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Ok, it's been 3 weeks since AH got a OWI on the snowmobile...so tonight he calls and 'asks' if I mind if he goes out snowmobiling tonight?? I tell him "it's not my choice, I don't care." He comes home from work and starts getting ready it's all to obvious that I have an attitude...but I tell him "I don't know what's wrong"...YEAH RIGHT!!! I know....the last time he went out may have changed our lives forever!! Oh he says, he's not going to have more than 2 beers and ride anymore....I am having a VERY hard time accepting that. So the expectation thing is there.....I had been doing really good, but him going out tonight just brought all the feelings back...and I don't know how to "work the program" enough to get rid of these feelings....any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for letting me vent.
I completely understand what you are going thru. It is so hard to keep the mouth closed. I have mastered all the tools yet either, but just wanted to tell you i understand. Sometimes that helps. I wish you the best of luck.
Well I didn't hide my feelings. I came here and expressed them. I worked them through. I just didn't work them through with him. I can definitely appreciate your feelings. The a who I was with did a lot of reckless driving. I think for me I was always on overwhelm. I eventually got ot he point of not being in crisis all the time about it though. I can imagine that is hard. I can also tell you I did all the screaming, begging, ultimatums galore. None of them worked either. I thought they did when I was doing them. What worked for me was to set limits. I also started a plan b. I can't tell you how comforting I found working a plan b. I felt effective, I felt like i was doing something, I felt like I was taking action. I didn't act on a plan b for a long long long time but making it really helped.
Detaching isn't about stuffing emotion. Detaching for me is about taking care of me, what can I do, not what can I make the A do. What can I do to help me. I wasn't in denial, I didn't stuff, I did things to help me to deal with it. One was to come here and live here for a while really put out what I was dealing with, interact with others here and really let my feelings be out there without havng them overwhelm me.
My brother in law was a paramedic/EMT in a "strong" snowmobiling area for over 30 years and if anyone thinks driving a car drunk is dangerous, you should see how dangerous it is on a snowmobile...so many injuries and fatalities- very little protection, no seatbelts, high speeds, poor visibility and pretty much *everyone* is drunk.
I would need to walk away from someone who is so self/other-destructive but I am not you and being self/other-destructive is the hallmark of this disease- he is not doing it just to piss you off, he is doing it because he has a disease. we all have different levels of tolerance of what we can watch and manage with and what we cannot. You have every right to be concerned and I just wanted to say please put yourself first and take care of YOU. Hugs, J.
Seems to me you don't have to hide your feelings, and it looks like you aren't really hiding them anyway. You have a right to think what you think.
It might be time for you to work out what you really do feel about this issue, establish some boundaries you are willing to stick to, and then tell him, straight out. Don't make him guess what you think - say what you mean, mean what you say.
If you say to someone "Do what you want" you really don't have a leg to stand on when he then does what he wants (Do I have to tell you how long it took *me* to learn that?)
It takes practice, practice, practice to get it down with fairness, honesty and just. That is what I arrived at after practice, practice, practice. I learned that when my head, mouth, heart and feet were on the same channel then I was there. I spoke my thoughts and feelings honestly without reactive emotion. I asked for feedback from the alcoholic such as "If I minded would you be concerned?" (I then waited for a reply). I stopped doing the "you" thing and started doing the "I or for me" statements and kept them all honest. I stopped requiring her to read my body language and talked the language. That was more honest and I stopped getting negative, defensive attitude back from her read of my body language. Most times she read me correctly just about everyone else did also. I learned that body language is more than 57% of all truthful communication so I started getting less fearful and more truthful. Today I believe that others deserve the truth with compassion and understanding and I try to give them that respect as often as I can. When I fail at that I start getting the guilt and shame jitters. Oh I don't like than anymore. Nope!! Give it a try and give your sponsor or your home face to face meeting the subject to chew on. It always comes back with more info than I expected.
(((((hugs)))))
speaking of meeting...home meeting is in 15 minutes. Aloha
I think the hardest thing for me to learn was when to keep my mouth shut. I find that the only way I'm able to keep quiet is to detach from the situation.
I can't stop him from drinking, and if I make a big scene, it only makes the situation worse in my own case. Then he'll end up drinking more than he would have just to spite me because he knows I'm upset about it. It's almost as though he uses my being upset as an excuse to drink more. Then he'll say that it's my fault that he drank.
I find that when I know he's been drinking, I am much happier if I just go and shut myself in my room with a good book or a movie. Then I'm happier and I could care less what he does.
Take Care of Yourself,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I've heard it said that "resentments are like taking poison and hoping the other person that you have the resentments towards will die." Now this analogy to me means that if I am harboring feelings towards someone but don't share them with them in an appropriate way (talking about them in a kind and factual manner) then they will fester inside of me.
In my experience, A's often are very self-centered and it's all about them. There's a lot of readings in Courage to Change or One Day at a Time in Alanon about feelings and resentments that can help you. A good old Alanon meeting and talking with people in program is very helpful and valuable too.
I hope this helps, Keep coming, keep posting, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I don't know if we have to "keep our mouth shut". I mean, if one of my friends is about to walk out of the bathroom with her skirt stuck in her pantyhose, I'm going to tell her. She may decide that she doesn't care what I say and walk out anyway. Or she might thank me and fix herself or she might say she doesn't care and then secretly fix it before she goes out. Any way, I would be happy I said something, and then I would have the choice to walk out with her, or not. Why can't I say to an A " Personally, I wouldn't drink and drive ever again. Here are MY opinions on the subject." Why shouldn't A's know where we stand? Because it might...what? make them drink? cause a fight? We didn't Cause It. But we can contribute to IT by sitting idlely by while the A does something really stupid. At the very least I can say to myself (and the police) that I shared MY thoughts on what his decision was.
My ex had many affairs ( I have since found out) while he was a massage therapist. We split because of that. He lost his licence to practice because of that. We eventually wound up working on things and he wanted to start practicing again. I explained my feelings about that idea. I explained that if he did then there would be no relationship to work on. I would not be with him if he wanted to be a massage therapist. His decision. I was ready to accept whatever he decided. He decided that he wanted to be married, and that he couldn't be a massage therapist as he was a sex addict and the two just didn't mix, for him. Ok, but I sure as HECK wasn't going to keep my mouth shut and play the martyr and seethe and grow resenetments.
I have a right to MY opinions, MY decisions and My right to speak the truth.Sometimes we are the only ones who will tell them the truth. We might be the only ones they know who are living in reality. Calling a spade a spade might do nothing or it might do something. But WE can feel good for stepping out of the Land Of Goofey where they reside and saying something!
I read your post but not everyone's reply, here is what I would have done if I wasn't too mad to use good judgement. I would have said 'I don't want you to go because.... I am afraid it will happen again or because I want time with you or whatever you feel, then I would have said if you go I won't fight with you about it or anything but I would rather you not and maybe we could, and I would suggest something you both like to do? If he said no I would try to be understanding and plan something for myself. But this if I did what was best- typically I would act like you said you did.. but hey.. hang in there.
