The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...feel I HAVE taken one step forward and ended up ten steps backward.
...feeling that the last four months have been a too much too fast.
...thinking that I no longer know what I believe.
...hoping that I have been able to give something back for the love and concern and support that I have received.
...felt that I should quit because I cannot handle the pain any more.
...my sponsor would probably state some of the previous advice, DON'T REACT, POST, ASK QUESTIONS, READ OTHERS.
That was before I knew what I know now, I received a pm that took my breathe away. Someone went the extra mile, and it has made me STOP IN MY TRACKS.
Just for today, I will NOT quit. That is all I can promise for ME tonight; I cannot promise anything for anyone else. How selfish is that? I am sorry I have got to being so selfish that I cannot cope with thinking outside of me, and that scares me. And if that is what I have become whilst working this programme then I do not like it or myself.
Not blaming the programme or this wonderful family: simply trying to look at me and where I am and what I appear to me to have become. SELF CENTRED. Utterly confused.
Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
((((((((((((((heartbroken)))))))))))))))) Be gentle with yourself. We all have a right to be here...on the board...in this program...on this earth! You are a valued member of all of those places/things. No one is perfect. We are all at different stages of our recovery. Give yourself the space you need to act, not react. I hope in the end you will decide that quiting isn't the answer for you.
HB regardless of what you do/do not do, HP loves you unconditionally. I, for one, wish you nothing but the best and thank you for your words here, they have been so helpful to me whether they were directed at me or not. I, too, struggle with whether to stay or leave from this board but we are completely and utterly free to choose and that is incredibly beautiful! I just want to say thank you and all the best to you regardless of your path- Hugs, J.
I can guarantee that if u quit now and stuff the pain one more time it will come back it always does until we take care of the problem . somedays reality really does suck but there are no suprises when we live in reality , we may not like what we see , we don't have to agree with or condone it we just need to recognise that we cannot change it ,again only thing we can change is ourselves and our attitude about what is going on around us . Self discovery is not easy , this is a simple program but never confuse it with easy . And i think u do give back every time u come and share where your at . so don't stop now hang on to that sponsor and walk thru the pain only then will it loose it's power over your life and u can move on to become the person u want to be . good luck Louise
Ya know Heartbroken, that is one of the best things I have found about this program. No matter where I am, what I say, I am still loved. And when I have been at my most miserable self, I have still been loved. Some of the things I say outloud at my f2f meetings and even here on this board, some of the anger at this program that I have expressed seems that I should have been kicked out or run away. But I kept comming and I was still loved! Incredible! Just the way I am! Going thru this process I have uncovered so many layers of myself and many were not what I expected. But I kept comming and these people loved me until I could love myself. Just keep comming, Heartbroken.
You call me sister, I am honored and humbled by that. Each one of us here fill a very unique place. It is like a bees honey combs, they all go together. All have a purpose,all hold each other in place.
Life is a zig zag up. We all fall back. You know I just got over a horrible episode of depression. there are times I feel I should just disappear too. But have learned not to.
Good friends do not expect us to be a certain way. They accept us as is and love us as is.
Sounds like something or someone scared you? Maybe, maybe not just reads like that to me. I was and still to some degree am fear based and from that earned the nick name "Lone Ranger" in my family of orgin.
In this family I have learned that fear is just an emotion. It cannot kill me and the opposite of it is faith. No matter what happens I'm okay and gonna still be okay.
I learned that words are just words and not to give them power over me or my spirit. They are just words and then the program gave me the grace to "take what I like....and leave the rest." I can acknowledge what other say with maybe and maybe not and respond with "I'll check that out" or "Could you be wrong." Today words dont hurt me. My self awareness and esteem won't let that happen again where as my past allowed it to happen all the time and even to join in with my own "put-downers". Victims of the disease of alcoholism/addiction are past masters at self degredation and destruction. The disease beats us up and then hands us the whip, club or bat to continue our own beating as it walks away. I relapse into that from time to rare time and it amazes me when I treat myself negatively without self love. If I can't love myself I can't love anyone else.
It was a miracle to me to learn how to allow myself to make mistakes or take one step forward and 10 back. The rules of recovery are not so ridgid or black and white that they remove from me the opportunity of being wrong and learning from it; especially learn how to treat myself gently. To me that is one of the miracles of this program; that I can make a mistake or messup and not use the whip, club or bat but use self hug and understanding with compassion. God that is how I like to treat the alcoholic and others why not myself? I need to understand the whynot.
I needed to learn that the reason I relate(d) to most all others in Al-Anon and AA is because we come from the same brokeness and share similar experiences and that levels the playing field...We are all similar in more respects than not. No one is a greater authority than anyone else and as the traditions state; We have no leaders!! Imagine an organization this universal, made up of members who come from all over the world and speak many diverse languages and have many diverse cultures all coming from the wreckage of alcoholism or drug addiction accomplishing as much recovery as they do without leaders!! No presidents, vice-presidents corporate structure or the like and with only a willing adherence to personal 12 steps and group 12 traditions. If you have not familiarized yourself with the Steps and Traditions and you stick around I would suggest that you give it a try soon.
Miracles in Progress does open the door to miracles in our lives. The tap root of it is the 12steps and 12traditions of recovery from the recovery groups that are available thru the site.
10 steps back is just 10 steps. Quitting is more than a mile with enough time in between to forget what was freely given to you and at times worked. Maybe you need to get more before you give more. That's okay. Take a look at it and if you find that makes sense come get more and don't worry about giving away what you might not have enough of to keep for yourself. That was a suggestion made to me and then I let everything lay and attended meetings to get what I didn't have or know before sharing that with others and not having to share stuff that didn't work from outside the program.
You have been told by others that you belong within this group and are supportive of it and the efforts of others. To me that is a validation worth considering unless you are a skeptic about the affirmations others give you. Maybe you don't believe your worth or maybe Miracles is "too much too soon and all at one time." I know that I became overwhelmed at all the stuff that was there for me to take or leave when I came into Al-Anon and then the option to take what I liked and leave the rest was permission to stay. I backed off and stayed. I stayed and listened and learned and practiced. I stayed and watched others grow and I took for myself what they did and found my life would change if I did what they did and not what I was compulsed to do...and then I felt the change happening or what we also call the "miracle" of recovery.
Whether you leave or you stay is your choice. We let each other (just like the alcoholic) have our choices. We learn to detach from the alcoholic and the consequences of their choice as much as we learn to do that very same thing with each other. We learn to love and let go and let God all at the very same time. Force doesn't work...love works. You can leave at anytime for what ever reason you care to use. Your support has been appreciated and just like with others who we haven't heard from for a while we will ask each other, "Do you know how so and so is doing? I miss her." You are and will continue to be wished the very best that HP can ever have for HP's creation mainly because in this program we learn to replace anger and resentment with acceptance and forgiveness and mostly unconditional love.
For me I am grateful for your participation it has helped me to remember what I have learned from others and to inventory myself as to am I continuing to do that in my life today. I have no deeper gratitude than for the people my HP has placed into my life and helped to arrive at the serenity I now have in my life. So Mahalo Nui!! thank you much. God Bless you beyound your wildest dreams. ((((hugs))))
Well, HB, I am a little selfish myself. What will I do without you here? Whether you believe it or not, you have become a shining light for me. I enjoy your intelligence, your wit, your charm, and your ability to understand.
If you go away I will hunt you down and beat you up!!! Now doesn't THAT make you want to stick with us and the "programme?" As they say, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. LOL!! Forgive me for making light of your situation, but if I made you smile, it was worth it.
I am thinking of you this evening with much caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your posts have been very helpful to me. I for one am very glad you are a part of this family. I will be praying that HP will continue to keep you in his care. You are a very special person, and a very special part of this family.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I have found your ESH very helpful with my daughter and have tried to use it. Sometimes it works and sometimes I just can't get myself under control :)
HB, I hope you won't quit. I, too, received several posts recently that may change my life or at least gave me hope that I am not too sick to recover. I hate to think of missing out on those as I continue to learn and I hate to think of missing out on you.
I don't know what the PM was about that upset you, but whatever it was...one person's perspective/opinion isn't "law". You had many responses to your post. Focus on the multitude of people that answered you. Not the one that "stopped you in your tracks".
Funny how if there is 100 people cheering us on and one of those people call you a failure, we will focus on that one person's words instead of the other 99 that are cheering us on.
You ever hear the saying "there's no need to blow out someone elses candle to make yours appear brighter"?
It sounds like someone tried to blow your candle out.
Here's a match, light yourself up again and shine on.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My feeling about your post is that the disease would LOVE to bring a halt to your recovery. The disease wants to kill us!!! Just as the alcoholic fights his drinking problem, we fight our thinking problem. I have relapsed several times since coming to al-anon 18 months ago. Ultimately, I believe the only problem we ever really have... is our separation from HP.
So, I am grateful that you have decided to stay and continue to fight the disease. Praise HP!
Love in Recovery, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you for your responses, your honesty, your gems of wisdom.
Yep, my candle was blown out, and I did NOT have the matches to re-lit it. I sure do now, and I have placed my candle in a storm lamp too for further security.
That's not to say it may not be blown out again, but it will be harder to do so and I now know where the matches are.
Shaken, but not stirred to leave, maybe never to leave, who knows?
That's in the future and I can only make one decision for today. And this is it.
Heart[B]
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
