The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spoke to a representative from my landlord yesterday and he said (not knowing I have an evicition on my record gift from the A's acting out) that an eviction stays on your record for 10 years. He was speaking about someone else. I have learned well not to disclose that much about myself to people other than those in recovery. So that means I have 9 years till I can get an apartment without worrying they will turn me down. I'll be retired by then! (not really but someday I hope to). I am still in tremendous debt and there are two debts I can't get to. So in other words my credit is messed up. That's two things a landlord checks, credit and the eviction record. I may as well not try to apply till I can those in some kind of order. So that leaves me stuck renting in marginal situations like the one I am in. Or try to find a room mate share which is easier said than done. I've applied but most of them run for the hills when I say I have two dogs and two cats.
I am exploring my options and I was considering commuting back to a city I lived in for 15 years. The issue is the eviciton record will follow me and I have two dogs and two cats and its pretty hard to find places with that kind of menagerie. I'd have more options if I worked in that city of places I can commute from but its still all a big "if". I will have that black mark, the eviciton on my record and there is no going around it.
There are lots of issues with the house I live in. The room I have is absolutely stifling in the summer. There's a good possibility I can get another room (remember I have to be in the back to be close to the backyard). There are no guarantees though. I can do stuff to mitigate the heat, get the right kinds of blinds etc but the room I have is incredibly small and most of my stuff has to be in storage. I manage but its a hard life to manage I can't have most of my belongings with me. I have to constantly negotiate losing stuff, its like the Bermuda triangle with so much stuff in it. I am living but is really on a basic survival level.
I know I am still very very much in survival mode, looking for a job, looking for a 2nd job, looking for support. I have a better survival mode than I had last year when I didn't have two cents to my name. I'd like to get off survival but it looks like I will be there for a while.
I just feel some days its going to take me years (and I know I was 7 years with the A so obviously I took years to leave him) to get to a place where I can remedy the damage the A did to me, to my credit, to my rental record, to my health, to my self esteem, to my level of trust, to my dogs, to my belongings (he stole most of them saying they were all "his" ), to my being able to move on.
I know I have to start from where I am and I am in a lot better place than I was a year ago. I feel like I'm being punished for having lived with the A. I felt like that day one. I felt like that when I lived with him. I felt like that when I was trying to get away from him. I now know that I'm going to be dealing with this for years. Somehow that doesn't seem fair, after all the pain, agony anxiety I deal with then I am still having to "pay" for his problems.
I explored lots of ways to try to get the eviction off my record. I can't. If the rental market changes it may not be such an obstacle. Nevertheless I am where I am, broke, fed up, stuck, isolated, few resources, failing health, need dental work, need glasses desperately, need friends, need need need need need and more need. And everytime I turn around the specter of what the A did with his drugged out friends (refused to leave when the landlord asked him to) is haunting me and will haunt me for years.
maresie wrote: I know I have to start from where I am and I am in a lot better place than I was a year ago.
Maresie.
Hi Maresie:
While I can understand your pain and frustration, I'd like to encourage you to focus on the fact that your life has improved over the course of the past year.
I read so many times that what we think about expands. I'm sure you have to. I realize that when we have challenges, such as an eviction on our record, it can seem daunting. However, I have found by continutious practice of focusing on what is right with my life that my life is better and better.
I do realize that it is difficult at times. I know you will pull through and grow from your current challenges.
Oh, I'd like to share one little other thing with you: my brother got himself into a real bad fix - he couldn't rent an apartment without me co-signing for him. Then, after a year of "telling the universe" (that is how he puts it, one of his clients offered him a really nice new, big, mobile home to rent. (cheap rent, too) His landlord was seeking someone to take care of it since it was relatively new and on his property. It is in the country. My brothers says it is like a dream everyday waking up in that place. His been there a little over a year.
I'm pretty skilled at survival. I know I will find some way around this. What gets to me is how the A always had me in there getting the punishment while he got all the rewards. He got the cars, he got the Uncle who took him in, he got the money (whenever he could), he got the health care (I have none), he got the stuff (he took it all and put it in storage and made sure it was covered). He made sure he was always taken care of. Sure he is in a real mess, he will probably not be able to work at certain places for a long long time. At the same time I did nothing but support him and what did I get rotten credit, rotten rental history and two dogs (who I adore by the way) and no money to speak of.
I feel bitter and angry towards his dumping all his problems on me and then having to pay for it for 10 years ! Maresie.
It took me 15 years to pay back all the loans my A forged my signature on, and I was so pleased that I had done this that I still smile when I think about it. I am not one for being bitter and I think I have been blessed greatly by not being so. It is too draining and negative for me.
Many of my family and friends thought I was an idiot for not prosecuting my A but as he was the father of our children I could only see that his imprisonment and dishonourable discharge from HMForces would only be more damaging to the children. It was a certainty that that is what would have happened had I pressed charges and that would have done more harm than good, even though it left me in a pretty dire financial straight jacket!
As a result, my circumstances have always been very much reduced, however, I do not need a lot in life. My security, my coming and going and peace of mind are all so much more important than bags of money.
It took me 10 years to stop taking on his problems and being a dumping ground for him, and when I got to be able to change my self appraisal I found life was much more comfortable.
Anger was something I learned to suppress and that was probably not altogether healthy as I am having to face some of the anger issues NOW, however, that being said some of the anger issue simply burnt out or evaporated as I concentrated more on the present and not the past. As he was definitely the past I HAD TO MOVE ON OR SINK.
The other thing that I have learned along this road is that just because I was honourable, and just, and fair, and supportive there is no guarantee that life will be honourable, and just, and fair, and supportive to me.
Credit does not bother me, I can live without it, and in fact would rather save up than run up a credit card - as a banker I always felt that credit cards encouraged one to live beyond one's means, whilst I made sure that my rent was always paid thus building up a positive history over time even though money was short. I have always been good with money and never had an excess of it, but hey one cannot take that with you when you die so as long as I can make ends meet that is okay by me.
Guess I am just trying to support you in the position you find yourself and encourage you that time is a great healer and provider of change. Do not look at the next 10 YEARS, just concentrate on the next six months at a time, or even less if that is too long for you to study.
Thank you Maresie for your esh and for the encouragement that you give me, now it is time for me to encourage you.
Love in recovery Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
HB, I can relate very well to how you navigate your life.
When I decided to separate from my AH (now in recovery), I left our home, he stayed. Now, several people close to use were upset and in disbelieve that I voluntarily left - afterall, they reasoned, he was the guilty one - or so that is how they viewed the situation. I always felt and believe that it took the both of us to make the mess.
When I left, I was to the point where our material things didn't mean anything to me. Actually, I have never been into material things (another thing some of my relatives don't get). Oh, material things are nice, but so unnecessary.
As I grow older, I strive to simplify my life. I truly understand that 'less is more.' I'm so much happier. Feel very free.........
I really find that living in a small apartment rather freeing - free from having to maintain a home, with a yard and all. Oh, I do go out to 'our' home, the home my husband continues to live in. I do some gardening and some household chores. But my husband truly does most of it these days. If we do get back together, I'm not eager to return to 'keeping house.' It's far too much for my needs. However, my husband likes our extra big garage, for he does woodwork (boy, was that ever scary when he drank!) But I won't go there.
Maresie, I do understand what it feels like to feel bitter and angry. Long before the "stuff " hit the fan with my AH, I went through quite a bit with my mother. I used to laugh and tell very close friends that I was "divorcing" her. My mother suffers from borderline personality disorder. It was hell growing up. Around the age of 25, I sought counseling because I felt suicidal. Through a long process, I learned to let her go (detach, actually). But before I knew how, I went through several years of feeling hatred towards her. I refused to see her. Now, I'm at a point where I see that I was hurting myself by hanging on to the past. I learned to let it all go and live in the now. And too, I can look back now and see that all that I went through as a child has made me a better person. I work with children, many who come from severely dysfunctional homes. Because of my past I have a lot of understanding.
Work through your bitterness and anger. A day will come when you see things in a different light.
Of course I think we all look at the future from time to time and perhaps make plans.
However, we can't take advantage of, and find the gratitude in the moment right in front of us if we are always either in the past, or in the future :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It's kinda impossible to find any peace of mind and serenity when I am in the place you are at now. That sucked big time and on top of that I was a genuine depressive to boot! Living in the future didn't and doesn't work so I was taught to stay in the now and I have a grip on that so that I don't let go ever! Being a depressive is bad enough and doing things to keep it fortified can lead me back to fatalism. Don't ever want to go there again. I stay right in the now!
I've had the credit problems and rent problems and housing problems and lost the engine on my car three blocks from getting to the garage I was about to live in and low and behold some guy stepped off the sidewalk to help me push it to the curb as traffic backed up behind me at 3 something in the afternoon. The engine got fixed very inexpensively as one of my first clients was a service manager for a dealership 20 miles out of town and offered to do it and pay for the tow truck to get it there. It cost me 139 bucks which was the least amount from the commission I was paid to get him a mortagage. And then too it was only three blocks from the garage I was going to live in. I didn't have the money to fix it and ride the bus (in my three piece suit) to my new job. I ate humble pie for a while and at the same time put up with 29 degree temperature in the winter and 110+ in the summer with no insulation twix me and the outside world. No hot water and no shower. Toilet and coldwater basin in the closet. I did have a view of the pool and got to clean it when the water turned black to keep the view nice. The neighbors had a problem with drugs and alcohol and my landlady had her problems also that fed over into my life....still I had just one day at a time and I got to work on that part of recovery called being grateful...like grateful that I had an extra heavy blanket during the winter cold and a Higher Power to use it when I was dumb-struck as to what the hell happens now? Then the drug house and whore house two doors down came available after the police and health department cleaned it out and the neighbors came to me asking me to rent it. The manager wanted a good renter regardless of my past and charged me $147 per month for as long as I wanted to be there. Credit problems? He took the chance as a lot of landlords and managers do. I manage property today and compassion happens often. Keep and open mind...get ready for your own miracle and stay in the moment only. I don't recommend ex-drug and whore houses but you are able to check things out. My story gets better along the way with some tragedies and I have learned to call that "life". Life with the program is much much better than without.
I have been married to and addict and lost it all. After that I tried to rebuild with a raging alcoholic and her 5 daughters and thank God for my family that absolutely wouldn't let me proceed until I was free of her. Then they gave in with my next alcoholic who seemed more normal and stable. HAH!! LOL!! I loved them all before I loved myself. Things have changed of course. I don't know what it is like to love another unconditionally unless I can experience loving myself that way.
Get out of the future. Stay in today. Miracles happen all the time and usually go counter to reality and expectations so expect a miracle while you are ready to tantrum. HP works for/wiith me when I abandon myself completely...without reservation. And in the meantime I remain supportive of others desire for recovery. The steps work if you work them. The slogans work if you use them often. The suggestions work because they come from others and not our own pain. Of course HP works always in spite of credit, inspite of rental history, inspite of ourselves; HP works always. Abandon yourself to your HP. and keep coming back.
Thank you for your solace. I recognize I have a part in getting myself to this point. I never did manage HALT at all. One reason I stayed with the A was I could not manage lonely. I know I also live in fantasy rather than reality. This is a reality I do not like but I have certainly been in worse places. Living with the A was one of them.
