The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a great smile. That's what people tell me. I haven't smiled in so very long. I used to not even think about it. I would just naturally have a smile on my face whenever I was around others. I enjoyed being happy. Even if I wasn't happy, when i was faced with a smile, I smiled back. That's gone. I haven't been frowing necessairly. But just no smile. When someone smiles at me I feel as though my face is cracking when I smile back. I have jowls now because my smiling muscles are not being used. No joke!
Why? Because I am in mourning? Because grief has stolen my smile? Because I am just not in the mood? When will I be "in the mood?" to present a pleasent face to the world? What am I waiting for?
I laugh with my kids, and friends, at shows on tv. Sometimes I feel guilty laughing when my best friend can't laugh. When my daughter's best friend will never laugh again. But I do it anyway. I laugh, I cry, I feel. My middle one came home from school crying a few months ago. She was sad because Gracie was gone and would never grow up and get to do the things that she was going to get to do. I told her that is very true and very sad. But what we can do is enjoy life extra. Everytime we do something fun, when we achieve something good, we have to feel ALL of the good, ALL of the fun and remember Gracie within those moments because she will be there and thru us she will enjoy the good times. Why can't I do that? I think my face muscles are just like the rest of my muscles and if I don't use them, they deteriorate. Most days, I can tell myself to lighten up. I see the absurity of my life thus far. I can laugh, but joy is something different. I debate wether a pill will find me joy. But who is paying the price for me NOT loving life despite the tragedies? Me and those who love me. I can drive those I love away quickly with my mardyrdome. I also realize that is NOT how I want my kids to be. I need to toss off the load of fear I carry and just smile. I have to think the thoughts that make me feel I can smile.
My father always had a smile. For everyone. Always. And he delt with death every single day. Why not? Life is short. And in the end, what does it matter anyway? Why not smile. Why not be happy? It is a choice. I can choose to not return the cashier's smile, or I can choose to smile back and make some conversation. I thought that, being broke all the time, that if I had money, just to be able to pay bills, THEN, then I could be happy. Nope. I had money to pay bills and I still wasn't happy. I thought if my A did what he was supposed to....nope...if I left him....nope...if I painted my house a certain color.....nope. So, within all this senseless death, the loss of everything that people say makes a "life", within all of this I am challanged to still find happiness.
I was in my meeting Sunday and it is a big meeting. My home group. I don't even know what I said in response to the topic (trusting the process). But after I spoke I heard some things I really needed to hear. After the meeting a man I really respect who just always seems to touch my heart when he speaks came up to me and told me it is right to question. It is ok to go thru what we go thru and question our faith. It is smart to doubt. And when we come thru it, our faith is strenghtened. We come out in a better place than we ever could have imagined. When I haven't been able to trust my HP, when I have been shaken to my very core and have given up all faith, I leaned on this program and you people and your faith. I am getting there, I am remembering that I used to smile and that is a good thing. Now, I am going to find things that will make me smile again (like CG and her nuts....)
I know that when I was not smiling at all it was partially because my husband (we have been separated for almost 2 years and I smile a lot now!), the man I loved and married and desired a happy life with was telling me I was dumb, worthless, unable to listen or behave or be "good", "right", "healthy", respectful, kind, etc. etc. without a single word of praise, goodness or kindness, day in and day out for years and years. Pretty grim home life, let me tell you. needless to day, I withdrew, kept my head down, looked at my feet a lot and avoided spending time with him. I stopped talking with him about anything and greatly decreased talking with anyone at all. I never made eye contact with anyone and my eyes remained plastered to the ground at all times. Add in monthly bouts of him punching holes in the walls and yelling, massive overdrafts on checking accounts, shut off and cancelation notices, him not working, etc.- what is there to smile about?! Who has any appetite and wants to sit down and eat together? Who wants to sleep together or go out and do things? Who even wants to be in the same room together? What a terrible disease.
Just a comment, related to this topic, that surprised me once . I hadn't seen one of my aunts for quite awhile and I just waited while family members were talking until I could greet her. She said she didn't recognize me until I smiled. It just made me aware how slow I am to smile these many many days and years.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I am slowly learning to smile again. Detachment has helped me to do that. I still have trouble smiling much around my AH. It seems like when I do, he calls it "smirking" and becomes even more abusive. Jean, you sound just like me. I have gone years trying to be the "good wife" the "virtiuous woman." And I'm tired. I need to exercise my jowls, too. I am only 53, but have felt 153 for the past few years. I am learning to laugh again, with friends. Life is so short. And we only get one. I want to be remembered for being a good friend, and for my smile. NOT for being a martyr, and putting up with abuse for years.
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