The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
smells just as sweet....an addiction by any other name creates just as much havoc. An intense conversation with AH yesterday which in essence falls on me for detaching, not communicating. If he could only understand that if I were to truly communicate it would be full of screaming, expletives, and finger pointing. Yes, I am full of that much anger. I am still working the program, detaching has been my way to deal for now until I can make peace of our 15 years of a roller coaster ride together. He will not admit addiction. He is happy to attach to Ad/hd for now. He has the miracle drug (which is also a form of amphetamine). Add 3-4 red bulls and he is flying high. Ad/hd explains it all.....Does he not realize that I have spent the last 15 years playing junior psychologist, making excuses for his behavior in any which way possible? Now, I am supposed to accept an apology and ad/hd as the excuse. All the crying and pleading fell on deaf ears. He had the cajones to say that we were coasting in our marriage. I was practically begging for him to go out with me, stay home instead hanging out with the guys until 5 in the morning. Yet, "we" were coasting. Yes, I acknowledge a part in MY unhappiness but I refuse to carry the responsibility for the gradual unraveling of our marriage. He wanted for me to read material on ad/hd and I told him it would only make me more angry. It does not matter why the damage has been done, it doesn't change the results. I am so, so tired of it all......
It is when we get "so tired of it all...." that we are open to change. Remember you can only change you. Sounds like you are at that point and you need to stop and take inventory of what it is you are so tired of...what you are going to do to change this for YOU...and remember we are here to support you through this change.
The first three steps are:
1 We admitted we were powerless over [the alcoholic] - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
...you are right...
" 'A rose by any other name smells just as sweet '...an addiction by any other name creates just as much havoc."
The A is in no position to do anything other than deflect negativity because they cannot handle it so of course it will be "WE" and not ME.
You do not need to continue being a junior psychologist, or to make excuses for his behavior...indeed if you stopped doing that you will be putting the ball back in his court and enabling him to chose to pick up the responsibility that is his and NOT YOURS. By not doing this you are enabling him to continue being irresponsible.
It is a horrible dilemma and one that needs courage, but I shall pray that you find the courage to change the cycle of events and LET GO of what is NOT YOURS.
Still struggling to mend - HeartB
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 15:56, 2008-01-20
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Thank you. I needed to read this today. Part of the frustration lies in the fact that I have stopped obsessing about the causes of his behavior. Yet, he is looking for explanations, other than addiction, trying to bring me right back into this thinking that I have worked so hard to shake. God's grace has given me so much strength to make it through the most difficult 4 months of my life. I have gained an unbelievable amount of clarity. I need to view this as one more opportunity to allow the HP into my life. I am making so many changes for myself - for the better. I need to continue with this momentum. Thank you.
