I have learned from therapy that my daughter (a couple years ago) didn't need to hear "why" things happened which is rationalization, she just needed her pain to be acknowledged that things happened.  I could do that and then it made sense to apologize.  I didn't really feel like it was taking the blame or anything about me in that context - it was being there for her and saying I am sorry that these things happened.  For the ones that were directly my error, I had remorse and my apology was even more heartfelt.  She was hurting and I could see this helped - her therapist had taught me something new and different.

After that experience, I realized that no one in my lifetime ever told me that they were wrong and they were sorry.  Everything was explained or rationalized so that I felt that I needed to just understand that stuff happens.  Sometimes I felt bad because somehow it all came back to me, if I had done something different then they would have done something different so indirectly the issue was my fault so I should understand.  If I didn't understand or tried to disagree, then I would be subjected to further analysis and justification until I just would give in and believe I understood.  That does not not resolve pain.  I only understand this now.

Then I saw siblings when I was very young (during a 40 year disagreement) where one tried to apologize and was not forgiven.  I'm sorry was used for bumping into people accidently etc, not for admitting wrong doing.  Forgiveness was not present, grudges were held and it was water under the bridge.  I guess this is the behavior of an A from past generations as there were not any alcoholics in my home where I grew up.

It is so subtle, so accepted and such a part of me that my knee jerk reactions are pretty consistantly incorrect.  That plus growing up where along with not celebrating good stuff (maybe considered as showing off, bragging or being ostentacious) but those with sad or bad stuff were the center of attention with worry, problem solving, folks doing things to help, lots of advice etc ad nauseum.  I got so sick of unsolicited advice that I often did the opposite, even if I secretly agreed with the advice giver, just to rebel.  That didn't work very well for me either.  My AH has said I am just rebelling against him, hmmmm.

Then, my AH does not compromise, it's his way, the right way or takes no responsibility.  His parents are good at this too - AH & his family do or say things in a way that if you disagree or take a stand against it with logical input, they are not wrong and can deny they said or did or meant that. Often, if I disagreed with AH about parenting issues, for example, - if I didn't agree with him, he wouldn't compromise so left it to me & had no part of any resolution or action.  If what I did, caused any problems, it was my fault - unspoken often but diliked the smug body language.  I didn't want the total responsibility, I wasn't confident I was correct but not confident he was correct - oh, ok, in complete honesty, I felt sure he was very wrong!!  (:  This is all very subtle too.

When AH is faced with any sound critism where he can't throw the blame at someone else then he goes for his sad story of how he didn't know, meant well, and throwing heaps of guilt at the kids plus going for the sympathy response to let himself off the hook.  It is rare to hear acknowledgement for any wrong doing or apology.  The kids figured this out and it fu3led their anger.  They are more accepting of his ways now as they have accepted it and don't plan to live at home any longer so it doesn't really affect them - more of a non issue.

But I still automatically go to over exageration, turn the anger inward at myself for my incorrect reactions and basically try to get attention in negative ways like getting sick, whining, seeking others to change and I want to stop that.  I guess I am trying to figure this all out as I write.  I understand myself better now and hope that awareness & admitting it all will help me to accept this so I can change.  Al Anon explains justification as a cop out too so it all adds up to make a lot of sense.  Not sure how but hope practice will bring progress in many areas.

Thanks for reading this long, though calm & reflective, rant.  My first response is to be sad but I want to work at this removal of negativity in my head and my life.  I'd like to be angry to sort of clean out this clutter in my head so I can move on but that seems like it would only be a tantrum about life isn't fair. DUH!

Trying to get off the pity pot,
ddub

ddub