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hello all. i am relatively new here and i haven't really posted much. i am married to a recoverd A for seven years. we are in the process of getting a divorce. still living together, still doing some things together and still care for each other.
the issue is him. he has been sober for 19 years. but he has just exchanged his addictions. now he has an eating disorder. he just decided to get back into a serious commitment to AA ( has only gone sporadically the past few years) and he's doing the 90/90 right now. he never actually went thru the steps so he is doing it now. i'm happy for him. i know he's going to benefit greatly from it.
my question or issue. i feel like i'm dealing with a cult member. he is always preaching at me about the things he's found out. he tells me i'm an addict, that he thinks food is my addiction, and that i need to do the steps to get my life together. (i've gained some weight but mostly because of illness and the medications i have taken.) trust me, i am doing al-anon, i think the steps are wonderful and that any person in the world would benefit and i'm definately doing them. i thank god for this program and intend to use it to the fullest to help myself.
but today he told me i didn't know what was best for me. that my decision to buy a little house for me and my two dogs wasn't the best idea. that i should rent or go live with a friend until i found peace in myself. why is it that all of a sudden he is so much more equiped to know what is best for me than i am? is this a normal reaction for the A to have. to want to help and change the whole world? i believed the AA process was realizing that everyone had their own way. please help me understand cause i may just have to smack him if he keeps preaching at me!
thanks and thank you for reading my rambling post!
I know every time my A went to meetings suddenly he was on a high horse. He was better, could do everything better and knew better than anyone else. Sounds like that to me. They call what he's doing taking someone else's inventory and they discourage that in AA and Alanon. I think you probably know what is best for you and I would say it probably is normal for an A. And I'm a sugar addict, I'll admit it, I love food, sometimes I slip and eat some sugar! I'm on the Atkins diet, I'm working my issues MY way and it's nobody elses business and even if I chose not to that's my business too. I think we all hate being told what we SHOULD do! Everyone has addictions, everyone does something to excess, watch tv, play video games, computer, eat, smoke, something! Even exercise can bee an addiction so there is no judging others. Some addictions destroy lives and some build them. The idea is to choose the good ones and try to use moderation!
An alcoholic with good solid sobriety takes his/her own inventory, and doesn't take others'.
Remember that ego is a huge character defect, and just because he hasn't drank in 19 years doesn't mean that he is 'sober'. It sounds very much like he is 'dry'.
In pointing out what he feels is 'best' for you, and what you are doing wrong, he is effectively keeping the focus off of himself, which is where he needs to be if he is going to have any growth in his recovery.
Let it roll off your back like water off a duck! :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I have heard from A's that there is no such thing as a "recovered A". They will always have the disease and everyday they either are one day closer to a drink or one day father away. 19 years means nothing in a One Day At A Time program like AA.
So, as far as your question Does the recovered A always know best......NO.
Do they always know what is best ? for them maybe but he is doin a great job of taking your inventory . We have a rule in my house I don't get to take his inventory and he dosent take mine . 80% of the time that works , hehe and when it dosent i simply say thanks for pointing that out Iwill talk to my sponsor about that . end of conversation . it sure beats having an argument over some stupid thing like how well am I ? crap. . This damn disease does not stop with sobriety as u well know , do what is best for you keep the focus on yourself and your needs no point in trying to justify or explain your reasons for the things u do ,they have already made up thier mind that Your wrong . Another great argument stopper is You could be right . and leave the room again no point in arguing . Or I am sorry u feel that way , and leave the room .
Welcome donnarock! I'm sorry, but I actually giggled when I finished your post. Gosh that's just so typical of the A's I've known in my life! "Gee.....I've been going to meetings for x amount of time. Now I have the answers to everyone's problems.........and by the way.......no-one knows as much about AA and how to work a program more than I do!" oh yeh.....I've been around that. I'm just shaking my head.
You're a grown woman with your own program. Trust yourself. Trust yourself. Trust yourself. You know what's best for you. And if you're not quite sure yet, or you're still figuring it out.....please do so with someone without an agenda, or an axe to grind, or something to prove. A sponsor is good for this.
But it really sounds like you already know all of this. Hang in there - and keep coming back!
My husband is just finishing his 90/90 and we are just starting the divorce process. In what I believe to be deep-seeded guilt, he has sent me messages about "forgiving and letting go" (the day he sent divorce papers) and for me to "carry serenity, positivity and a smile on my face and heart"" (the day after we told our kids of the divorce). Blech! Oh, and he is going to pray for me. Big whoop. He also has been going out of his way to help my A brother who has not yet found a program. This would be all fine and well if he wasn't such a miserable person in body, mind and spirit. He attends AA religiously, but is working HIS program not THE program. I truly believe he is just trying to get the focus off himself.
I'm glad you are in program. You know what is best for you, remember that. If he keeps preaching, you may want to take one of the above suggestions of talking to a sponsor or just walking away.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Welcome to the MIP family. Sounds like he's in that "rose colored glasses stage" of AA. You know how it is when you first get into a program. You are so happy that you are starting to feel good again, that you feel the need to "spread the word". But it really does sound like he's taking your inventory. Sometimes it's better, IMHO to let him say what he has to say, and move on. I sometimes use the line: "Well that's your opinion and I'll take it into consideration." Be very business like. That way you are not shooting him down, but can diffuse the situation. It might work. Stay true to your program. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
