The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am working really hard on keeping my emotions level - not falling to putty when AH is husband of the week and not blowing smoke out of my ears when he pulls the latest stunt. Detachment has been essential. For someone, like my AH, who is used to being the focus of attention, this is killing him. He's angry at me for not openly communicating. Our discussions have been very surface level. My lack of communication has to do with my self-protection. In the midst of our chaos - I have communicated that I couldn't take it anymore - he stormed out with a bag full of stuff. After much "coercion" when things were really, really awful and I was contemplating divorce hourly I told him that I didn't love him as much as I used to. A big blow up. Again, when pressed for communication I was honest and I told him I didn't feel comfortable being intimate until things leveled out - he yelled at me and said that I was destroying our marriage. Mind you, he reminds me at least weekly how these three statements swirl over and over his head and he can't get rid of them, yet he is pushing for more communication when all I have to offer is more that he doesn't want to hear. Funny, how I am pushed to forgive and forgive time and time again yet he cannot do it even once even though he apparently understands why I said what I said. I don't take any of it back. I hate the fact that we really can't talk anymore. Though I am proud of my own recovery, it is sad to watch us unravel. What do I tell him when he pushes yet again to communicate?
You make a good point about detaching not only from the bad but the good and not having your emotions tied to his mood. I know that's difficult. Especially when he's being nice and good, that's when they win us back and make us forget all the transgressions. It took me a long time to see that as the manipulation that it was. The saying say what you mean but don't say it mean comes to mind here. I'm not sure what you're saying or if it's mean or not. Sometimes the truth stings but if it's not intended to be hurtful or mean but just honest then it is what it is. I understand about communicating what they don't want to hear too. I'm dealing with that right now.
Anyone married to an AH has plenty of ammo to be mean if s/he wants to be. I am not nasty, though I have had enough anger it wouldn't have been hard to "let him have it." These were heartfelt honest comments said in order to enable healing. Maybe if he had a clue to how his disease has affected us, his apology could facilitate my forgiveness. But instead he has turned it on me -- "the deflection of negativity" has someone called it. I will be the reason our marriage breaks up.
His tantrums are normal. All of a sudden he is losing control. The manipulation is no longer working. In some cases it is the beginning of the end on the way to hitting bottom. Many times when we use the Alanon tools the alcoholic feels as if they are losing ground. They feel off kilter and a out of control of the situation (like we have so many times).
It can cause them to have an epiphany. To take a look at what they are doing and what they really need to do for themselves. On the other hand, if nothing changes it can show you what you need too. Either way changes will take place. They may not be what you imagined but they will become clearer so you can make the best choice for you.
His claim that you are destroying the marriage is his denial at work. It seems his definition of destroying the marriage really means not being a doormat to his alcoholism anymore. It's all a wake up call for him. Whether he wakes up or not is up to him.
Hang in there and continue to be true to yourself. This is one of those cases when "what he thinks of you is none of your business". You know you can't take what he says to heart. He would much rather blame you then look in the mirror for the problem.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you. I appreciate both of your wisdom and ESH. It also becoming clear that he is unable to self-reflect. The problems are much deeper than addiction. As I look back to the 15 years that I have known him (chemically dependent or not) he has never looked back on something wrong that he did, not just to me but to others, and said "I really screwed up." It has always been easier to blame the other party or find anyway possible to justify his actions. That's the way his family works. I'll be d*&%ed if my daughters are going to grow up with the same attitude. He has had so many "wake-up" calls. The changes are superficial, just enough to "shut me up." For me, what has been the worst year of my life has also provided the most clarity. Thank you for the support. As all of us here know, staying true to ourselves can be such a challenge. The bad days are fewer and far between.
Yes you can communicate while detached. What about and how, how long and when is very important. It is really good to have rules of communication also after all you are not detaching from a healthy, normal, fully engaged in reality person and might not be there yourself. A pre-inventory of my intentions, plans and the consequences I am looking for is also necessary for me. "Why am I wanting to do this with someone I am at odds with?" is a good question to ask before proceeding. It's important to communicate while detached because detachment is not abandonment or a definitive statement that "you suck" to the alcoholic. Detatchment might be an "I don't understand how to play this game" statement and "I am timing out until I learn the game and it's rules."
Wow. I could have writen your post. It has been almost a year now since I learned about detachment and I have to say that it has been a life saver for me. My AH pressures me to have those 'We need to discuss our future together' conversations quite regularly. I used to engage in those conversations with him and be honest about my feelings only to have them do more damage than good. He would twist eveything I said into something that I didn't mean and it would just leave me with my head swimming, wondering if I said it the wrong way or was I too harsh, etc.
Bottom line is that he is just not capable of handling my thoughts and feelings. He is not really trying to find anything out about me or us, he is only worried about himself. He only wants to hear me say, 'You continue doing whatever you want to do, honey, I'll be your doormat forever.'
