The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am not crying now but I was. I don't believe the timing of my AHsober. We were waiting for our son in the military to come with our first granddaughter. Happy to see our son and the baby. So my AHsober left to take our son's car in to the garage. And then he says I left the papers by your stuff. I said what papers? He says you know the "D" papers. I just stared at him and then said you sure know how to hit someone below the belt. He says well you know we have to get this over with in that smirky way that he has. You know it's been three years and I want out. Why can't a grown man say divorce papers?
So I just felt so sad and I say to myself what do I do first, second, and third? I realize that I have no way of not being divorced or saving our marriage or convincing him to come home. It just seems about power and control. And he wants control of his life he says.
I realize that I don't have a plan. I just take it - whatever he dishes out. I know I am better and feel better about myself when I "hit my stride". I realize now that that means when I am in step with my HP. When do I do my best work? And what choices do I have? I can choose to be sad. I can choose to create a plan. I am now choosing to not answer the phone. I just don't want to talk to him. He said read it over and tell me what you think. Like I am casually proofreading a letter he wrote? I guess I can choose to burn them or mark them with my demands or go find a mediator. At times I want to choose to not be me and let someone else take my pain. Hello HP. Are you there for me tonight?
I have gathered my recovery books and my cat Spot and the dogs can stay in tonight. Thanks for listening. I know that I am not alone and many of you have been where I am tonight.
Oh Nancy, I do know how you feel. I got hit below the belt tonight too, actually 10 minutes before I went to a meeting, so I guess it was pretty good timing by HP (different situation, but still emotional for me).
I drove to the meeting and told my HP that I wanted to resign as a mother, just for one day.
I said a lot of other things too on the way.
At least I was down off the ceiling about 20 minutes into the meeting.
It's okay to be sad right now.
I know virtual hugs aren't as good as the real thing, but know that I am sending you a few on the Kansas winds tonight, and will keep you in my prayers ((((hugs))))
DeVon-who's going to bed to crochet and snuggle with dogs and cats :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
When I was in mediation with my AH (we are not divorced YET) and really upset, I called an al-anon friend and she said: YOU HAVE A PROGRAM. And I snapped into it which is exactly what I see you doing and its exactly what you need to be doing right now. NICE WORK!
You have a program and the WORLD WIDE fellowship standing right there beside you. You have the supernatural all powerful invincible wisdom and strength of your HP inside of you. You have everything you need to get through this- you have tools, weapons, whatever you want to call them.
You also have every right to be shocked, to grieve, to not answer the phone. Yeah, that is a GREAT question: Why does a grown man need to say "D" word?!! for the love of god, grow up! what does he think this is- proofreading?! you are totally on target with outrage, I would be also. But let it all blow and then some and then get yourself back on track.
These boots were made for walkin' (are you too young to remember nancy sinatra?). get a lawyer, you have a program, you are a warrior now and we are all right there with you, missy, 100%.
You are working your program and it is great. I know, you feel like crap, its all unjust, etc, but you are working your program and that is brilliant. My thoughts and prayers are with you for continued strength and endurance. Hugs, J.
Oh, I do know where you are at and I am so sorry! I got my papers in the mail just over a week ago. I've looked at them just enough to know what they are. I am not rushing. If a third party (another woman) were not involved, I believe I would have a different attitude. But, since there is, I decided that that best thing I can do (some may call it revenge) is to have a good divorce. By good, I mean only looking out for me and our children.
I too, have been in a situation where I have had no control. My ah has led his double life and I've kept his secrets, all at my expense, in order to protect our children and my ah's reputation/business, since ultimately they are my livlihood and future. Now it is my turn to steer the ship, and I want to take full advantage of it. As far as I am concerned, he picked his poison.
I hope you too, look out only for yourself. I have talked to some who have regretted using mediators and/or that they tried to go out with "dignity". May I suggest you ask around (perhaps even at your al-anon meetings) and get recommendations for a great divorce attorney, and then at least go get a consult? There is so much you don't know about the law and what you deserve. You owe it to yourself to at least research it so you can make the most informed decisions for you. You can give your ah what he wants, but you don't have to make it easy.
In our state , divorce is no-fault and community property (50/50), so it doesn't matter who did what. My husband is under the impression that I am going to go for a "cooperative divorce" (share consultants and no court unless an agreement can't be made), but I am having second thoughts. I have a consult scheduled on Wed with someone who has come highly recommended and will only look out for me. Of course, that is only if I can afford it. Right now, I have no idea how I will pay for it, but I owe it to myself to at least look into it. I am hoping HP will whip out his checkbook (?) or at the very least give me access to my retirement. The outcome will be my future.
Nancy, your HP is with you. Let him hold you tonight. It's okay to be sad, but as my counselor recommended, use the pain and anger to launch you forward into taking control of your life. It is time.
Thinking of you tonight,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Maybe this is the way HP is telling you it's okay to let go. I know that feeling of never wanting to be divorced. There's nothing wrong with that. Keep the kitty and doggies close at hand. It's a cold night and they love unconditionally. We're with you every step of the way. Congratualtions on the grandbaby. I've always thought you were too young to be a grandma! Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
