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I am at my sister's tonight and using her computer so I was able to read through some posts. I am just amazed at how similar we all are and how similar our A's are as well. Do you think that we are attracted to A's with these personalities? Or did we all just happen to wind up in these relationships, etc? I guess what I am asking is it possible that I was attracted to the person the A was/is because he is an A? Is it possible that the reason he needs me but doesn't seem to "want" me is for the same reason. I find that I come back to that question over and over- why doesn't he "want" me? Even now when I see him- all skinny and unhealthy- I still "want" him more than anyone I ever met. I also think I look better now than ever and he never gives me signals that he "wants" me. I see him with women that I think are unattractive and yet he seems to be drawn to them. It's like he "tries" to want to be "in love" with me, but he can't. Like he knows I would be good for him, but just can't seem to make himself stay with me. What a blow to my self image that I would even put myself in a situation where someone had to TRY to want me.He used to constantly remind me that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. I am angry that I am even concerned and that I am still talking about it- yet my frustration and desire is still there- so I just wanted to let it out. Thanks for being there.
Aloha Co...I remember having all those questions. I remember being told by my counselor that if ever he met someone he thought would be able to figure it all out it would be me...but, since I hadn't he'll keep his eyes and ears open to see if anyone else would come along with all my powerful thinking.
My sponsor use to ask me that if I figured it all out, what would I do then?
I stopped trying to figure it all out. It's a disease and it's happening and has happened to hundreds of thousands, millions even and destroyed everything in its path. Standing there trying to figure it out will mean that it will run over me again and when I am lying there in the dirt all broken up and crazy and it is a million miles away, I might then get it. "It's a disease that affects everyone it comes in contact with and can only be arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease and if an alcoholic were to have any sober time and then continue drinking again it will be as if they had never stopped and often it will be worse. The alcoholic has but three choices, sobriety, insanity or death. We the spouses, family and friends of the alcoholic are affected in much the same way only worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. Therefore we go thru the problem wide awake. We too affect everyone we come in contact with in this disease and have much the same choices; serenity, insanity or death." That quote comes as part of the definition of alcoholism that we use to read before the start of all of our family group meetings. It helped me stop thinking and got me into acceptance cause it was the truth...for me.
I know that I was attracted, in some ways, to the disease in him - it met some unhealthy needs in me. It was not a case of innocent little me and the big bad alcoholic - if it had been, I would have run at the first of the many many bright red flags that waved over him. No, we were partners in disfunction, no doubt about it.
Gosh Co! I could have written that post! Really and truly....sometimes I go over and over this in my head trying to hit on some answer. But it's like "Who's on first?" and it has no answer....I just go round and round and round with it. I don't know "logically" why I want this man, but I always have. And he's tried loving me many times. Swears he loved me....but sometimes I wonder....
I think I knew him better than most and he knew it. I was on to his manipulation and it was getting harder and harder to "play me". He basically told me that once - not in so many words - but he told me that I know him better than anyone, and I get him to open up when he doesn't want to, about things that are uncomfortable for him. That there was no hiding from me. I think it threatened that facade of his that he uses when he's deep in manipulation with people. And I know one thing for sure - if someone threatens to get in the way of his alcohol, then they have to go. He's only got one true love.
So sad that my desire is set to him - and his desire is set to a bottle. Addiction.
I could write your letter too. Its me all over again. He loves me, is not "in love" with me. Doesn't understand it himself. Manipulates, leaves, comes back, leaves.............tells me over and over, he wished that he loved me. Then in the next breath, tells me he does. He was "dry" for two years. Thats when I fell in love with him. Now he's drinking again and gues what..........I still want him. Stupid. And I worry constantly, cause he emails, then gets silent, and I don't understand why, and its a vicious circle and I worry.....
I remember wondering if I was just an A magnet and I think in reality I was. Not that I attracted them per say but that I tolerated their behavior. Most people run from behavior such as that and I guess my problem is too much sticking power, holding on long after I should have let go. I think now even if I attracted an A once I realized there was a problem I would let go and move on. At least that's what I'd like to hope.
I used to ask this question: why doesnt he love me? but I do not anymore. Its time for me to ask: why don't I love myself? Where can I get the unconditional love I crave (from my HP)? J.
