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I have talked to the A for the past couple of days and last night he mentioned he might drop by and see me and our child. I told him to call first. After I got off the phone I text messaged him back to be sure to call as I was expecting company. I wasn't really expecting company, but didn't want to have him over and yet didn't want to say no. My cousin responded that it is just a shame that he thinks he can come by and see us whenever he wants and that if I, the one who always believes in him, told him I was done with him and didn't want him to see me or Dylan that it might wake him up and actually help him. What do you all think?
If you decided to go No Contact with the A you have to do it for you. Because you need to for your safety and sanity. To do it to get some reaction from the A will not work. I mean, in my experience it never worked. And in all of the experiences I have heard in these rooms, it has never worked. It is just a form of manipulation and control. I put the focus back on myself and did what I needed to do for me and my kids. I took him out of the equasion, well, he took himself out. We can't control it. No matter what others say, we have no control over what the A does or does not do. No expectations. Do what is best for you and your child and it will all work out the way it is supposed to.
If I had a nickle for every time I did something that I was sure was going to wake him up I could buy a new house.
One thing I have learned in my f2f meetings is that "NO" is a complete sentence. Learning to say it when we feel it is the right thing to do may take some time. But I have learned that when I am questioning whether or not to do something then the answer is NO. If it were the right thing to do then I would not be questioning my actions.
The A/DA in my life is my son not my husband so it brings about a whole different set of circumstances. But one thing I have learned is that all of those games I played hoping that this time he would see the light if I just did this one thing were only that games. It doesn't matter one iota what we do to try to convince them to stop, they aren't going to stop until they make up their minds that it is what they have to do for themselves and nobody else.
The one thing we can do is to take care of ourselves. Realize just how sick their illness has made us and take action to be sure that we are going to be ok mentally and physically.
Keep coming back, you are exactly where you need to be.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think it is not wise to tell him he cannot see Dylan as he is Dylan's father and has certain rights unless he has lost both legal and physical custody and has no visiting rights. Remember when we set a boundary we must be prepared to keep it, and you cannot keep this one.
I do not know if a total detachment helps the A or not. I know, at times, I think it could help ME!!! LOL!!
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
"If I had a nickle for every time I did something that I was sure was going to wake him up I could buy a new house."
Amen to that!!!!!! Trying to manipulate the A into some sense of guilt or responsibility, or to make him see the light always resulted in less than spectacular results.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I wasted far too much energy trying to create situations, saying the right things or doing the right things that would finally open my AH's eyes. The only thing I accomplished was that I almost drove myself into a complete breakdown. The active A is not rational and there is no point in trying to get him/her to "see the light" because they cannot. I wish I had learned that lesson years before I did...
I learned the hard way that it is dangerous to try to get a reaction from the A by withholding something he wants without any backup--you never know what that reaction might be. In my case, it got very physical--something that even 6 months earlier I would have said would never happen.
That being said, you cannot control or fix the A--all you can do is take care of you and your child. If the A has parental rights, the law says that you need to honor those until you get a court order changing or restricting them. If you feel your child is in danger of the A, you can seek an order for supervised visitation. If you feel you are at risk from the A, you can seek a restraining order. Whatever you decide, I would encourage you to use the legal system and the protection that it offers if you decide to restrict access to your child. The A can be so irrational--I know, understatement of the year, right??
So what are other options you can explore?? You can draw boundaries that you need to be safe. You can say what you mean, mean what you say, and not say it mean. If you do draw a boundary, you need to be prepared to stick to it because everytime that we back down, the A loses more respect for us and grows stronger in the belief that he/she can do anything they want and we will let them do it.
If you don't have a visitation order in place and he is on the birth certificate, it would be entirely reasonable for you to set up boundaries that might include that he can only come if he is sober, that you meet at a neutral location, that he confirm beforehand that he'll be there and if he doesn't the visit is off, that you set up a schedule, etc...
You have the option to choose to do what you need to do so that you are not living your life waiting for the A to show up, to wake up, to sober up... That is something that we do so well, isn't it...wait?? Thank goodness for this program and the power that it gives us to make those hard choices to live for ourselves and not for the A.
Yours in recovery,
Stacy
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
In my situation, my exAH said that if we cannot be together as a couple, he cannot see me or talk to me. He has chosen the no-contact approach with me for himself. This is more of a relationship thing though vs an addiction to drugs and alcohol thing. Of course, he is treating me the exact same way ..... he has an addiction to coke and no contact to it or those who associate with it is his best hope in staying off of it. He is addicted to me also and that is his approach. If he cannot have all of something, he wants nothing to do with it.
This is good for me actually.....as I feel I can move on with my life now. Before, he was always there and it made it very difficult for me to work on my life apart from him. When I finally told him that I needed him to let me go, that is when I started to feel better about ME and MY LIFE. He does try to call every night or at least every few nights to talk to the kids. But unless I answer the phone when he calls, we don't talk.
You have to make the decisions that suite you the best and let you A make his decisions for his life. Good luck to you. Sincerely, QOD
We all learn by doing. Sometimes I did things about my relatinship with my alcoholic from emotions and other times I did from expanded thought. I listened at meetings, had a sponsor and slowed down and didn't react out of fear and self righteousness or centeredness. While I learned I also changed how I did things with the alcoholic and of course with my other relationships. It's not all about me and what I want. I learned how to use my HP in my decision making and man did that ever work out.
I am not alone I can reach out to others like you did and ask, "Hey what is your experience on the subject." I then can take what I like and leave the rest. I get to choose, I always have. Right or wrong it get the consequence, Alcoholic or not. Might as well go with what consequence I want from the start and make my decision based on that rather than hold myself victim to not using the recovery process. Even not making a choice for now is making a choice.
Like the others, it deoesn't matter if cutting of all ties helps the A. That's not your problem. What matters is if it helps you and your family, bottom line. As for the legal issues with the child, that's between you and your attorney or your A. If the child is in danger from being left with an active A that's one thing. If it's because you are doing it to think it will get him sober, then that's another. Do what is best for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I agree about the cutting off contact helping me not him. I spent 7 years trying to help him, now it's time to help myself! I do know my kids seem better off without the contact too. I have done so many things trying to make him see the light, left and came back so many times I can't even count, filed for divorce, started a new relationship and still took him back. I followed him, said F it and went out drinking myself with friends (imagine my dismay when he STILL wasn't home when I got back and didn't even realize I was gone). Once I QUIT MY JOB, packed up the kids, took all the money, got in the car and just started driving not sure if I was ever looking back or not. I went all over the place visiting people and didn't return his calls for days. I didn't see anything crazy about that at all... He still never learned! LOL
Now I get up go to my jobs every day that I am capable and do the best I can with what I have. No more craziness which I sometimes miss but a lot less pain too!
I have a son who abused drugs/alcohol for less than a year. I was concerned about his behaviour affecting the rest of his life. But isn't that what any parent would do if their child was A or not?
I don't think my son IS alcoholic or drug addicted. I know he's abused it, but I also abused it at his age. I am ok now. I'm neither an alcoholic nor am I drug addicted.
My son and I agreed he would go to a treatment center for mental health treatment. The program he's in was supposed to offer mental health treatment. He has criminal charges and attending the program is a condition of his release. He's been there for 5 months now, and although I've tried, they haven't allowed contact. I'm upset they are not providing the mental health treatment they claimed, and that I can't see him.
Is wanting to remain in contact with my son wrong?
I think if whatever boundaries you place on your addict/alcoholic helps to get them to their bottom........go for it. One comment my son made in rehab is that many of the guys have lost everything. I know it hit him. Sometimes they need to realize they will lose everything they love, because of the drugs or alcohol. It may just be the jolt they need. My son knows if he doesn't remain clean and sober, his family won't have a relationship with him. I will be praying for you. God is bigger than all of this.
This is not a subject that anyone should be giving advice. I think codependant, you should do what you think is best. Set your boundaries and stick with them. You have to do what is best for you and your family, not what is best for someone else. May God give you the strength. Keep the faith......
