The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got news that my 18 year old niece is getting married in August. UGH, I feel flabbergasted!!
She is really young and immature and has barely one year of community college past high school. She just found out she did not get into the nursing program at the community college she is attending because her math grades were not good enough. She is a poor student.
It is hard because in her family (my sister's family) education for girls/women is not valued. It was not in my own family either and I have had to fight tooth and nail to get a decent education and see it as a key to personal financial freedom. These are MY values and they are not HERS or THEIRS!! why is it so hard for me to just shut up??!! I KNOW THIS IS NOT THEIR VALUES!!! no suprise! why do I expect anything different??!! its my disease talking/thinking!!
Her boyfriend is a marine and they want to get married before his next tour of duty. She is going to move onto the base after the wedding and before he is deployed. I just wish she would stay in school and wait. Of course the trauma and the drama of his potential death in Iraq really ups the ante and makes it all so much more DRAMATIC and like television, etc. so there they all go on the rollercoaster. I am going to pass on the "war is so romantic/dramatic" song and dance.
I am trying really hard to just shut up and not say anything about it to my sister and/or to her. I do not think its right for her to get married so young BUT NO ONE HAS ASKED ME WHAT MY OPINION IS!!!!!! Its really hard for me to just shut up and let HP take his course with her, with me, with whomever.
I need to accept that she is a poor student. I need to accept that she is going to be happy in a life like the one she is choosing. Its not my choice or my life and no one is asking for my opinions or permissions and that is just the truth of the situation. HP help to accept this (I get so tired of asking HP to help me accept things, lord, this life is so hard and relentless).
I cannot know what is best for her. I love her lots but she has her own life, she is 18 and she needs to do whatever she needs to do, right?! Its none of my business. Its her path, her pain, her joy. Its up to her. I need to stay focused on me and what I am doing. I need to assume the very best, not the worst.
Jean - I find it so hard too, to keep quiet when you see the full picture so completely and with so much perspective! But I know first hand that if anyone had told me that this love wasn't going to work or this marriage was a mistake or whatever.....then it wouldn't have mattered a hill of beans. They couldn't POSSIBLY understand this love. Right? And, p.s., I would always remember their words and fester some resentment towards them. Oh yeh.
Probably the best you can do is what you're doing - staying quiet and showing BY EXAMPLE that a woman can get a good education and be strong, whole, and complete - with or without a man. She may not need that lesson today or tomorrow or next year. But she may wake up at 35 or 45 and think what an awesome woman you are/were, and what a beacon of light you were for her. It may give her the strength she needs down the road.
My mother's BF's daughter's daughter (lol!) dropped out of high school. Got her GED and went on to the nursing school program. Dropped out of that and is now working at Taco Bell. I suppose she is happy with what she is doing right now. And when it was all going down, the "family" was begging ME (LOL) to talk to her, maybe she'd listen to me. My only real regret is that I dropped out of high school. My circumstances were different, but still. I thought the damage has already been done to this girl and there is nothing that I am going to say that will undo what has been done. I will not be able to share myself with her and have her magically be whole and live a "traditional" life.
When this girl was little she wanted to be a vet. Her mother said "Well, you'd better just set your sights on the nursing program cause you'll never have the grades get into vet school. Plus I can't afford for you to go to college." She was maybe 8 or 9 at the time. And just like her mother "predicted" she is NOT a vet. She drinks and does drugs and hates her mother but still stays in contact with her. It is pretty typical of that mentality. Everytime I heard her mother say negative things I always told this girl the oppisite. I filled her ears with sucsess stories.
I always told her she had choices and options and she didn't have to set her bar low. I also told her when she dropped out that it wasn't the end of the world and she could STILL do what she wanted to do. She can ALWAYS go back to school and in the meantime, till she's ready, she is having experiences and living HER life.
I didn't see where life was going to take me. I had 2 kids and a home that I owned and 2 minivans and 2 dogs and a husband by the time I was 26. Not where I thought I would be at 26 for sure. In fact, in my life plan I was dancing until I was 35 and then I would begin my retirement, get married and maybe adopt a child with my super rich husband. I turned 35 this year and my 3 kids (whom I had the regular way) live in a small village, my ex is a turd, I have NO money and I struggle everyday. I wouldn't change a thing. I did what I wanted to. I fell in love, I had babies, I loved my ex, I made my choices. I do not regret my choices. It is the way it is supposed to be.
I know it is hard to rejoice when you feel it is the wrong path. But, why not? Are her choices going to impact your life negatively? Is her getting married going to hurt you? Then why not just be happy? Join in on the romantic/dramatic! You can still tell her that her life isn't over, because it isn't. Just another chapter. You can still tell her how much your education has meant to you. How much you enjoy being self suficient and finacially independent. She will still hear you. Just because she is making her own choices doesn't mean she can't hear you. Might take her awhile to process it, but the seed will be there.
Well I am sure she can go to nursing at some other point in her life. Maybe she can get a job as a nursing assistant and work her way through that. I wanted only one thing when I was 18 to get married to get away from my family. I left home to go live with a boyfriend and I am always glad I did that, dysfunctional or not he was a way out. I don't know that anyone can know what's best for us. I get flabbergasted I have to say when people tell me I have choices because so much of my life has felt absolutely choiceless. maresie.
I am actually feeling/experiencing ALOT of relief since I passed this one on to HP- its not my life, thank god! She is not my daughter, she is my niece and there is a difference. Of course, I just want her to be happy, that is all I ever wanted for her. A part of me does rejoice and will continue to but I have washed my hands of it.
And nope, serendipity, I will not get onto the romance/trauma/drama/war rollercoaster- she and her mom and dad can do that on their own!! My serenity is worth WAAYY too much to hop on that bus! J.
Jean...so you do know the answer to your question why!! You said it in your post...." I love her lots". Don't stop caring and loving!! That would be against your nature. No it's not your business it's your worth and value to share you experience strenght and hope with others even your niece without the expectation of their change just the hope that they can use it to increase the value of their own lives. I share with others without expectation and therefore without control. They can take what they like and leave the rest or take nothing at all. Still we will remain in love....always love.
(((((hugs)))))
You can always try HP. (OMG you already have...great job!!)
I will say a prayer HP helps you with this. I know how you feel when being presented with a situation like this. It seemed obvious to me that someone is not making the wisest decision.
Through this program and listening to others I have come to realize that there are people who don't have much and are the happiest, simplest people on the planet.....this I have thought long and hard about. I thought once I get this or get that, then I will be happy. Nope! It didn't matter. I think back to my aunt and uncle. They met when they were 15 and got married very young. They were married 40 years before she passed away. They were the very best of friends. You just never know what can happen.
((((Jean)))), That is something I struggle with at times.
I try and carry alanon with me everywhere I go and for me that means not giving advice. Even when I can see what I percieve as a mistake. I need to remember that I only know what is best for me.
Good that you turned her over to HP. Who knows this may turn out well after all.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
School will always be there. I know I bumped around until I was about 24 trying to figure stuff out. Married a navy guy, divorce him, lived with a few others, was homeless, had a baby and then finally, FINALLY I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself and went back to school. Luckily you could still go to school when you were on welfare back then, now you have to go put in your 40 hours at mcdonalds for the rest of your life. I would be at mcdonalds myself if it weren't for getting the education when I did. She'll wake up at some point. Eventually being poor gets old! You can just be a good role model and friend and listen to her, someday she'll seek out your advice.
Oh Jean, I can so relate! My situation is with the almost 20 year old daughter I still have at home now.
The hardest thing for me to do is keep my mouth shut and let her learn from her own experiences, both good and bad.
She's stuck with low-paying jobs right now because she's been enrolled in two online classes since January of 2007! She can still get her high school diploma because she didn't quit school-she just didn't have enough credits to graduate with her class. She's stalled out on those classes for months now.
None of the better paying employers will hire without a diploma or GED.
She seems to be stuck in stupid mode, and it's maddening!
She had 31 days to sign up for health insurance at her new job (Pizza Hut-delivery driver) and initially I kept reminding her about that.
I got tired of telling her, and reminded myself I am not her babysitter.
She missed the deadline by 2 days, and can't apply for health insurance now until December.
I say the serenity prayer a lot these days!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Thank you all for your ESH. I am doing a lot better. I brought it up in one of my meetings last night and got some good feedback. I love her and she will be just fine. My disease wants to control and give advice and I just need to gently look at why that part of me is making so much noise. It goes back to step one. I need to admit I am powerless over my niece and her life. I cannot protect her from the pain and sorrows. I know I must respect her choices and just love her through it all to the best of my ability. That is what love is- not interfering and telling her what I think.
So, now I just sit quietly and take a look at ME and why I am feeling this way, not her. Gee, what a great program! J.
Just gotta say...I love ya, Jean! I got a little chuckle cuz I do the exact same thing! Can't shut up when I believe I know what's best for someone, especially someone I love. I am learning though.
I think I finally surrendered when my very intelligent daughter signed with the Army last year. Quit college after 3 years. Started dating her drill sargent and now he is deploying soon. (So much drama in her life!) I also advised against her preference for hanging out with male friends over female. One night, she was raped by someone she thought was a friend. Do you think she would do things differently after that? No. How powerless I am!!! The more I said, the more unmanageable my life had become because she simply does not agree with me.
I love my daughter. But I now practice detaching from her to keep my sanity. SHE IS ON HER OWN JOURNEY AND I AM NOT INVITED!! I accept that now. She has her own Higher Power. (Actually, she claims to be an athiest. I keep telling her, "there are no athiests on a sinking ship!" Of course I do! Cuz I'm sick and can't keep my mouth shut!!!)
I am inspired that you handed it over to HP. That's the goal. I am grateful for your post. And, I love that you are part of this family!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
HP helps you with this. I know how you feel when being presented with a situation like this. It seemed obvious to me that someone is not making the wisest decision. 