The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi folks - Just a short introduction: I am a one month recent attendee of Al Anon meetings both online and f2f. I was raised by an alcoholic father (still active) and mother (sober through AA for 25 years - she has since passed ) I have been living with an active alcoholic for the past 5 years and have watched helplessly as I remained in this place with him and allowed my life, my dreams, my hopes and my self worth go slowly down the toilet.
Finally in late November 2007 we had a 'final' episode where he became extremely drunk on a Sunday afternoon (not unusual) and picked and picked and berated and berated me until I was hysterical and sobbing. I begged him not to make me leave his (our) house. And then we were intimate. He has always equated great sex with a lot of alcohol. And that only managed to confirm it for him. For me, I think I just wanted to know I was wanted. Even if I knew it was only for my body. I feel like I could have been anybody at that point.
Just writing that makes me ill. But I need to get it out. This disease has destroyed me. I have kept so much inside for so long. All of my A's family and friends encourage him to drink and party. They don't see a problem. It is a way of life for him. They do not see the sadness, the resentment, the bitterness, the loneliness and isolation. And frankly, they would probably be happy for him if I left. I have been a burden to him - keeping him from partying with abandon - in their opinion. Plus I am 5 years older than him. They all see this as a major problem.
After that episode, about a week later, he attended his first AA meeting. I was sick and tired of feeling this way and he said he felt that I was almost done with him. This is why he went. This is why it didn't stick. He was sober for 36 or 37 days and now believes he is cured and can drink socially again. So he is. And I am in panic mode. And he is back fully into denial mode. Fully. And lying. And that cavalier attitude that I have come to loathe.
I am invisible. To him, to his family, to his friends. His friends' girlfriends and wives call him for plans to get together, not me. They email him, not me. Same with his family members. He is the social focal point in our house. Nothing happens that doesn't go through him first.
To complicate things, he has 2 kids from a prior marriage. His ex is a mean, vindictive, greedy person who has and will continue to make our lives miserable in every possible way. Not that it matters that much, but she is another one who resents my presence in my A's life. She is not happy about the fact that I get along with her children, do nice things for them, spend time with them. She is resentful, bitter and angry. And tortures us in any way she can.
My point? I am either invisible or hated by almost everyone in my A's life. What could be worse than that? Well - being invisible and hated by my A. What could be worse than that? Well - allowing myself to remain in that situation and shrink into nothingness.
My A of course would argue with every point I made above. He doesn't agree with nor will almost validate anything I feel. Let alone do anything about it. Oh, he makes the occassional half-assed effort to stand up and/or protest someone's comments or behavior toward me, but it is usually short lived and insincere.
The problem is, I don't know what to do. Five years of isolation and a withering self esteem has left me friendless and without any resources to tap into to feel better, let alone leave him if I wanted to.
I have no family here. My dreams for having a child have withered away (I am almost too old. Maybe I am too old.). But this is one reason why I stayed with him. I wanted a child. The selfish A finally got his vasectomy reversed 3 months ago. Although I was grateful for that, I fear it is too late. And I don't know if I can get past my resentment about that.
I don't know how I'm going to go forward. Every day, every hour, seems like a struggle. I smile half heartedly and try to be semi-competent at my job.
I have heard a lot about detaching. I read a post here about that that struck a chord with me. How do you detach and live with someone? Isn't the point of being with someone to be attached to them? To help each other and support each other? I can detach "with love" I suppose - but how do I continue to love someone that I have to remove the most intimate parts of myself from in order to be with?
Oh I have no idea. It seems as though the happiest people on this forum are the ones that have left their A's. I'm not sure it's possible to be with an A and be happy.
There are many here that are still with their A's and they are the ones who can share their experiences of how they manage to detach with love, stay with their beloved and work this programme.
I am one of those who is no longer with the A and I can tell you it was a very hard call to make. I still feel very sad and lonely and disenchanted that all my dreams came to nothing and that I lost everything, and I mean everything for many many years before I found a sort of acceptance of my situation; and then it took many more years before my children - well one of my children, the other still rejects me - began to include me again after raising them as a one parent family for most of the childhood/and teenage years. However I do have self worth and self respect and a life after the A inspite of the abuse and the alcohol and the rejection of the few family members that were around.
The is my FAMILY now, and you have just walked into the heart of that family too. We are here for you and will support you and hold your hand as you keep coming back to us with your heartache and pain.
No-one will tell you what to do, we are all in recovery, but we have tools and we have a programme and we try to use both as a way to become whole again. You will find respect and self worth here and sharing.
It is good to read that you are attending f2f meetings, you need to keep on with them. Real hugs are better than cyber hugs. Read the literature and take care of you.
You did not cause this, you cannot control this, and you cannot cure this as far as the A is concerned but you CAN CHANGE YOU AND YOU CAN RECOVER AND YOU CAN LEARN TO DETACH WITH LOVE if you work the programme, read the literature, go to the f2f meetings and keep coming back here.
(((((cyber hugs)))))) Heart
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I understand how you feel. My self esteem was nil when I started almost 2 yrs ago in this program. I'm glad you have found f2f meetings. They are wonderful.
I have feeding to get out to, but wanted to respond to your post. I am one who has stayed with my AH. We are currently separated, but we are working things out and have no plans for divorce. I won't go into real detail. That would take a long post. Let me just say that it has taken a log time and effort on my part, but I am learning how to be happy again. You can click on my name and read all of my posts. That will tell you a lot about my story/struggle.
Just know that you are affected by a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. You didn't get here in a day, so it takes time to heal. But if you work at it, you can be happy again.
Keep coming back.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The phenomenon you are talking about is called "splitting" where people are either all good or all bad in the A's life. For me the issue was to split apart the "we" and concentrate on the "I". I longed for the "we" and had a hard time giving that up. I wouldn't necessarily say the happiest people here are those who left. There are some of us who are in some sense still leaving for some of us "leaving" takes years.
I know full well how it is to hold onto a few dregs and believe there is nothing else out there. There is. I also know it is a long long slog for some of us. Nevertheless the program is worth it.
Denver - so sorry you're going through all of this - but you've definitely found the right place. It's wonderful that you've found face to face meetings and I encourage you to read as much al-anon literature as you can get your hands on.
When you said, "This disease has really destroyed me", it tells me that you've really gotten in touch with the reality of the matter. Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects EVERYONE in its path. No-one is spared. I'm learning to try and not take this so personally. For the longest time, I thought I could "love" it away, or "fix" it, or somehow be more appealing than the alcohol. I was sorely disappointed - over and over and over.
You sound very grounded in your thinking. Though everyone around the A may be engaged in this denial or defense of him, you are the one that is living with him every day. You see the progression. You're not crazy.
And you're not invisible. Those of us in Al-Anon meetings and on this board hear you loud and clear. And we know what you're going through. And we understand.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself first. And keep coming back.
As I remained in this place with him and allowed my life, my dreams, my hopes and my self worth go slowly down the toilet.
This is the beauty of Al-anon. You can fix you. You can create new hopes and dreams. You can rebuild your self-worth. My dreams used to be a lifelong marriage with an equal partner, well-adjusted kids, happiness in my career and everyday life. It has changed and I look forward to a new set of dreams and hopes for my future. I spent a lot of time beating myself up - for putting up with as much as I did, for having sex with someone who was drunk and didn't respect me, for ignoring all the red flags. But, I have learned to thank God for this experience. I don't regret my 15 year relationship with my AH. I have 2 beautiful kids to show for it. It has made me me. I have spent the last 4 months focusing on me, from something as small as not asking permission to go to the grocery store to something as large as applying for out-of-state jobs. All of this focus has been building my self-worth. Yes, I have my bad days but they are becoming fewer and far between and usually happen when I focus on the AH. It has helped me to build boundaries to make the decision to leave the room if an argument takes an aggressive tone or to sleep in the other room when a drunk AH is snoring. Sometimes the smallest gestures can lead to big changes in yourself. Please keep posting.
I am one of those who has chosen to stay with my AH. When I first started AlAnon, I was like you, with seemingly no way out of my situation. It was hopeless, and I felt trapped.
Since that day, I have immersed myself in this program. My AH is still drinking at least 4 out of 7 days, but it doesn't affect me like it used to.
I have learned that I didn't cause him to drink, that I can't cure him and I also can't control anything about him. I have also learned to detach from the situation with love. As I have changed myself, I have become happier with myself, and also with my life.
You have come to the right place. Most of us have been through the same or simliar experiences as you have. We are always here for you. Welcome to our family.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thank (((((you))))) all so much for your encouragement and kind words. It means a lot to me.
I am still struggling with this whole thing, but from what I'm hearing, my struggles are not unusual or unresolvable. That is a good thing.
I don't know what I'll do yet - and I'm working on detaching - with love - but it is so much harder than those 3 words convey.
Somewhere in the past 5 years I have lost myself to this disease. I truly don't know how I'm going to get back to where I want to be - to who I know I really am - without leaving him.
He is drinking again. And now is talking about it now like it's matter-of-fact. "Let's go celebrate with a bottle of wine." It's as if it all never happened. As if the last 5 years of alcoholism in our house never took place. As if I don't feel the way I do. I think it's called denial. He thinks (now) that he can keep it under control if he doesn't drink at home - last week it was "I won't drink within 24 hours of seeing you" then went to a bar with a friend on Tuesday after work and guess what - saw me within 15 minutes of drinking. Another broken promise. It only took a few days to forget that. And I'm sure it'll be a short time before he's back to 6 days a week. (sigh) Why does this make me feel so bad? Like alcohol won over me. I fight an inanimate object and lose.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him. And my friend (I have one friend who lives in another state) is tired of hearing me complain about him and do nothing.
If I didn't have Alanon to turn to I'm not sure what I'd do. I hate that I even have to be here. I hate this disease. But it is a part of my life now. And one way or the other I'll have to deal with it or it will kill me.
I hope I can find some answers here & in the books & meetings.
Oh how your story is so closely mirroring my own. Similar with the AH, similar with the stepchildren, similar with the driven need to have a child. Are you sure you aren't me??
I began Alanon in late November 2007 at the suggestion of my sister-in-law because of my AH and his Aism and addiction issues in general. For the last few months, I have got to work on me. Amazingly enough, I have seen some new changes in my thoughts and needs--taking care of me.
I have alot of resentments/bitterness of what I think should be 'given' to me as a wife. I figured that if my AH can be so needy, why can't I?!? Well, using the program and slapping myself into the reality of what is truly my life, I've squared away some of those resentments--and other resentments are a weekly if not daily battle.
You have to want it bad enough to change it. And I want it. Try, as best as you can, to let all of your anger and resentment for your marriage go. Your AH is in charge of his own needs and that includes his part-time soberness/denial/recovery. You get to work on you--that means rebuilding your dreams, hopes, desires and making you something you like. You matter! Fight for it...need that....and fight for it--you are worth it and SOOO not alone in the battle.
We are all similar---similar wants, needs, desires....but here on in MIP we share more. We share the common thread of fighting against Aism. You aren't alone and you have many supporters here.
Keep posting!
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
) I have been living with an active alcoholic for the past 5 years and have watched helplessly as I remained in this place with him and allowed my life, my dreams, my hopes and my self worth go slowly down the toilet.
