I have been thinking a lot lately about the past few months. All I have been through and still going through.  I can think back even further and think of all the things that have gone on continuously lately.  I am not one to handle stress well. Sometimes when I feel fear or something big is happening in my life. My mood is a lot worse and I yell at my children.  This may sound strange, however, I still get surprised when my mind wonders to a memory from the past.  I sometimes look at my life and say did I really go through that? I feel crazy sometimes for that reason not sure why.  I feel like I live on another planet and takes me a while to realize something, or I know what im doing wrong and I continue to do it anyway. Then I also procrastinate often. I dont think I live in denial then again if I did I wouldnt know it yet would I? Lol :p

Got me thinking to my children. They have been beginning to act out lately and it has been awhile but we are basically back to where we were, yelling and disrespectful. WE just moved back here in November then xmas came. My kids have had it rough. I see people judge me because its not to often I am hard on my children. This is extremely hard for me to admit cause its my fault that my kids misbehave however its something I always knew. . Even when my kids talk back to me or say no to me, which they often do, I give them a consequence but then I am not consistent the next day or I forgive them easily. People keep telling me how I let my children walk all over me and they dont know whos boss ect I dont think this way and I dont understand why everyone I know in person does!  I am mostly talking about the people who live in this building who have known me since I was 8 years old. And a few others and of course family.

I know how to teach my kids how to stop yelling ive done it before. I tend to get lost when big things happen in my daily life with family I am a true caretaker and again I rushed into that mode and my children suffered, more than once, their faults? Not to me.

I know what I do also, I think I can be completely honest and say this, its the first time I admit it so openly so bear with me, ive shared before I yelled at my children nothing much more than that though. Ive screamed a little to much at them, I have called them brats when they told me they hated me, and I have never done well in anger always have reacted. My kids have always been in a house that has had arguments since they were babies because of my family wasnt a calm one either nor was my ex. Knowing all I know and all they went through. My children watched my mother bedridden and dying. When she was home. I never saw that as a child.

 They have been through so very much. Kids dont get to choose what comes to them

WE can come home if we want to unwind listen to music take a bath. Some people drink, or do drugs or anything else to relax. WE can reach out for support like I am doing here right now. Talk to a friend. Children do not have these choices. They have no choice but to go through what comes to them and what we bring to them. WE dont always have the time to explain everything to them when we are in our own crises so children tend to guess. Children go through life on lifes terms, After all my kids have been through I still see them laughing with me and we dance, I see them laughing in the pool and in the park and when we go out. Oldest one is at the top of her class, for the first year. Other daughter over came her shyness and is reading properly. I didnt do such a bad job up to now, considering..  They cant do what we do I find them truly amazing people. So in my eyes it means they accept what is happening and they move on. I often hear a lot of adults say children adjust or kids are resilient, of course they are because they dont have another choice. A lot of adults complain especially the ones that live here in this building. About their kids not listening ect. Many times the children are overlooked when our own lives are not that great.  Then wonder whats wrong with them???? I know what I do to them and what I brought to them. They are only lashing out the way I have with their stress. So I never feel guilty for not being that strict with them.

 People tell me it doesnt matter they should be disciplined anyway, however, they are, just not as much as others think it should be and I hold no guilt for it. When I hear often enough how wrong I am and how I do this or that wrong how I am going to have bad bad teens, I have to come here to the ones that have always accepted me, no matter what, for a reality check and without judgment, feels good to do a long post like this again its been a while coming to get this off my chest. I dont feel so crazy anymore now that all these words are in front of me and I understand why I do what I do. The most important thing for me is, I remember the thoughts I had as a child laying in bed wondering what my parents were doing, or why they were fighting, ect. I remember coming to my own conclusions, I remember being very afraid most of the time because my parents never admitted anything I heard or saw, I was dreaming or nuts. I honestly thought I was for many years. So I dont tell my kids to shhhhhhh dont say anything, or I dont tell them it never happened or I meant to say this instead you heard this I say yes I said that im sorry. If people dont like that. Its their problem. I deal with the consequences of my own actions always have. So the whole point of this post??? I honestly think that children are the most amazing and strongest people I have ever met in my life. I will make sure my children know that. Its funny, all I have to do is tell my children the things I wanted to hear and didnt at that age and every age after. I remember them. I try to teach them not to feel guilty for the things they say or do to just work on their anger or talk to me. I know we need to get re settled again and work the best way we know how. I will do my best to make sure they understand all they want to know about their own childhoods when the time comes and it will come. Hopefully god willing they wont be so lost as I was as an adult.  Thanks for listening Love yas