The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all, it has been a while since I have been around, but that is my fault and believe me when I say I have paid the price. LOL... I have missed you all horribly; I am still attending my F2F meetings, but this place has been a God send between my meetings! Thanks to you all!!
So here is an update on what has been happening in my life and any thoughts would be much appreicated. My AH is still very much the active drinker, for a while he slowed down, but then the lies started again and then money starts coming up missing. I'm at the point now that I don't expect anything less from him. Why think that he would change? I would like to think that I have been fairly good at detaching from the situation when it gets out of control and beyond my control, I'm just not willing or wanting to go on with the fight any longer; which has created a whole new set of problems with my AH. But that is neither here nor there right now. I find myself very angry at him, almost in a vendictive kind of way; but I've not acted on my thoughts or feelings, instead I just keep rereading step 1, 2, & 3 over and over again.
The biggest problem I am finding is with myself....feeling sorry for myself....questioning the reason why I am still married to this man, what is the purpose and why is it that I feel this way. I have found myself repeating some of my old patterns and not liking it all!! Of course that is when I find something else to focus on whether that be reading, crafting, or whatever. Guess it is just a lingering thought that will take time to dissolve.
Well as always, thanks for listening to me and it is great to be back! Charity
The biggest problem I am finding is with myself....feeling sorry for myself....questioning the reason why I am still married to this man, what is the purpose and why is it that I feel this way. I have found myself repeating some of my old patterns and not liking it all!!........................Guess it is just a lingering thought that will take time to dissolve.
Charity, no one here can give you any answers to your questionings, but you will find people finding your feelings resonating with their own experience of their feelings in this mad mad world of alcoholism...and dependants.
Yes it will take time to sink in and it will take time for you to work through those feelings and in time you will find answers.
Keep on coming back. In the meantime, read all you can, and increase your awareness of the symptons, the reactions, the why and wherefore's of this behaviour and check out the cause and effect of this disease on YOU.
This means adopting a programme of recovery that you feel able to walk with and take one day at a time, working the 12 steps to recovery. Reading the first three steps is great, read them and read them and read them until you KNOW THEM IN YOUR HEART, and when you KNOW THEM IN YOUR HEART you WILL begin to apply them and you will take the first step to your own recovery.
It will be like taking the first step of the rest of your (dare I say it?) NEW life. A life that changes YOU for YOU within YOU and by YOU.
And remember this family will always be here to listen, and share and hug and support you on your journey.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I did a lot of beating myself up. I can still go there. It takes as long as it takes. Obviously no one just walks out of a marriage do they? Personally it took me over 7 years to go. I paid a price for walking but I paid a price for staying. The key for me was to come here often.
Reads like recoverys been working well for you. In Al-Anon for years we didn't get chips because we were always relapsing while the alcoholic got a chip for every year they didn't drink. LOL if it were only about not drinking heh!!
One thing I learned from my sponsor that was very helpful was that as I changed for the better (non-enabling behavior) my alcoholic would have a reaction. The reaction was HERs and the change was MINE. Her reaction told me that my program was in gear and the easy on my brain, mind, heart, body, spirit and emotions and lots of other me things was an indication that what I was doing was positive.
Trust you changes. They sound like they have worked for you. If anger is making me sick I get into acceptance. They are polar opposites and you can't feel anger at the same time as acceptance. In acceptance I can think more clearly about options....lots of options and alternatives. I can go wild with options and alternatives before arriving at something "useful and appropriate" for this "one day at a time".
