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Well, he didn't go to rehab. Apparently his mom drove to get him out of jail. Granted he is 37. She ask him if he would go to rehab. He said yeah if she wanted him too. Said also he thought it would look good in court- go figure. Told her he didn't think he really needed it- that he knew what to do he just didn't. Anyway, she said he convinced her that she didn't need to spend the money on it. When I spoke to her prior to her going she was already talking about money and what if it didn't work and was he really that bad, etc.. Let me clarify that he is not just an alcoholic. He is an IV drug user with Hep C. He looks awful. I feel certain he will overdose soon. I just couldn't believe she asked me if he was really that bad. When we talked about the expense. I just said they had spent so many thousands of dollars buying lawyers, etc, that wouldn't it be better spent toward rehab. She quickly retalitated that she didn't know why I thought they were obligated to send him to rehab. I said I never meant she was obligated just that it would seem to me a better option than spending twice as much bailing him out again from jail in 3 or 4 months. I have never been in support of them bailing him out of jail anyway. She went on to talk about her retirment, etc, and I empathized. His dad is very wealthy- owns a liquor store, etc. While he has never played a role in their lives he did buy the brother a house and does pay many of A's legal bills. I suggested she speak to him and she said she would- though I could tell she wasn't a big believer in rehab anyway. Needless to say I wasn't shocked when she said he didn't go. She just gave him a little money and he left alone again to "head south." I could feel the relief from her on the phone that he was going. I can't help myself- I am angry. I feel like their was a window of opp there- he said he was willing to go. I just don't understand as a mother how she could not have taken that opp when it is so obvious that he is killing himself. She always seems to avoid the truth of the matter and just deals with the consequences as the crop up. She is a good grandmother to my child and I don't want to stay angry. I just need some perspective. What do you all think? Does rehab work? Does the person have to be sure they need it to work? Am I just looking for someone else to blame besides him because I actually felt sorry for him again- as if he had been abandoned. Like maybe he never got real direction from the beginning as he has had these issues since adolescence. I don't want to be judgemental. I guess I want someone to say that despite his current heavy addiction to drugs and possible liver failure that he knows what he is doing and should make those choices by himself. I just don't feel that way right now. I feel like he doesn't have a clue about reality and the people who love him and get the opportunity- ie he was willing- to get him at least detoxed and in a program should- whatever the financial cost. Please don't be upset with me for being judgemental. I just needed to get these off my chest and vent!!
I'd like to share a few things with you as the mother of an adult alcoholic/addict.
First of all, I completely understand your being upset.
It was one thing working an Alanon program and remaining detached from the alcoholic ex-husband, but it was a whole new ball game when it was a child of mine.
I think it's almost automatic to feel some sense of guilt when our children veer off the path. It brings up the question 'Where did I go wrong'?
For me, I wasn't capable for a long time of taking an HONEST look at my parenting, realizing I had made mistakes, but that I was NOT the cause of my daughter's addictions.
Instead, my mind would take me to the 'it's all your fault' mode of thinking, and that was just too painful.
Therefore I could not fully accept just how serious the situation was with my daughter for years.
That was my coping mechanism.
Does that make any sense?
Today, I have faith that God does have a plan for each and every one of us, that things are as they should be.
That brings me comfort and peace of mind.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Yeah, I'd suggest looking at her as yet another person who needs alanon - someone coping as best she can (and maybe not that well) with the stress of a loved one's drinking. We've all been there, lord knows.
I had a similar reaction from the A's mother this past year. The A was heading for homelessness. I kept asking her to say something she did not want to get involved. Inevitably she did once he went to live with the Uncle, her former husband(she was a widow). I felt she had to look "good". I think now having some respite from all of it she was looking for a way not to have to be invovled. I think everyone gets overwhelmed around some acting so self destructively. I also think we want to assume responsibilty for them.
I had a lot of angry, mean, nasty, intrusive stuff about the A's mother. I blamed her a lot. To think now she has been dealing with him for decades gives me some respite. I think its pretty hard to be around people who are hugely codependent myself. They are in denial, they under react (do nothing) or over react, rescue, blame, mother the whole works. That's why so many of us need help.
I have to say though this past Christmas when I did not have to deal with the A I was so relieved not to have to deal with his mother. I think she felt entitled after having bailed the A out for years to being treated like family. I am sure she has tons of resentment.
I can go in for feeling I need to save the A's life. All I can tell you from my point of view is when i'm there I'm highly irritable, controlling, desperate, upset and in fear.
I'm certainly not nonchalant about where the A is. I just absolutely know I am powereless.
The issue is with your A that there are detoxs that dont' cost an arm and a leg. Some of them may not be too nice but in theory if you dig deep you can get detox from a facility that is state run or charity run. It can be difficult to get a bed but people do. The A I was with put me through similar stuff. He was staving and homeless but wanted to be totally catered to.
I feel for you when I was in the place of being worried to death it was the most extraordinary pain.
You are now in the first three step territory. If you don't have a copy of our twelve steps the first three are;
1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, alcoholic/addict etc.) and that our lives had become unmanagable. 2. Came to believe that a POWER GREATER than OURSELVES (my emphasis) could lead us to SANITY (again mine). 3. Made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Those are the first three of our twelve steps. Do you relate from where you are at right now?
Those being caught up in this cunning powerful and baffling disease are him, you, his mother, father, children, legal systems, cops, jailers etc etc etc. The disease has got all of you and an untold number of others who's stories you have not heard and who do not post on this board. I know your anger is from frustration. Let it go and let God have it. Use patience and the program suggestions.
Doesn't he know? Alcoholics and addicts are not stupid. They are addicted to a fatal disease and if it is not arrested by total abstinence he will die from it and others might also. He knows what the disease is doing to him, his wife, children, mother, father etc etc etc; and he cannot stop by himself because the pain of being without the chemicals is greater than the pain of using them. When he gets "Sick and tired of being sick and tired" he will make the attempt to stop. Hopefully another recovering alcoholic/addict will be at his side when he does and will offer him a chance and the program that he followed to get sober and clean. He will not be able to do it on his own at this stage. God is trying to intervene and the drug is blocking it out for now.
Does rehab work. Most programs work if you work them. Rehab programs that use the spiritual 12 step pattern work better than others. But no, rehabs have a low percentage of success on the whole. The most successful method is social model 12 step program; such as AA, NA, CA, ... Al-Anon.
The person needs to be honest that they cannot control their drinking and using and have to be willing to do what ever is necessary that is suggested and modeled to them.
You are angry because you are frustrated and clueless as to how to make this whole thing quiet down and go away. You are angry because you are caring and it's not working. You are angry because you are feeling hopeless, helpless, confused, fearful and alone. You are angry and we all got that way too before we found out and came to believe...We are powerless but....God is not.
Get a copy of the steps if you do not have them. You can find them here. Get as much literature as you can and read, read, read about this disease and you. They are all good!! A merry-go-round called denial is and eye opener. I needed eye openers when I first got here...I was soooo clueless. I thought I needed a lobotomy to find some relief but that would have been to permanent.
You're not being judged. You are being viewed with compassion by those of us who have been there, where you are at. It is not hopeless and you are not helpless. You have this program if you want things to get better for you.
I remember being sooo mad at my A's mother, too. But with almost 2 yrs in this program, now I can see her for the imperfect, also an A, mother doing the best she knew how, that she is. Now I know that her heart breaks every time she hears of him in trouble. It was so much easier to just believe his lies, so much less painful. Heck, I did it myself for years. Now as I try to work my 7 year old son through HIS codependency (oh yes, he is very codependent), I see my mil's side of some of this.
Sometimes my heart aches for her, she is not in a program. So I turn it over to HP. I hope someday the time will be right and we can reach out and share recovery with her.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Codependent - I understand the anger and frustration. But from what you said, he doesn't sound really all that committed to working a program at this time. Years ago, my A's parents drained their retirement and sent him to rehab out of state. He told me that he drank on the plane ride back home. He wasn't ready. They lost their retirement. And I'm sure by that point in the saga, they had already lost so much more. It's hard (psychologically, emotionally...and in every other way) to watch your child stumble. And we all know how it feels to enable and "wish away" their disease. Your mother in law is caught up in both of those - and now she's being asked to risk herself financially. I can understand her struggle. As someone posted earlier.....ya just got to remember that she's another person who so desperately needs al-anon.
Thanks for all of the feedback. I have been trying to detach for the past couple of days and do feel somewhat calmer about the situation. I am just trying to seperate myself from all of them for a while and just try to focus on me and my child. I did get the steps off ebay and am starting with step one. I must also confess that in times like these I often do things to help me deal including "going out" myself which then only compounds the anxiety. For this I also have offer myself some compassion and forgiveness- trying to be patient with myself and my imperfections and offer myself the acceptance and understanding that I give to the A.
Well, he didn't go to rehab. Apparently his mom drove to get him out of jail. Granted he is 37. She ask him if he would go to rehab. He said yeah if she wanted him too. Said also he thought it would look good in court- go figure. Told her he didn't think he really needed it- that he knew what to do he just didn't. Anyway, she said he convinced her that she didn't need to spend the money on it. When I spoke to her prior to her going she was already talking about money and what if it didn't work and was he really that bad, etc.. Let me clarify that he is not just an alcoholic. He is an IV drug user with Hep C. He looks awful. I feel certain he will overdose soon. I just couldn't believe she asked me if he was really that bad. When we talked about the expense. I just said they had spent so many thousands of dollars buying lawyers, etc, that wouldn't it be better spent toward rehab. She quickly retalitated that she didn't know why I thought they were obligated to send him to rehab. I said I never meant she was obligated just that it would seem to me a better option than spending twice as much bailing him out again from jail in 3 or 4 months. I have never been in support of them bailing him out of jail anyway. She went on to talk about her retirment, etc, and I empathized. His dad is very wealthy- owns a liquor store, etc. While he has never played a role in their lives he did buy the brother a house and does pay many of A's legal bills. I suggested she speak to him and she said she would- though I could tell she wasn't a big believer in rehab anyway. Needless to say I wasn't shocked when she said he didn't go. She just gave him a little money and he left alone again to "head south." I could feel the relief from her on the phone that he was going.