The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just came home from taking my husband to yet another medical appointment. I have supervised all the preparation here at home for this CT, did all the arranging, etc. When we got home today with him weak and just dying to get to his recliner and sleep some more, I sat trying to make a grocery list. He chimed in with all he needed. And me....I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears yet again. Things just keep happening. I am totally emotionally dead and out of control. My only response to anything is to collapse in tears, go to the privacy of my office or bedroom, and sob until I am exhausted.
Yesterday I had to handle some unpleasant things with my son. Had to because it involved some financial arrangements we had made which we are now undoing since the divorce. We are having to protect ourselves. It wasn't a good feeling.
Then there are the phone calls from doctor's offices, labs, insurance companies. I take them all. Last night at 10 I turned off the ringers because a relative was calling from out of state to tell me about my sick mother. I found two more calls from her as late as 11:15 last night. I had already dealt with my sick mom and with dad yesterday as I do each day with daily calls. Things keep happening.
I am filled with dread and anxiety as I get up each morning. I want to pack my bags and run run run. I know that I didn't receive the psychological work I needed after my cancer treatment. Everyone just thinks "well, she survived chemo, she survived her surgery, she survived her radiation.....she's up and about and ready to be normal". I am far from it. I feel the sword hanging over my brain which says "recurrence 50% in first two years", "more chemo", "more surgery", "you will never walk correctly again", etc etc. My eyesight has been affected by the chemo. My fingernails are ridgy and weak. The brusing of the skin is constant. The taste of food is different. Great to be 30 pounds lighter than I was last February, but still wearing the same old clothes...now they just look baggy and ugly on me.
I don't know why I am writing all this. I just know that going to the grocery gives me panic attacks and I have to force myself out onto the road, into the traffic, and into the store. By the time I finish and come home, I am unfit for one more thing. I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. And the loss of my grandchild, my own son, my former daughter-in-law, and my spouse who is now so different.....more than I can handle. Add the alcohol issues which come up periodically (thank God, not daily), and I can't stand it. My counselor(s) have told me to "walk away.....take care of yourself.....count your blessings...could be worse...all in your attitude to it....can't control it....not your business....etc etc etc". Good, I wish I could take their advice. Since I can't what it there to do to get myself in control and feel like I am the woman I used to be. It all started with the move here in 2005 and there has been no let-up since. There have been few to no happy satisfying days. I just don't know what to do and don't really think anyone else does either. Life is misery for most people, I think. I see and hear it all around me. I know it is for me. And I apologize for the pitying rant. But at least now I have stopped crying and can go to the grocery if I force myself. So off I go.
Well life is not miserable for me, difficult yes, miserable now. I know it was for ever when I could not set limits with others. I found it very very painful. What can you do to create some respite for yourself. Is there anything. I know for me when people suggest stuff it seems like a lot of effort sometimes. Then I get around to it like going to ftf meetings I am determined to go now. I think for many of us when the change is so so needed its when we feel it the worst, we are no longer in denial and needing to change.
I do think it is hard to just up and walk away from the A but you can set limits. Start with small ones and build up. And rest if you can. Do you take anti depressants. I take the Sam-e but these days I am open to taking an antidepressant.
I am so sorry you have this to go through, Oma. You are in a pressure cooker situation, dear. Of course you can't stop crying. I cried what seemed like non-stop for months about anything and nothing. It is absolutely normal for some of us to have that type of reaction to this disease. We are so overloaded emotionally. I just did not know how to say no to anyone. You sound like you have become the dumping ground for more than just your sons Aism and divorce. Unless there is a bonafide emergency, there is no earthly reason that your family members should be calling you at 10:00 at night or even later.
It takes time to figure out, set, and learn to enforce boundaries, but that is why our program says to "practice these principles in all our affairs". We learn to use the tools with every relationship, not just the A in our lives. And eventually we teach them to the children.
So cry, dear Oma. Cry all you need to get it out. Then find something you can do for yourself to help you feel better. Take a long warm bath, turn off the ringer for a couple of hours in the evening, whatever you need even if only for a few minutes at a time.
We are here for you.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Whew, you have alot on your plate. I am told that when we can't take care of ourselves we are codependent. Good advice from the counselor. Maybe work on boundaries. Is your high power working this weekend? Just a thougtht.
Do you have a senior services around there? Some people get help from their fifties on up.
I was young, no cancer and had to deal with all my AH's stuff when the tumor was found, brain surgery etc. I cannot imagine hon how you can do this.
sr. services can help with transporting your husband and you if you feel you need to go.
there are people who will deliver meals on wheels.
I feel from your posts you are spiritually starving. If we don't have a way to refresh and be encouraged by faith, makes things very hard. I am not talking just religion.
That spiritual thing you are crying out for when you sob.
I have been going thru such a depression. I found remembering,"everything will be ok no matter what" is helping me.
Counselors are good, however maybe you need a psychologist or psychiatrist who can address your needs and give meds. He or she is a medical doc. so they would understand the med. aspect of your body as well as mental.
It is all weighing on you.I do know stress is NO good on anyone. I have to say I am sad about your family too. to see your mate feeling so awful, and sons disease tearing him up and his child is so hurtful.
makes my tummy hurt for you as I write this.
Are you sleeping? YOu may need a sleep test. I tell ya, you need LOTS of sleep dealing with all this.
Can you afford to have a taxi take you to get groceries?
I go once a month, spend two hundred bucks and it lasts usually a month plus. I do not like to shop. I take forever reading ingrediants, fat content, sodium, and look for unhealthy stuff.
I stick to fresh stuff and not in a box. make my own stew or whatever.
PLEASE feel very welcomed to spill it. We are here for you. It is a safe place, and this is what it is for,among lots of things.
What state are you in Oma?
I am so glad you stayed here and let us get to know you. hon what do you do for fun?
I know my being on anti depressants has saved my life. All the dang grief I have had since I was in my late twenties, I can never get over anything. sure do my best.
so don't feel bad for feeling so crummy. You have every right. i just hope we or I can help you somehow.
If I was where you are, I would offer to make phone calls to get you help.
"And me....I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears yet again. Things just keep happening. I am totally emotionally dead and out of control. "
(((((((((((Dear Oma)))))))))))))
Just reading these two sentences tells me that you are NOT emotionally dead.
You are emotionally drained again and again and again; and I relate to that. You are physically drained of strength and energy and thinking. You are pyschologically exhausted.
And it is no wonder that you feel out of control. Anyone would be going through all of this if you have no backup.
By back up I mean emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually and you come over as having NONE of these at this time. I agree with Debilyn and know just how important that ALL of these are. Where is your HP in all of this? Are you handing any of this over?
Take the phone off the hook, set some boundaries, you are HUMAN, not SUPERHUMAN. Ask for help for YOU, transport for your husband to and from hospital appointments, home help and respite care so that you can take time out for you; and get help and counseling for your own health situation, that is soooo important sooooo very helpful and if you ask for the respite care for your husband so that you can get that time and rest for yourself you will begin to feel that you have some control of your life...you, I am sure qualify for some of these, but if you are anything like me half my problem was I did NOT know what help there was let alone what help I might be eligible for.
Admit you are powerless, believe there is a power greater than yourself who can restore you sanity and turn your will and life over to the care of your chosen HP.
This needs an active decision or two and then go do the practical things to engage all the help available to you. I can promise that once you have gone through these actions you WILL begin to feel more in control and hopeful and not out of control and hopeless.
In the meantime I will keep you in my daily prayers and ask for guidance and strength and courage to enable you to go through these first three steps and get the help you so richly deserve.
Heartbroken.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 12:04, 2008-01-19
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
You know the preflight tlalk they give you on an airplane, where they tell you to put the oxygen mask on your own face first, before helping anyone else?
It sounds like you are taking care of everybody, but nobody is taking care of you. So, since, sadly, there is nobody to care for you, you will have to do it yourself. Otherwise, you will eventually just not be able to go on, and then who will do everything you are doing? Make sure you take as goo care of yourself as you do of everyone else on your list, and put your name right near the top.
As you are finding, when you stretch yourself beyond your limits, those feelings of love and caring that you have for those you are caring for turn to resentment. You are not a saint, nor are you superhuman, and you just can't keep giving and giving without getting anything back. It exhausts you, and makes you bitter. And bitter, resentful giving is no good to either side - I've been there, I know this.
You've gotten some good suggestions on where to go for help, I've got a couple more - The doctor or hospital where you got your cancer treatments can put you in touch with cancer patient support groups, or you can just call up your nearest health unit and ask. Contact the local high school. These often have classes on life management or community living, that kind of thing, and a part of that is offering a helping hand in the community. There might be a program where the kids shovel walks, run errands, etc. Organizations like Boy Scouts do this type of thing too, sometimes. Do you belong to a church? Talk to your pastor. That is what they are there for. Inspirational reading. Ten minutes at the beginning of every day can make an enormous difference to the quality of your day. The alanon books Courage to Change, and ODAT are pefect for this, they have daily short readings that only take a couple minutes. You can buy them from links here on the site, or borrow them from the library, or buy or borrow them from your F2F. A subscription to the Forum, the alanon magazine, is also good. It's not very expensive - I pay $16 a year for mine in Canada, and it will be cheaper to those in the States. There is probably a seniors centre or drop in nearby - they will have information about community services that you might not think of. Just go in and read the bulliten board and see what you can find. Indulge yourself. Buy the good tea, take an extra five minutes to drink it while looking out the window at the bird feeder, or whatever feels like a small indulgence to you. Fold that load of laundry AFTER you've watched the sunset, buy the nice smelling hand soap, stop for ice cream on the way back from the doctor..... It doesn't cost a lot or take a lot of time to give yourself some small luxuries, and it makes a big difference.
You won't follow all of these suggestions, obviously, but maybe some of them can give you some ideas on ways to lighten your load.
"Since I can't what it there to do to get myself in control and feel like I am the woman I used to be. "
((((((((Oma))))))))))))
When I read that particular statement my heart went out to you, as it always does, but even more so. Dear lady, you will never be the woman you used to be. You have gone through too much and can only grow and learn from those things. So, just embrace the woman you are now. You are in a valley and it's in the valley's we grow. Believe me, I have been in valleys many times and I have learned to just let go of what I wish could have been and try to realize there is a power greater than myself that is in control and I can give my problems to him and He will help me to endure and show me the lesson I need to learn during those times. You are a wonderful caring woman. Love that woman, learn who that woman is and look only at today, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Today is a gift.........just unwrap it and enjoy it. Some gifts are not as wonderful as others, but they are all good, if we learn to just take a deep breath and know that we are alive and we have a right to enjoy each day we get. We matter and we can choose to love ourselves. Love yourself just as you are and know that you are growing and learning through every painful moment you are going through. It won't be wasted. My son is an addict and doing beautifully now, but it hasn't always been that way. I know your pain, I have felt your pain, but I know that I have learned from it all. I have grown through it all and so has my son. You can, too. Embrace the woman you are, dear Oma. You are special.......just as we all are. You are in my prayers.
I wish I had some sure fire advice to give you but I'm afraid the advice you have already gotten would probably mirror mine. I tell you what worked for me. I quit feeling like I was mean for not doing everything for everyone or I just accepted that I'm going to feel guilty and feel like I'm being mean but it'll pass. It did pass and now my life is SO SO SO much better. You absolutely have to take care of you first or nothing will change. Like you said things keep happening and that won't stop but how you relate and react to things happening can change everything. I used to feel miserable but now I don't think life is misery, I think life is joy! It's ok to turn off the phone, get in the car and leave and go somewhere for you, buy some clothes that fit right, go be alone, watch a movie no guilt!
Make a list of things you are greatful for and look at it every morning, really feel it.
That worked for me but it took a long time just to take that first step of not feeling guilty for saying no, not answering the phone, doing the right thing for me and my kids first, etc. I hope that you find some peace, so much of it really is how you think about it. I'm sorry there are so many things at once, I know it is overwhelming but you can't let it get the best of you and bog you down. I don't know if this helps in any way or if it's just more of the same ol same ol for you but if you grab it and run with it then it just might help you.
