The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even though I did walk away from my then active alcoholic/addict husband over 20 years ago, I have no doubt that was due in large to my higher power. After completing rehab for my own addictions, I was at least clear-minded enough to recognize that if I were to go back home, he surely would have beaten me to death in one of his psychotic, drug-induced rages.
However, I was not ready to look at my codependency issues for many years after that, and got myself involved in one unhealthy relationship after another.
Then my oldest daughter plunged into her own alcoholism/addictions, despite seeing me in recovery, and I had to hit another bottom, emotionally, this time.
I kept pushing away the need to detach because there was now a precious grandbaby involved, and that worked very much to my daughter's benefit in her entire family enabling her, including me.
Yes, I had grasped some of the Alanon program, but had twisted so many things to fit the insanity that I was living.
My warped interpretation of 'detachment', 'happiness is an inside job', and 'we must focus on ourselves and not the A' somehow turned into the idea that I could handle any situation thrown my way for an indefinite period of time, and that was just not reality.
It wasn't until I was reduced to a sobbing heap of emotional distress, completely drained, who was either going to drink again or blow her brains out that I finally started to listen to my sponsor.
I was told to visualize a rocky pier, jutting out into the ocean, with the waves beating up against it, day after day.
I was the rocky pier, and that ocean was the toxic situation/s in my life.
No matter how strong that rocky pier is (or how strong my program is), eventually that pier begins to erode from the battering of the waves (or the effects of a toxic situation).
The light bulb came on in my head finally!
Today I can accept that there just are certain people and situations that I can NOT expose myself to for any period of time, and still remain intact in my recovery and taking care of self.
I have learned to listen to that small voice within when it tells me I'm beginning to get drained, emotionally bankrupt, and that I do have the power to change what situations I put myself in when it comes to loving sick people, including family members.
Today I am grateful that I can accept my limitations. Today, I try to practice the principals in all of my affairs, including my parenting with the youngest daughter still at home.
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 16:39, 2008-01-20
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Tenderhearts what hope your message conveys, especially to me who relates to that realisation that if I stayed with the A I would have been battered to death or have been a high risk all my life.
That is the one sensible thing that I did all those years ago and I thank God I did.
Like you I still have huge issues and especially with my oldest child, my daughter but like you I will remember to think on...
"Today I am grateful that I can accept my limitations. Today, I try to practice the principals in all of my affairs, including my parenting..."
I have no one at home with me but I have little ones in the form of grandchildren and I can also look at the parenting I still have as long as I am alive and my children are alive. Once a parent always a parent.
Sending you hugs ((((((((((((((((Tenderhearts)))))))))))))))))) and thank you for your share.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
It is a wonderful thing to realize we actually do have limits to what we can handle. I wound up in the hospital and the nurse gave me a pamphlet on domestic violence. I couldn't understand why she gave it to me. It wasn't until I had some recovery to understand that I couldn't handle everything and I wasn't supposed to. What a revelation! Learning to say No can be a lifesaver. Thank you for sharing this topic. It is a great reminder.
yes, i am in the process of evaluating my limitations. I am allowing myself to consider that one of my limitations may be that I cannot live with or be married to my AH anymore. I love him but he is so negative and blaming and critical of me. I am realizing that I was raised with this type of interaction and it is really toxic to be BECAUSE I was raised with this level of harshness and negativity. Its a tough realization but in excellent alignment with me taking care of myself and being led by my HP which is growing in my life. Time to let go of all the things I cannot "do" or handle anymore.
Just recently I found myself with choices about taking the hard way or taking the easy way and realized that in the past, I always thought that taking the hard way was somehow "better" or made me more important, more of a martyr, more admirable in the eyes of others, would earn me more respect, etc. I am learning that no, I need to take the easy way sometimes, when I can and it seems right. Its Ok to take the easy route. I am learning. J.
