The material presented
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how rude of me to run in and yell "help!" then not come back for a week! my A is the one who attempted suicide on New Year's day.
i got hit by a virus, so i've been pretty out of it. i hope to feel better soon and get to posting to others here :) i got the books i ordered, the 4th step workbook and also "Living with Sobriety" which looks very good. i'm looking forward to reading and journaling.
my A is on a hair-trigger the last few days. he was apologetic when first home from the hospital, 3 days later he started taking my inventory again, nit-picking at me.
my A actually said "i'm an enabler because of you" tonight. my head is still spinning! he got more insulting, i ended up crying ... crying is what i do. i understand that makes him uncomfortable sometimes, but once the faucet is open, oh well. i held his hand and simply asked how he felt. he started listing my faults. i asked again how HE FELT. he finally said he felt angry and sad, and then after a while he said "i'm protecting myself." i said "okay," and settled down beside him.
i always respond to him this way, just asking questions. and i accept his answers, when he speaks about himself. you'd think that after 2 years it would tell him "hey, you've got a woman here who listens to you, and hears you, and believes you! and doesn't press you for more!" ..but no. i think it's fine that he feels protective of himself, and i know he has his own ways of doing that, even if i don't agree with them.
it's almost like he *wants* a fight, and is disappointed when he doesn't get one. but then again, finding disappointment everywhere. i'm an optimist, but it's hard to stay focused on the positive during barrages of all that is wrong with me, with my daughter, with our home. i tell him, "if you want to tell me what you're going through, i will listen!" but he goes back to all about me. bleahhhh!!!! and blargle, too ;)
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Firstly, I so hope you are feeling much better and eating and drinking plenty after the virus. If it is anything like the virus that is going around here it is pretty heavy and takes time to really recover from. Due to my compromised immune system I have had three bouts of it and it has taken it's toll, so take care of yourself, and rest when you can, that means putting your feet up and doing something nice for you.
Secondly, I read your post and thought there was an echo in my life. Truly that was me too. Always there for A, listening, asking, reassuring only to be insulted, abused and told I was the reason, I was the enabler, I was the one who caused him to feel like he did and him always spoiling for a fight; the home was my responsibility just as the children were and there was no pleasing him. He told me that I did not love him, care about him or even bother with the children!
For goodness sake, he was in the forces and I lived the life of a one parent family for the first 15 years of the children's lives because he was not there for them and even when he was he was not there for them, and he certainly was not there for me AT ANY TIME. IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM.
Yep, I cried an ocean too and I took that for twenty years...'cos he was an A before we got married and all the way through it too.
No, I am not surprised that he does not notice that you listen let alone accept his answers, because it is ALL ABOUT THE HIM.
This is the nature of the disease and I am so sorry for you and if I was there I would be handing you the tissues and the hugs and telling you what a great mother/homemaker you are; however that does not compensate for the fact that HE does not see that or say it and is so negative.
You were very much in my prayers before and you will remain so. Keep coming back here for there are some wonderful people here who have so much understanding and sharing and love to give. You are not alone in this.
My way of coping with all the negativity was to try to make like 'water off a duck's back' and look for affirmation in other places...and not to expect it from my A...he could only deal with himself and could NOT give me that.
Not much help but you will have to forgive me for not being in a very good place at this moment and I cannot think how else to encourage you.
Take care, come here often and read and read and talk and talk, it is very cathartic just to get it all out of your head.
Love in recovery Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I think many of us do this same thing. The hand-holding, the sympathetic ear, the giving, giving, giving, giving....then giving a little more because we're not sure if we've given quite enough. When my A and I broke up years ago, he said some truly ugly things, and said some things like, "you never cared about me" etc. I took that to heart thinking that he never felt cared about. (oh no!!! I didn't give enough!!) Of course, he was just pushing my buttons. When we got back together last year, he apologized for all of that stuff, and told me that he had lashed out because he was hurting so badly. He told me that of all the people in his life at that time, I was the one who least deserved that treatment.
I've learned so much since those days. I'm so grateful.
I have learned through al anon that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sometimes it takes a good deal of trial and error, followed by self reflection, to identify areas of our life where we employ insanity. The 4th step is a great place for self-reflection. Keep coming back! Babysteps
What a tough time when you are looking for him to recognize you. I can give you my ESH I once attempted suicide, years and years and years ago. I know I upset deeply the people I was around. I was deeply deeply depressed and not able to recognize how very ill I was. There are some great texts on depression now one being Andrew Solomon's The Noonday Demon published by Scribner. Andrew goes pretty deep into what a deeply depressed mind thinks like.
There are also chapters on suicide. I hope your AH is getting treatment for himself. Do you see a counselor. I would currently leap at being able to see a counselor but my life isn't a place to arrange it right now. I have always found therapy very very helpful. I found some way out of feeling hopeless and helpless with that.
When I was deeply deeply suicidal I had no idea how my behavior affected others. I was totally lost in a self absorbed morass of self pity, despair and deeply internalized rage. I dont' think I had a moment to think about how anyone else was thinking. William Styron has also written a book about his own depression (which I believe was alcohol related).
I am glad you can come here and put out what you are feeling. I think its very hard to relate to someone who is deeply mentally ill.
Heartbroken, i can't thank you enough for your kind and supportive words. makes me cry reading it, good cleansing tears.
there's one thing i still don't understand!! if it's all about him, why does he talk about me and my actions and my words and his assumptions of my agendas?? i'd love it if he only talked about himself!!
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
round3: omg yes, he does say things like "you don't care about me"! it's amazing to me, his labrynthine way of thinking. at any time when he's not actively yelling loudly or swearing and insulting ... or running out the door throwing a fit ... in other words the calmer times ... i can let it all go. i close my eyes and stop anything i'm doing when he says something off the wall, say a quick prayer or just breathe deeply for a few seconds.
then again, there are times he interprets my taking a breather as me ""thinking up something to say to hurt him." he probably knows by now that i am a VERY blunt and open person, i do what i say and i say what i do, i'm an open book. i say to him, if he sees me sitting and breathing, then i am SITTING AND BREATHING! *wry laughter*
ohhhhh this is a wild ride. he told me it would be a gauntlet, and my love for him told me that i could run this gauntlet with him. a few times i've thought "i quit" but i have my own reserves of strength and faith, i just have to remember to draw on them and then i'm okay.
i just want to weep when i only see his profile for hours, i'm dying to gaze into his beautiful, soulful eyes, dying to hear his voice that i love so much, dying to put my hand on his heart and feel it beating. but i know i have to let him process whatever he's processing. it feels physically painful in my heart to turn and walk away.
whew. thank you all for listening to me ramble. the support here is incredible and i am soooo, so grateful for it! peace
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
