The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex contacted me tonight begging for forgiveness. I told him the only way I would take him back is if he went to AA for his drinking problem; otherwise, I have to walk away for good. This is really how I feel and I know taking him back without him getting help for himself will change nothing. I hope and pray he helps himself before it's too late. I feel like I am abandoning him. This really hurts. I keep praying HP guides him in the right direction so he can save himself. I feel like a traitor.
Kissers - I know that feeling all too well. But think for a second about what you would be doing if you took him back without him finding help? Is that the life you want for you? Is that the message you want to send to him? If you TRULY care about this person, then you want the absolute best for him. What is the absolute best for him? Is it you or is it help for his drinking problem? Sure - it can be both - but unlikely at the same time right now. If he's looking to you to "save" him, then he's not likely to continue further and get help for his drinking problem. I've been there, done that.........been there, done that........been there, done that (I could go on). I can tell you that my experience has shown me that they have to get help for their addiction or the pattern of apologies and "rescuing" just continues.
You're not a traitor. Not at all. You're someone who is concerned about his health and his life. Stay strong. Oh....and while you're praying for HP to guide him.....why not ask HP for what you need right now, too?
I think the most loving thing we can do for the A is to get out of the way. The most unselfish, pure love thing is to let them go. I hung on for years because he needed me, I was the only one who could save him. He told me, he couldn't do it without me. But really, I was being selfish in a way. I needed to feel needed. I wanted to be the one who saved him. Others couldn't I wanted to be the one. If I could then I would be happy. I would be safe and our family could be normal. Kinda selfish when I think about it. If I let him go....where did that leave me? I finally saw thru these lies. I couldn't save him, there was no way. I wasn't God. I tried, believe me. And when I finally did let go I still did it with a slightly selfish intent. It was for him I was letting him go. Not for me, not to better my life, but because I had tried everything else in the world and none of it worked so for his sake, because I had such great love for him, I let go. I moved on and started living my life. It has been hard, and scarey but I am doing it. Am I happier? Yes, but I am also wiser and wisdom is pain. Hang onto your boundries and if you can't do it for you, do it for him. Give him a chance to get sober. Maybe he will and come back to you and you will have the most wonderful relationship. Maybe not and your life will be complete and peaceful.
Kissers, I so hope this works out for you. As Serendipity says, it is the most unselfish, pure love thing ...and as round3 says you are not a traitor.
It is the hardest thing to do, it is painful, and it is risky; hey but there is a risk in all that we do. I took the risk and lost him, his choice and when he rang to say he was marrying someone else I knew that he was utterly detached from me, whilst I was still so in love with the man I had married. He said that he realised that I was not for him, I was bad for him and he did not love me and he felt that I did not love him and nothing would change his mind, but that if he was to keep sober he could not have me in his life.
There you go. I took a risk and lost.
I am praying that it all works out for the best for you, so that YOUR quality of life improves.
With love, HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I remember my alcoholics sponsor suggesting that I get into Al-Anon. "For heaven's sake...why me?" I though and made a half effort too check things out. I did a couple (2) meetings with the wrong attitude and spirit. Then it was suggested that I check out a couple of AA meetings with my alcoholic to see what she was attempting to do. I did a couple (2) meetings with the wrong attitude and spirit. Then I put on the brakes and didn't want to attend to anything until I got crazier than I could ever handle and made my way back to Al-Anon.
One of the first questions I had to consider when I got a bit settled was, "What was my part in it?" After objecting to the question and suggestion that I had anything to do with the (my) problem I felt inquisitive and went after the answer to that question. One part of the answer for me was that since I thought that she and her drinking was the sole cause of all of my problems I also thought that the sole solution laid with her....without my participation. I was absolutely blameless!! I had tunnel vision in all aspects regarding my responsibities. I expecter her to get the solution and she had no solution for me.
I eventually let go of blame and expectation on her. I in a sense got off her back in all ways, shapes and forms. I accepted the idea that I was my problem and that my life would get better not if others changed but if I could make the necessary changes. Since this is a "life" program and it's workable one day at a time for a life time, I cannot tell you how far removed I am from screwing my life up. Maybe it is only one inch and that inch is enough to insure me my peace of mind and soul. "The program works if you work it." If I had continued to work MY program rather than THE program I doubt that I would be alive today yet if I was I would be incarcerated.
How is the alcoholic doing? I don't know. When we parted she was sober and we were happy for each other and we had learned to love each other. Neither of our lives I suspect was perfect and I haven't met anyone in or out of the program who has had a perfect life. It's progress today. I went on with my life (recovery) before she went on with hers (after a 3 year almost terminal relapse in drinking and using). While she was dying...I was learning to live and live the idea that HP had us all inspite of our choices. We had one relapse together (she drinking and getting very physically hurt and me attempting the impossible of trying to play god while completely powerless...again.) and then I put an extra effort into my humility and let the program and the people in it take charge of my program. She went on to get sober with what is today the best demonstration of humility I have ever heard in recovery.
Some one was talking about honest recovery; the reason why we do this thing called spiritual model, 12 step based, social recovery. For me I do this for my relationship with my HP first (this program is HP's will for me), myself next (to thine own self be true) and then with others, (you cannot keep it unless you give it away and "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we try to carry the message to others and practice these principals in all our affairs; #12 of 12.) This is how the whole thing has come around for me. I have tested most every principle, idea, suggestion, slogan and other persons experience for the time I have been here. Skepticism, doubt and rejection of rational input were only three of my early characteristics when I got here; add self centeredness and the biggy EGO (Easing God Out).
Did I do the right thing? Most of the time (measured over 29 years this Feb. 8th.) I have; some times better and sometimes barely. Have I screwed up? Not a problem to say yes with lots of humor looking back. My HP laughs also and doesn't hold that over my head.
What is the right thing? Taking care of MY part in my life with the tools and spiritual philosophies and behaviors of this program. In short (LOL) "Trusting God (steps 1-3) Cleaning my own house (steps 4 - 11) and helping others (step 12).
