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Have felt apathetic all day and ended up full of self pity to despair. Then I start beating myself up for lack of acceptance of the it is what it is. I am angry still that I am alone in this marriage and turn to despair rather than action to make things better for myself. Then I waste time linking it with over analysis that it was how I grew up with no celebrations for the good stuff but lots of attention for the bad stuff. So I seek attention by throwing my own pity party. And I dabble with that old line if only AH would change then I'd be ok - it's not gonna happen the way I want to do it.
On the flip side, I did just accept the crummy feelings today and float with it. It's like I am fighting to let go and let God. Wish I would try the easy path once but maybe the lesson will stick longer this time. I found the following late tonight and it reminded me of reading a post here long ago on how to meditate and let go of self pity. So more hopeful that I can move forward with less struggle tomorrow. g'nite, ddub
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"Self pity exists as a real emotion. All real emotions have both a positive and a negative side. The positive side of pity lies with its powers of anesthesia. Self pity numbs the pain. It puts you to sleep. It wraps you in a cocoon of mush -
The very powers that make self pity so necessary for childhood and adolescence also make it so repulsive for the grownup. Children NEED self pity. Many kids needed it for their very survival. They were hurting, they looked around, and one of the very few tools available to them was self pity.
It served them well.
As a grownup, however, pity becomes a burden. It's almost endearing for a child to be sucking its thumb and holding a security blanket. For a grownup, well... you're not going win a whole lot of respect with your peers!
On the dark side, self pity paralyzes your thoughts and feelings and even your very actions in the world. Often, it becomes a pathetic manipulation that people use to get any number of things. It becomes a way to punish others,...
It takes very little to provoke a very strong reaction of fear and anger, and in fact many times that's exactly the case. Not so with self pity.
The person swamped with self pity really is leading a pathetic life, filled with problems and struggle. Life really is difficult when you're mired in self pity. Bad things really do happen. And one of the characteristics of pity - you always have to blame. Even if it's blaming yourself.
Self-pitiers usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems and struggle.
And since -
"I didn't create the problem so I can't end it!" -
it becomes a self perpetuating downward spiral that leads only to more problems and more pity.
If someone or something else is the source of my problem, I am giving my power away to that something else. It's like saying they are more powerful than I am. Then I have to get them to change, so that my life will improve.
By definition, a person in self pity can not and will not accept responsibility for their own life. Someone else must be responsible. (Or some errant part of me.) This in itself leads to a host of problems too numerous to go into here.
Also, pity separates you. It separates you from yourself, from other people, from your world, and from your power.
Pity is an enemy of choice. It's hard to make choices when you're filled with pity. And when you do choose, those choices lack any kind of strength.
Very little changes when you're in pity. "
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Ddub - I really liked that - it was eye opening. I find that self pity is very indulgent. When working and trying and thinking and all of the positives are just too hard, self pity manages to just be that blanket that I can fall into. Too easy. So defeating.
"If someone or something else is the source of my problem, I am giving my power away to that something else. It's like saying they are more powerful than I am. Then I have to get them to change, so that my life will improve. "
I especially could relate to that paragraph. How I tried to get the A to change so that my life would improve. I really wore myself out with that one. Then I'd REALLY have "reason" for self pity. What a vicious circle.
ddub, good post, it was informative and interesting. It made me understand some new things about the function of it. How it does have a function, the anesthesia piece. Really interesting. It has helped me to see the A in a different light, too. How self pity is such a strong factor in his life, why that is and to feel compassion for him as he struggles with this. I have a tendency to get annoyed at his self-pity (because it hit so close to home- lol) and now I can get a little distance and perspective on it. Really good post! Also, its Ok to have the self-pity thing going as long as its not long term. sometimes we need a little anesthesia- sometimes the realities of life with an alcoholic are too much for most of us; it is that awareness piece and allowing it to exist and "sitting with it" for a while but keeping it to a set time. Like: OK today I am going to feel this, spend some time working it through, perhaps, etc. but tomorrow, its over. Setting a boundary with yourself. Processing takes many forms and we each have our own unique ways of processing. I have considered that self-pity is perhaps a release valve for those of us who never learned to take care of ourselves, consciously. So, unconsciously we developed this mechanism- and it can be highly manipulative as you have pointed out. But there was a function there. So now, when we see we are in this place, we can see- "oh, well, apparently I have not been taking care of myself consciously so this is a signal that I need to step up and do something". We can use it as a tool to "wake up" or "check in" with ourselves. Ask questions like: OK, what is going on in my life that I need to anesthetic for?
Another thing, I have found that when I am at a dark point with this program, I am almost 99% of the time on the very verge of launching into a whole new and better-feeling aspect of my recovery. When I feel really badly, a lot of pain, it is like birth pain in that I am in the process of opening a whole new door for myself so trust that something much better is coming very soon. Hugs. J.
Hi dub , you can get those pity pots lined ya know , then u would be wayyyyy more comfy . I have a friend who allowed herself 15 min a day to feel sorry for herself and her situation , when the fifteen min were up she got on with her day. Sometimes dub living with an alcoholic truly IS too much for us , let it go and make the most of whats left of your day . Louise
I had some insight about that today. I was reading a text on trauma and they said that so much trauma is based on neglect. For me most of my life has been about an absence of physical emotional care as well as soothing and the experience of having reparative relationships. I have never had that. I have to say it was terrible when I was a child but it was also pretty hard as an adult without any let up. Survival is a basic for me, I have never gone beyond survival. With no baseline I have not really known how to establish that modicum of care nor did I know when I met people who would be completely unable to meet my needs (after all they were never met before). So self pity for me was pretty alluring after all I had had a tremendously difficult life. I feel self pity is for me a way to express frustration at not really knowing how to make my needs felt and met. I can look at it like that rather than see it as something that is compulsive. For me its important to recognize when my life is difficult as it is now. Admittedly for me now it is not as difficult as dealing with the A but I have numerous multi faceted challenges daily.
Sad to hear you're stuck. If you have an ODAT daily reader (CAL lit) go to page 13 and read it and then meditate on it for a while. See what comes from that. I only suggest it cause an old old timer gave that gift to me ages ago when I was stuck in the very same place you are now.
