He even refused to come to the funeral. I don't know how these two are today or how it all worked out after their dad died; I just know the story is often told as part of the family history. Why tell this to you? I really don't know. I think what I am saying is, in this day and age of child protective laws and all, you could perhaps find some middle road with supervised visits and so on that would keep your son at least in contact. Contact appropriate for his age and as the years go by, at least you have taken the high road and tried. Wanting it to be easy is understandable. Unfortunately, it isn't and will never be unless he get a life sentence for something. Even then, you son will wonder and may want a relationship even IF he doesn't really talk to you about it. That is what I believe anyway. I pray you will eventually find peace and a way to get your freedom.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

Does the restraining order also make it mandatory that he can not see the children right now?

If so, March is still a month away. :)

I find that once I stray out of the moment right in front of me, I start heaping on emotions that I do NOT need like fear and anxiety.

I sometimes find it hard to find the answers because I am not being 'quiet' long enough to hear them.

I've also found that if I get back in the moment, and do what is in front of me, that often the answers will come when I least expect it. In effect, I have 'let go and let God' have the problems, and the answers do come.

I used to get up in the mornings and my brain was already 10 miles down the road before my feet ever hit the floor!

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

CG, what are you waiting for? Because I guareentee it will not happen. What do you want and what can you do about that? Here he is in charge of YOUR life AGAIN!!! Who cares what he does? It does not matter if he is in jail, in Europe, drunk or sober. It is NOT your responsibility to make him be a father. He's not going to be just because it would be easier for you or better for the kids. You are putting roadblocks in your own path! I know it is hard. I know. But where is CG who could care less what the ex-con is doing? Who cares if he ever finds sobriety? You can care, he is the father of your child, ofcourse you care. But your concern for him should not stop you from doing what is best for you and your kids. Don't fall for it! Let him FIGHT for his child. There is no court in this land that is going to look at you and at him and say he deserves anything but visitation. And then you go from there. Getting the legal stuff out of the way is just better for everyone. He will be required to pay support and ordered visitation. Out of your hands. The judge said so.

I am so sick of this He has rights because he is the father crap. How about they BEHAVE like fathers and then they get to be one. A father does not abandon their kid for drugs, other women, mental illness, depression, unemployment, a bad day, unclipped toenails, bad credit report, dented fender,hate for the mother. A FATHER is there for their child NO MATTER WHAT. Just like a mother. So, when a man decides to become a father and they want rights as a father they should behave as a father should.

CG, protect yourself and your child from this unstable, inconsistent man. Let him fight and PROVE to his son to whom he has caused irreversable damage in his short life thus far. Let him show his son (and you and the other kids) with his ACTIONS that he is changing and that his child is the most important person in his life. Give that gift to your child. Let his father be his father if that is what is meant to be. And if it's not, he has you, his strong, wonderful, loving mother whom he will be inspired by and whole because of.

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

One day at a time Carolinagirl. One day at a time. That is the only way I have managed so far and plan on managing it that way from here on out.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks I needed the laugh, unclipped toenails??? LMAO. I agree he should behave like a father. I guess my problem is how long is long enough? My issue with the divorce is that it will be cheap and easy if he's in jail, if not then its a lot more hassle for me. I think I will stick with the restraining order until march when it runs out (yes it includes our son) and we'll just see if he's still doing the same. He already has a child support order, we'll see if he pays. I don't see one as connected to the other really, I just don't want to jerk my son around! He is still too young to understand - Shoot, I'm still too young to understand LOL. The A doesn't have a car and visits would be short and at MY choice of location. We'll see how motivated he is and if he's really working the program or just working me as usual LOL.

-- Edited by carolinagirl at 12:13, 2008-01-31

Codependent · Senior Member

I often with my A would go back to jail. I say it is for his own good, but sometimes I wonder if it really is just for me- the consistency. I hope some day I will be able to function the same whether is in jail or out. I admire your level headedness. You may not see it. But in you, I see someone I admire.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, I am about 24 years ahead of you.

My son has said a million times, I don't care he is an addict, he is my dad and he could have still seen me and did things with me.

His father did not even try.

Being A from my experience means nothing to kids. All they see is things are not right.

They feel the pain of missing them, the pain of feeling like their own parent does not love them.

six is older than you realize. I worked at a gradeschool where kids talked about things. I mean little ones like yours. It was so interesting how they would voice how they felt or what was going on, and they all would ralley for the hurting student.

If I were you I would allow supervised visitation for a certain amount of time.

We cannot control what anothers life will be. We can teach our kids to love their parents no matter what, and teach them that they are loved by their parents.

In jail, not in jail, whatever, he is still this boys father. If your a has a sponsor, maybe he could help him how to talk to his son appropriately.Not making promises, staying to the moment, being honest, not sugar coating. being real.

I wish my A wanted to see our son. It still hurts my son and he is 31. He does not get why his father won't even call him. He does not care that he is A. He cannot control that. He accepts him as is.

My son is very secure, a hard worker, and more. His father will not influence him to be a bad person.

What makes you afraid for him to see his son? Sooner or later you won't be able to stop it anyway. I saw how an ex friend of mine talked her ex husband father of her three kids down. It was awful, with awful consequences.

Your son and his father will develope their own relationship. If you try to sabotage it, it will only make him resent you.

So in my experience, I made sure the a saw the kids at his mothers, she was pretty normal back then.

But when he caused a rage at our house one time,I got an R order.He knew when it was over, but chose not to even try to see his son.

He felt too guilty and too worthless to be around him. As usual thinking about himself, not the little boy who needed him.

The situation will be what ever it is. I feel it is up to us to support our kids to handle the world in the best way possible. Sadly there may be worse things in their lives, they will have to face.Also up to us to make the situations as safe as possible for them.

Hugs hon and I agree, you are doing very well. love,debilyn

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

The fear is fear that he will disappear with my son. I know that is probably totally unrealistic but if I don't have custody he has every right. As for supervised visitation, we don't have anyone here to supervise which is part of the problem. I don't think he will hurt him or be bad or inappropriate with him, I just don't want him around him if he's using. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he is or not. Although lately when he is he goes off the deep end and ends up in jail almost immediately. I'm just not sure if him seeing him some but being in and out of his life or not seeing him at all and my son having consistency is better. I dread having to parent with him for the next 14 years and then some. esp when my son gets older. My plan was to have him show up at a place and drop whoever wants to see him off with him for a few hours at first and hopefully build on that. IE the mall, movie theater, beach, etc... He wants to see him, I want to let him but I also want what's best for the kids. I feel so divided.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

CG, I have no ESH but I certainly feel sorry that you are in this predicament. I do not know what I would do. Its really really tough. I just want you to know that my best thoughts and prayers are with you- your HP will take care of you and your situation, pass it over to HP. Hugs galore, J.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

CG, I have no ESH but I certainly feel sorry that you are in this predicament. I do not know what I would do. Its really really tough. I just want you to know that my best thoughts and prayers are with you- your HP will take care of you and your situation, pass it over to HP. Hugs galore, J.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

"I think I will stick with the restraining order until march when it runs out (yes it includes our son) and we'll just see if he's still doing the same".

I think that is a wonderful idea. I recall being told lots of times to "watch the actions" because what comes out of their mouths is, well........you know.

The RO was put there for a reason and for a specific time. Maybe that was HP's time? Who knows?
March isn't forever. It's also a sufficient amount of time to sit back and watch.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha CG!!

I've got a sponsee that's going thru what you are going thru and handling it pretty well with the program. TRO just ended and now the phone keeps ringing off the hook with her calling. She's out of jail with another sentence or two hanging on the rack just outside the door. She got a job and is making or willing to make support payments and the older child is detached while the youngest one is waiting on her every move with baited breath. Very similar. Of course the sponsee is sorting thru it with the program quite well. The court won't do anything on visitation at the moment cause the TRO is dead and they should handle visitation and the CPS and all the other family and protective departments that have counseling and so on in divorce court. Sometimes he gets frustrated and handles that quite well cause he expects frustration from time to time. In the meantime he's got his life as a single parent, working father, program member, sponsee and lots of other stuff to. He does pretty well at deciding when to "respond" to her and not react to her. I know them both pretty well from over the past 8 years and she is a full blown type A addict with a wide resume of insane behaviours. With the program he is doing remarkably well.
He has dropped trying to control the outcome. He has tennative custody from the last (of many) TROs. He is not resistive to visitation and sets up conditions as to how it goes about without being restrictive. He has limited trust and that is perfect for the condition. He has his own life now and is still ready to move in the right direction for the children and himself with the help of his HP. His relationship with his HP and his working of the program seems to be his ongoing gratitude. We talk and then I stay out of the way. I detach from his program work and his exwife who by the way is also a friend of mine.

Keep coming back and stick with the suggestions. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F at 04:08, 2008-02-01

-- Edited by Jerry F at 04:10, 2008-02-01

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me trust is a huge issue. I did not know what to do when the a betrayed me on so many levels. I really needed to go to limited trust. I find that hard to do in a friendship let alone a relationship. For me its like I am in continual self doubt. Oh is this really true. I am at my best when I am definitie and certain. I hate to say this but right now I would not even trust the A to care for the dog, take it for a walk even. He proved to me over and over and over again that he could not be trusted on any simple task. Without trust its pretty difficult to get to anything much. I could speak to him but since everything he says is a lie there isn't much to speak about.

Maresie.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I'm a little late, but here are my thoughts. When I am really confused like you sound, I try to keep reminding myself that I do not have to make this decision right now. If I don't have an answer yet, it isn't time to decide. I remind myself to work on quieting that crazy comittee in my head that can't seem to shut up so I can hear HP whispering the answer to my problem or the right road to turn onto next.

Anyway that's my experience.

In recovery,

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