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Have worked as hard as I know how on detachment from my son's alcohol binges and subsequent bouts of depression at his failure at sobriety. The past ten days have been awful. His new knowledge of his EX having her lover move into the former family home with his son just broke him into a million little pieces. Even newer knowledge is that this guy she is now with was part of her life prior to the divorce (grounds of which were my son's alcohol use). So the grounds were flawed a bit; certainly flawed enough that he should not have the visitation problems he has had for nearly two years. The alcohol never played a role with his son, in other words.
Now he is having huge emotional problems just trying to cope with everything. This morning he called me at 6:30 AM....he couldn't go to work as he was crying and sick. He had not been drinking he said since early weekend. But he was definitely in a world of trouble. I was very worried. Tried to detach and get him to get himself to a meeting. He hasn't done much on his own to help himself. After over an hour of back and forth talking, I finally called him back and asked him if I could try to get him a counselor's appointment today. Would he go? Would he be willing to commit to getting individual help for himself? He agreed. I finally got an appointment with someone I had seen previously and he had that meeting about two hours ago. He called me to say it had helped and he was going to see the counselor again, that he was going to go to AA, that he had committed to a 90 day program with the counselor to try and get his mind back together. Was I mistaken to intervene here? Am I wrong to help financially to see this happen? You know, you can just sit back and keep waiting for something to happen with your loved ones OR you can try to help something to happen. But I grow confused as to whether I am just once again joining in to fix something that cannot be fixed. Any ideas?
And by the way, life continues to be nasty nasty with my EXDIL and me. She is using me three times this week to keep the grandchild. She says it is work-related. But now that she is living openly with her new man and the baby is calling him by name in front of us and his own Daddy, the situation is even worse. I will probably be returning to the counselor myself. This guy told me in Feburary of 2006 to get myself OUT of the middle of their mess....I told him today I had not taken his advice and look where it had gotten me. He told me today "you look as if you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders" Well yes, that is how it feels.
If you don't think you're doing anything wrong then you're probably not doing anything wrong. I don't see you paying for your son's counseling as enabling as long as you don't get vested in the outcome. It may work it may not but either way you are satisfied that you are doing what is right for you? That attitude is good, if he goes and fails or quits and you are resentful that you paid for it, not so good. I think that you are trying to help your son, we all try to help I don't see this as a way of helping that is "rescuing" or helping him stay in his disease. I would definitely have some sort of plan as to how he will eventually pay for counseling on his own or some way he can reimburse you with work around your house or something.
As for her, she is moving on with her life. Sounds asif she moved on before he was even gone which in most states is cause for fault and could land her paying alimony, etc. I know here you can sue the guy she was sleeping with for alienation of affection and make him pay too! You are still getting time with your granchild and I would just be happy with the time I get. I know you love him so try not to let your feelings for her cloud that. Just let him know that you love him and are there for him. Try to let go of resentments about her other man, we have to take things as they come at us and it is what it is. No amount of you resenting him or her is going to change it, that can only make the situation more tense and damage the relationship with your grandchild. It is your son's duty to get on with HIS life and it sounds like he might need to get a lawyer and FIGHT for joint custody. Is the divorce final? If so I don't think there's much he can do with the whole adultery thing, but he can always go back and revisit custody.
Reread the bottom of your post regarding telling your counselor that that you have not done what was suggested. Reread his response about the weight of the world and your qualification of that in your life. It will continue as you continue. "What goes around...comes around". An increase of faith and trust in what others see and suggest to me is primary to my recovery. I cannot do this thing alone.
It's great that you keep coming back. Some of the changes may seem small and still they are there.
Oma, I think just the fact that you are not running blindly is a good thing. You are asking questions of yourself and others.
I do not know whether you should pay for his counseling. Some guidelines I have for money are to ask myself: Can I afford it? Will I be invested in the outcome or can I detach? In other words, I don't think its right for me to go into debt or jeopardize my savings/retirement for someone else. Also it is not right for me to use something like this to try to control the situation or try to force someone to do something/hold it over their head later. And one other thing is that I never, ever lend money (or anything else) that I can't afford to lose. I have no control over whether someone will ever pay it back, esp an A.
So there are a couple mre things to think about. As for the dil she is human and has obviously made mistakes, but she has every right to move on with her life.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I don't think it's wrong to help your son with this. If he had any other disease, would you not help him find competent medical care? Would you not help him pay for that care if it were helping him? I believe most parents would.
My AH suffers from depression and anxiety, and even though we're divorcing, I still care what happens to him. He is my children's father and if paying for generic psych meds when he didn't have insurance helps him stay sober, it's worth it.
As others have said, your ex-DIL has every right to move on with her life. If your son is capable of caring for his son, it's up to him to fight for joint custody. I allow my kids to see their dad as long as he's sober, but I have sole custody. He's not capable of caring for himself - let alone three young children -- when he's drinking.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Keep trying to take care of you.
