The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have struggled with weekends lately - AH is around more and I have much to learn yet re: al anon tools. But as I struggle I have learned a couple important things. 1- no matter how little or big, silly or serious- this MIP family is here for each of us including me. That is the most awesome & humbling one of all the rest below. Thank you!
2- out of each frustrating weekend I learn more and it seems like tiny baby steps, too little to even report on, yet it will help me to write it down, organize it in my head and perhaps help someone else.
By talking to others, I have really learned that I need to think about boundaries that really matter to me and can actually be accomplished with AH. I can't demand AH at least gets therapy just because I feel like I am doing all the work by being in al anon & he refuses any treatment or AA. He has to want therapy just like he has to want AA help etc.
I can't demand no fires in the fireplace when he is drinking so I can go to bed before he does without worry - he forgets things often or might do it in spite but I can go to bed when I feel all is safe instead of always being the last to sleep.... ie 3am sometimes & up at 6am to get kids to school so my recovery suffers with lack of sleep. I can turn some of this to my HP and odd, but I've noticed there have been no fires started during this past week with below zero temps - perhaps HP has already been taking care of this one & I didn't notice in the chaos of my worries.
I can't demand he buys a new car rather than sink money into repairs of an unreliable car. His brakes went out this wkend and thank God, it was on a country road rather than highway and no kids in the car plus he wasn't injured. But I can refuse to ride in that car and have the boundary that the kids don't ride in that car.
I've learned to not just look at relationship issues of kids & I with AH. We've been dealing with these mental health & relationship issues for 9 years due to kids crisis and I had blinders on to other concrete things like the different levels of safety and finances. I am more aware now.
3. It does work if you work it so I need to stay calmer and use tools during these crazy weekends or leave on adventures with the kids. Though I feel warmer & more appreciative of him when he interacts with kids more, I realize the lack of relaxation for him (kid stuff is exausting for him) has appeared to make the need for even more alcohol increase. Not that I will protect him but that I don't have unrealistic expectations.
Also, I need to find Joy and hold tight even in the storms. I like this:
"The Bible demonstrates repeatedly that joy can be our companion - even during life's worst moments. "Life need not be easy to be joyful. Joy is not the absence of trouble but the presence of an HP." We've all known believers who understood that truth. Despite hard times they were filled to overflowing with joy. Tell the truth - is anything more eye-catching or more attractive than that?
Whatever your current difficulty, the more you are convinced of HP's unconditional love for you, and the more you are committed to loving him in return by obeying all that he commands, the more you will know the supernatural joy of Jesus."
I've always wondered how folks can be so happy when I know they have such struggles to bear.
4. In a winter storm I was deciding whether to take the highway or the city streets, I asked HP and green light meant the highway but red light meant the city streets. Kind of a routine I've used for a long time. But what I heard in the silence from my HP was more like, You ask me about street lights but you don't ask me about the big questions like your marriage. hmmm, got my attention and realized I thought I had to do my share of the work but I am doing too much so I will finally close and go spend some time listening to HP. Another thing I've learned lately to another level of understanding. Besides, I need some more joy in my life too.
Wishing you all more joy. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I will also welcome more joy and will accept any, at any time, however much there is on offer.
Wishing you joy in your life too.
Here are some places that I find joy, and perhaps you will too.
I look at nature on a daily basis and never cease to find joy there. A bird on my bird-feeding station, a sign that winter is easing and spring is nearer, a glimpse of sunshine in the sky after days of dark, rain storms and wind, hearing a bird song, or a child's laughter. A smile on someone's face, especially a child's never ceases to bring me joy and what'smore the realisation that I HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE TOO.
Beautiful share (((((((ddub))))))
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Hi ddub, thanks for this post; it reminds me that we are brought to precisely where we need to be. It is no accident that we find ourselves where we are each day. I just got some emails from my AH and I took some time to really ask HP for help in replying to them. I came up with respectful, honest and loving responses to sarcastic, distorted angry emails that made no sense. There is no way I could have done that w/o HP. On my own, I would have either completely ignored them or been sarcastic and mean back, both which would have escalated the situation/discussion and would have been the exact same thing I always have done. HP only goes where HP is invited. I loved what you said about the traffic light. Through this program we learn to slowly trust HP more and more- begin with the route to take and eventually you will turn over more parts of your life. Its a slow progression and that is healthy. Trust is earned- even from our HP's, I believe. We gotta learn to trust and you are learning to trust your HP, one day at a time.
By having a closer relationship to my HP and passing things off to HP, I am finding that there is a presence inside of me of HP- HP is taking up residence, it seems! There is this person there who is calm, balanced, mature and thoughtful and loving. She is able to soothe the fearful child in me if I can just stop and let them interact as opposed to heading gung ho into known "bad" behavior territory. Sure I get scared and experience fear- all the time- but there is this force in me now. She is there to gently and lovingly hold that terrified child. I guess this is my HP or some entity of my HP that HP has placed in me.
I am so thankful for this program. I do not know what will happen but I am no longer so invested in outside outcomes, situations, people, places and things. HP takes center stage. Hugs, J.
