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The saga continues. I went out with friends last night, got home at 1:12 am. While I was gone, my AH who HATES me and wants a divorce, and who hasn't touched, held, kissed, me in 4 weeks, and we haven't been "man and wife" for almost 2 months...called me about 8 times between 9 and 1. And sent 6 text messages. He was waiting up with every light on in the house when I pulled up. He Started screaming. He slept on the couch. I was up way before him this morning as I am going to get to babysit my 2 month old granddaughter. I took a shower, he got up and just left, didn't say a word. I got on the computer, and he had left an email open that I had written to his mother, and at the top of it he had written "Mom, it is 2 o'clock and I am at home, and Becky is still out!" It was a few minutes after 1, according to the email time. After all these years, I finally get a life, and he doesn't like it. Doesn't like it at all. He would prefer to see me heartbroken, crying, aching. Broken. Acting hysterically. Well, I'm not going to do it anymore. I have cried enough tears. And I think it scares him. He doesn't know what to think. Never mind that before we moved in right across the street from his favorite A buddy, he used to stay out all night, run around in bars. Even caught him in bed with another girl, years ago, before we got married. But now I'm the bad guy. Not. I am just trying to survive. The only way I can get over the grief of the loss of my husband (the man he used to be) is to detach. And I do it with love, most of the time. Because I know a part of me still loves him, but I feel like I am living with a stranger. And the stronger I become, I feel the more dangerous he becomes. He keeps upping the stakes. We have barely spoken 10 sentences in 4 weeks. All day yesterday we didn't talk because he blew up and said awful things to me Friday night...for hours. He never has said he was sorry for anything. He never does. I saw my guy friend last night, and he was glad to see me. We have fun and talk and laugh. He is an old friend, we go back years. We used to be lovers, but I don't think either one of us is looking for that now. We do have fun dancing together though. He is a sweetheart. Being in his presence is healing for me. He makes me remember how I used to be. The girl who had lots of friends, who liked to go places, do things, have fun. Laugh. I am trying to find my way back from the brink of insanity.
So much of this story is mine. All the crazy behavior kicked up when I told AH I couldn't take it anymore. It lasted for a good two months. I kept my distance, went to therapy, and enjoyed the things in life that I used to like to do before AH - visits with friends and family, trips to off-the-beaten track places with DDs. The better I felt about me, the more boundaries I enforced, the more I stood up for up myself, it fueled his anger towards me. It takes two to argue and I stopped sitting there and listening to him complain about me and blame me for all of our problems. We went to therapy together, which was pointless. I started to realize the problems were much larger than a chemical addiction. Things have settled down somewhat with the help of anti-depressants and other meds. It is still a roller coaster of a marriage. I have to take it one day at a time, work on regulating my own emotions - not becoming overjoyed when he has a week of being husband of the year, nor becoming depressed because he chooses to get drunk on his nights off and stay hung over most of the day. The roller coaster is within me as well. My kids deserve stability.
Becky, as far as I am concerned you are on the right path. I am with you all the way on this. In the words of a great Elton John tune, "Release, relax, let go; hey then brother, let's recover your soul." Great words.
With caring,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:08, 2008-01-27
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't know you and I don't know your pain but I can't see how going out like that will help anything. I understand if you need your freedom and know how you feel but I feel obligated to tell you maybe you should consider ending your marriage before you go out like that.
My reason is my own experience that has nothing to do with my AH or my life now. Long ago I was in a similar situation except no drinking involved but very unhappy and felt I could not leave-felt like I was literally starving for some happiness I went out, partied and met someone etc. My ex deserved it, knew about it, did nothing (good) to prevent it but it still hurts me that I did it. It became like a drug to me, just to feel happy, listened to, like I mattered at all. But it ulitmately had bad results- like all drugs. I feel I did wrong, can't take it back and had some trouble trusting others till I took a close look at it. Bottom line if you live like you know is right always no matter what the issues at the time you get to have a clean heart and that is for YOU not for your AH or anyone it is the greatest blessing to love and respect yourself- I hope you don't hurt, I know how horrible it is to live with a dead marriage! please consider ending your marriage or dealing with it differently by only bringing positives to the table. sorry if it's none of my business only want you to avoid the pain of guilt I have felt- even though my ex may have "deserved" it - I may mention when I got my mind messed up and did these things it effected me finanically and my relationship with my kids, parents etc. so be careful- some things you can't take back!
The A I was with wanted me isolated. One of the last things he said to me months ago was not to call his Uncle who he is staying with. I am not to talk to anyone but he can bad mouth me to everyone. control is a huge issue for some of them. I can understand your frustration. I can also understand your hunger.
