The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That seems to be the theme of the week. A schoolweek full of assignments and social weirdos, still fitting in at work. The kids stayed home sick. The AH, on his 5th day clean, was just discovered drinking a beer in the car. Yesterday he fell down in the shower. He has scratches on his face and arm. He says his shoulder and back are messed up, and they are, I can tell. I wanted to ask if he had been drinking. What's the point, he will just say no. I think he did one of his famous nod outs, where he closes his eyes in the middle of nowhere and seems to fall asleep standing up. Sometimes he does that more than other times. I can't tell if it's related to drinking, his medication, or a combination of both. It gets worse when he doesn't sleep. And he hasn't been sleeping regularly as usual. He was getting better. He had a night where he went out and made a big *ss out of himself, and actually told me he wanted to quit. I am trying not to let it get to me because I think I have been under chronic stress and that it actually will make me physically ill. So I just don't want to care anymore.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
"So I just don't want to care anymore." The sub-plot of my life. I do find that the program really helps with that, though. Detachment. Not that detachment isn't caring - because we're supposed to detach with love. But detachment keeps us from being so entangled in the mess. Allows us to step back from the insanity and simply take care of ourselves. Begin our own path of healing, despite the mess.
I've been face down on the kitchen floor in a heap of tears before I started practicing detachment. Begging HP to help me "not care" anymore. Once I picked myself up and got busy in the program, I found that I didn't need to sink so low.
This program truly is miraculous. It works if you work it.
A single day without struggle and stress would be a gift - one you & I plus many others could relish. My Ah had some back surgery years ago that affected nerves in one leg so his balance can be off due to that weakness - add meds and alcohol equals lots of falls. Difficult to see, hard to hear especially when he wants no help and expects us to act like we didn't see it. I hold my breath waiting to hear if he is moving to get up. Slender but big man that makes a big noise because it happens so fast, he can't catch himself.
Nine years of family crisis and chronic stress plagues me too. I just came out of denial last summer so some of the past crisis's are fitting into this puzzle of the family disease of A. It helps to know but doesn't eliminate the toll stress has played on my spirits and physical body. I spent some time with an old friend called "despair" this week, a relative of "pity" and learned some things. Seems when I understand, then I can move forward. Otherwise, the despair is so heavy, my only relief is apathy. That is not a place I like to visit.
I learned:
"The positive side of pity lies with its powers of anesthesia. Self pity numbs the pain."
and I learned:
"It takes very little to provoke a very strong reaction of fear and anger, and in fact many times that's exactly the case. Not so with self pity. The person swamped with self pity really is leading a pathetic life, filled with problems and struggle. Life really is difficult when you're mired in self pity. Bad things really do happen."
So it really is chronic stress,duh!, but sometimes I need acknowledgement or my head starts to beat me up that everyone is under stress so stop whining. Both is true, we are under lots of stress and it is ok to have a little "whine" every day.......good for the heart just like they say that one glass of the other wine is good for the heart too. (c: Numbing the pain, sometimes is necessary, I think as a reprieve or break but then moving on is healthy to do also after the break. Apathy or not caring about the AH's issures is healthy but apathy about my own life is when I know I need to rest and then get up and get back at it. The apathy tells me to rest my body and is just as important as allowing/accepting a little despair/pity so the chronic stress doesn't cripple us to chronic apathy about ourselves.
This is just my two cents of what I have learned about myself. Now that I understand all this, I have been able to move on which is a relief. Hang in there. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I remember when I said I just don't want to care anymore. And then one day it happened. Now it's not that I don't care it's just that I have my own life and my own problems. I care, I hope he gets himself straightened out but I don't hold out any hope at all that that will happen and I don't think much about his problems. I care but I care like I care for any human being hoping for them to have health and happiness. Before I cared like it was me experiencing the pain/suffering/embarrassment, etc. I don't think it's that you don't want to care anymore, I think it's that you don't want to care so much. Wow, life is so much simpler when it's not controlled by someone else's drama. I felt like a yo yo or like I was on a rollercoaster and never knew when the bottom was going to drop out from under me. Funny thing, I went to Orlando and I just didn't like the wild rides as much any more either. Maybe I'm growing up?
I remember one time my ex came to visit the kids and he was all banged up. Big cut across his nose, bruised cheek, back all messed up. My thought "looks like someone finally kicked his butt" his explanation: He was helping someone cut tree branches and one fell and hit him across the face. I thought this was hysterical! Can you imagine? Getting beaten up by a tree?!? Man oh man, Even the TREES were out to get him! LOL!
I know what you mean when you say you don't want to care anymore. I have come to a point where I am way more Important to me than he is. And the kids. But then again, I am not trying to have a relationship with him. When I was I did put him first or at least even with me. But he was/is a sick person and not even Oprah or Dr. Phil was going to be able to change him. When I finally detatched mentally (still working on this) physically and financially I could put him in his place (within my mind) and I stopped caring and started focusing on me and the kids. And it feels so much better.
