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I do not like being a whiney wimp but I have lost touch with myself way more than I ever realized. You'd never know that I was in business mgmt prior to kids and have been at home mom now for 20 plus years. Feel like I'm a throw back to the 50's.....yuck!!
I read Kisser's post about the female partner of the A and I am sick and tired of being the one over these past 10 years whom therapists talk to about our kids or me or us and how messed up I am still while everyone else in the family has recovered a lot from their own issues or have remained in denial. (guess who?) hah! Then I read Becky's struggle post and see how her AH is taking some action in response to her recovery progress. It is a difficult response though and I have you in my prayers Becky. Next Lou's mixed feeling post where she can see and speak about things as they are and expresses her emotions in such a healthy way.
So I have made progress with al anon tools which my AH encourages because we talk even less. I don't talk about drinking or relationship, just about family calendar items. He rarely talks except a bit of small talk here & there. I have only learned how to express my anger in the past couple years, so I think I might rationalize it or use some good ole' distorted thinking to turn anger inside on myself resulting in the blues or apathy. Maybe I lost my anger inside again when I tried to detach?
I am going to try Lou's technique to find my anger. Sounds silly but it might help to know if my anger is under or over reactive and if I expressed myself outloud more, maybe this whole mess wouldn't just drag on forever but come to some point of resolution or action. Any esh would be helpful because I really have no clue and at least finding my anger and expressing it here could help me too maybe. This is hard, seems embarassing but I am tired of being numb even more..........
I am angry that you are in denial and might always be like your family of origin. I am angry that you wait to see what happens and do nothing re anger of son I am angry that you don't connect still that your kids issues were screams for your attention I am angry that you think therapy is benign and go to support others in their issues I am angry that you are so self centered and life revolves around you I am angry about your look of intimidation and how long I let it control me I am angry when you end any conversation when I am not done I am angry that you can't understand emotions at all I am angry that I have learned how to communicate with you direct, short and need to tell you every time whether I need an answer or just listen BUT you never want or even try to understand the way I need to communicate I am angry that you have stated you will never engage in conversation about your drinking I am angry we have to get you to therapy once a year to hear us and to get you to respond I am angry you go and act different at therapy - it's just a show of support. I am angry that you hide smoking in the bathroom at your age and hide/sneaky with drinking. Be who you are, not who you think you have to be for approval. I am angry that money is the relationship you have with son - stop giving him money! I am angry that everyone is in a separate room, too much stuff and not enough family time. I am angry when you pass out with fire, tv etc still on - I am angry that you will get sick and do nothing now even after several MD's have told you your body shows effects from chronic alcohol I am angry you are a proud & private man who does not share with me re doctor visits nor want to know about me I am angry you act normal the next morning after blackouts that take me days to recover from emotionally I am angry that you put on a show in front of extended family & college kids when home that things are fine or getting better I am angry that you act like our problems are mostly about my depression
This sounds so silly to me and whiney - I wish I could get angry like you Lou but I guess this is a start.
big sigh, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
(((((ddub)))))) Silly? Whiney? No way. You are a person who has obviously been deeply affected by your husband's drinking and subsequent denial denial denial of the problem. I read anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, and frustration in your words. I think we've all been there. I KNOW I have (am).
So was this cathartic for you? It seems like it would be. I'd like to start my own list - get some of those thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I'm definitely one of those people who feels better after writing. And I would think unloading all of that "stuff" that swims around in my brain would feel good!!!!
Thanks for sharing. I could relate to so many of your statements.
Wow it helps me so much to see people with similar problems! Thank you for your post and I know how you feel worrying about being whiney, I think that often, even when my issues deserve to be heard- the question is by who, the answer is most likely : By the AH, and the truth is that will most likely never be so we are left feeling like we are whinning in the wind.... Is that why we feel like we don't deserve to say or feel what we do, because they communicate that to us by not really listening.. and what should we do about that if it is the case?
((((Ddub))))...God you are angry!! God he is so powerful!! Is some of your anger self directed? Oh I did the same thing...you, you, you, you. They use to call it the Al-Anon hand shake; that one finger pointing outward wagging up and down without recognizing the other three pointing back at myself.
I didn't like the lesson at first because I took it as another accusation that I was wrong, less than, screwing up, bad, perverted in mind, feeling and behavior. When I was able to get out of that self pity and listen to what was being told me and suggested I started asking questions of myself like; Why have I made the choices I have regarding this situation and others? Why have I decided to accept the unacceptable? Why have I put my life on hold waiting for her to change who she is and what she does so that I can be happy? Why have I accepted unhappiness as my default feeling regardless of how life around me really is? Why can't I accept that she doesn't wanna...stop drinking for me; act nice for me; listen to my demands (this one use to piss her off!! Ever be under the influence and trying listening to a nagging self righteous husband?), etc. etc. etc. My list was endless and so was my unwillingness to accept the reality of my situation. I didn't see the forest for the trees, read the writing on the wall, recognize my hand in front of my face, understand that when she said or acted out NO! it was NO! She didn't wanna and she wasn't gonna; acknowledge my needs and fall in line for my demands.
In the Big Book of AA, the third edition and before on Page 449 there is a statement made by a physician, recovering in AA that reads in part "...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." Of course there is more and all of it is important not only to the recovering alcoholic. It has save the spiritual sanity of many Al-Anons I know. I have used it myself to restore my sanity when I was standing over or in front of my alcoholic trying to get from her, over and over again something that not possible at the time.
The anger, rage, self pity, low self esteem and confidence and all the other affects that come along the way are all toxic.
We get sick and sicker than them until we learn "We don't gotta and we ain't gonna" with a compassionate smile of acceptance on our faces.
What I had to do was change all my "you's" to "I's" and start working the program or simply accept (or not) the consequences.
When I get really mad at the world around me I got outside and tantrum until the pressure is reduced.
Angry like me? Uhhh, you sound pretty mad, and rightfully so. I have to admit that while expressing my anger outloud got it out of my head and definately helped some, the fact that the person I am so mad at doesn't get to share it leaves me feeling unfinished, and I don't know what to do about that. I keep having to remind myself that I need to do what is best for now, and sharing it with him ain't it. My life is far from over (I hope) and in time I may get the reconciliation (which could just be telling him) that I so crave. I don't think the A's in our life are totally clueless about the pain they are causing, but I do think they are so emotionally and spritually broken, that they can't deal with the guilt and pain they feel in any other way than projecting it onto us and continuing to numb themselves.
I DVR shows to watch during my insomniac nights. Early this morning I watched Oprah where the topic was adult children of divorced parents. Oh, let me tell you it just turned my guilt screw a litttle tighter, but I think I may have learned something. Divorced or not, I think it can easily transer into all our lives, because the truth is, often life with an alcoholic is like being divorced, without all the technicalities.
Anyhow, these adult children spoke of the pain they felt because thier mothers emotionally shut down and carried around anger which, of course, had a lingering affect on everyone. Often their fathers just disappeared. In short, they felt they ended up losing both parents. The bottom line was to encourage our children to express their feelings with us, and that we need to let it go. It is going to take a lot of work, but I for one want to be free!
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 19:55, 2008-01-27
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just wrote a longer reply to each of you and kept figguring a little more out as I wrote but then I lost the dern thing to share with you all. Guess it was my scratch pad so I can write now that I am starting to get this by jove.
Stop reacting and less anger will build up deal with the messy build up of old anger (sounds like a laundry commercial) deal with the al anon handshake issues reduce residual anger with physical activity
this is the nutshell version and it took a lot of writing to get to the above notes but sending baskets of hugs for all your responses that helped me so much.
ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
