The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi roommates. I read the messageboards with fear in my heart for the future, and sadness for those suffering like me all because we love someone who drinks? I feel Like a dumb animal looking down the barrell of a gun. I can't get the guts to leave him, don't know if I want to or should, if I'm just in a bad mood today, or is today yesterday or tomorrow....? I have good days but I have not overcome to the point that I have a good day when he is drinking. I always end up like this when he's drinking. When I read the boards about children coming home drunk at 15 I think, I've got 3 more years. My son is 12, we eat dinner alone while my husband has his daily session outside. A few times a month, they do things together and for my A, that's a big deal. The rest of the time, my son just has a hazy figure(father) in the background lying on the lounge. Some days he graces us with his presence at dinner and spends the odd day sober. I must be mad to put up with this lifestyle, why do I ? I go to f2f weekly and it is great but I think I am trying to solve a problem that is solvable. Alcoholism is not a problem you can solve. I have to get well, that's all there is. I feel that it is impossible for me to get well and become sane living with him. But for some reason I cannot tear myself away.. I hate it.... I hate this so much... May God help us all. "My tears have been my food both day and night"
It sounds as though you are doing your best. That is all we can ask of ourselves.
I encourage you to go to f2f meetings, for you seem to benefit from them. Your answers will come in time. I realize how difficult it is to be so indecisive - to not know what to do. I was there once for many years. I made it; you can too!
I encourage you to continue to provide as much stablity as you can for you and your son, such as having meals together. At least your son has a good mother figure.
I understand how it feels to not have your husband step up to the plate. I have two grown sons; the majority of their childhood, especially their teen years, they saw their father drunk too, too much. He was not there for them, either. It hurt like hell to see them witness their father's behaviors.
However, we all came through the craziness. Our sons, in their early thirites now, have a great relationship with their father. (My husband has been in recovery since Aug. 2007). I never, ever thought it was possible. So, see, miracles do happen. They began to happen when I stopped trying to control his drinking and began taking control of my life.
Please continue to reach out when in need. We are all here for you. Stormie
Your son is not doomed to be an alcoholic. Yes, he has his father's genes, but he has yours too. And, yes, he's grown up in this mess, but you're working a program, and can show him healthier ways to deal with life's problems. I don't know if you have alateen where you are - we don't, it's a very small town, but one of our f2f members brings her 11 year old to meetings now and then, he participates and really seems to get something out of it.
My own kids are 18 and 16 now - their dad sobered up when they were 11 and 13. For us, his sobering up came out of the blue - I didn't see any signs he was going that way, for all I knew he intended to go on drinking forever. Then, he got caught drinking at work, they gave him the chance of rehab or the highway, and he grabbed rehab. I never would have thought he'd make that choice, and never would have thought he'd make a success of sobriety, but he did.
However, through the use of alanon tools, the kids and I had not been riding the roller coaster with him for several years before it happened. His sobering up was a wonderful miracle, but we were OK without it. Some people are able to do this within the marriage, some do better on their own. This program does not promise to sae your marriage, but it can save you. Welcome to MIP.
I am hoping that the fact that I moved my kids away and they know it is because of drugs/alcohol that they will not become that. They have seen the havoc it wreaks. I talk to them about it frequently why they never want to drink.... That's my motto... and this is why you never want to drink...LOL. I am not sure how much is nature and how much it nurture but I don't keep anything but wine in the house and it sits for months and months. If it's nurture then none of them will be drinkers!
Thankyou all for your care and support. I just don't know what I would do with Alanon. There is nothing like it in all the world. I only hope I can give as much back as what I have received....thankyou so much.
Wow Silver....I could of wrote that!! I also have a 12 year old son whom (like carolinagirl) I am constantly saying "this is why you don't ever want to drink", I don't want my future DIL or SIL to go through this. Or for that matter...I believe I married my father so I pray that the cycle stops with my daughter so she doesn't go through this. I ask AH that sometimes "do you want your daughter to marry someone like you?" and he is quick to say "NO!", but he does not set a different example for her. For the most part he's a good father....and is active in their lives, that's what makes it hard for me to leave.
I know that, for now, the only thing I can do is set the best example I can for my children and pray that they follow my path.
