The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is NO WAY we as non addicts can relate to how an addict feels anymore thant an addict relating to a non addict.
Our idea of choice is totalling different than an A.
I hear alllll the time, the A saying,they want to be "normal." They see how non addict live and think that is the norm. Really I believe we all live in different ways. So is normal not being an addict?
Addicts are. non addicts are.
Different thought processes using or not. Where as we non addicts think, the A in recovery is working so hard to learn how to do be the best person they can be with out using.
Anyhow it just hit me as the same as how a woman cannot perceive like a man nor a man perceive like a woman.
good point debilyn. Although I sometimes feel as obsessed about the A's in my life as the A's feel about their drug of choice, I THINK. I cannot know for sure if the obsession is the same or not. Got to keep an open mind. We are in the same game though, the A's and us. Are we flip sides to the same coin? I don't know, its too complicated to say its simply only that.
Me and normal parted company long ago so I have a great deal of difficulty even conceiving of what that could possibly mean to anyone at all. thanks for your insights. Hugs, J.
LOL Debilyn...you don't need a lightbulb...you are a light! I had a friend who I met when my ex was in rehab. We all hung out for awhile when they got out. This friend used to question me all the time about the fact that I did LOTS of drugs when I was younger and I never became "addicted". I had many, many problems because of the drugs and the choices I made while on them, but when I quit, I never went back (I believe I switched my "addiction" to my A and here I am in recovery for that). It just baffled him. He questioned me about my thoughts, my feelings, the hows and whys. He was trying so hard to understand how I could do drugs and not get addicted and he did. No matter what I said he never got it and sometimes would be mad (not at me) that These were the facts. He was an A. Simple. He couldn't understand (at that point) how badly I was effected by Aism. That he couldn't fathom either. Trying to explain to him that I wasn't addicted, I had no desire to use but my life was severley damaged by my A. It was like speaking to someone who doesn't speak the language very well. We had some common words to allow us to comunicate about some things. I think the longer we were in recovery the easier it became to understand.
Normal is a badly abused word. It's used scientifically to describe a majority, or a mean average, but can only be used to accurately measure one specific attribute at a time. And I mean, really specific. Each of us has millions of attributes.
We usually label people who break the law as "abnormal". But there are plenty of law abiding citizens that we'd also label abnormal. And the USA was founded by lawbreakers after all, who perhaps weren't normal either - but would we call them abnormal?
I do believe however that any individual has to balance the desire to "fit in" with the desire to "stand out". The A - particularly the male A - is more likely to be a stand-out type. That certainly describes me. Calling me normal would have been an insult. Call me genius, idiot, asshole, rebel, jerk, curmudgeon, willful, manipulative, lazy.... but don't call me normal or "average". I usually made sure nobody thought that about me, no matter what it took.
Being a standout has a price, and I think at some point many of us become aware that it IS a choice. I don't HAVE to stand out at everything I do. It's not beneficial to me. I can pick and choose where to fit in, and where to stand out, based on my own self interest. I do consider the adjectives "unique", "standout", "one of a kind", to be complimentary... in fact I consider them the highest compliment of all. Many people feel exactly the opposite, and by paying attention I've come to realize that most people don't think like I do.
That doesn't make me better than, or less than anyone else. It doesn't make me normal, or abnormal. The best any of us will ever be is human. Our creator gave us the desire for more, but not the ability. This enigma, while endlessly frustrating to us - must serve our HP in some way, or we wouldn't have it. In what way, I don't understand.
I absolutely agree, Deb. I don't see how we could possibly truely understand each others side. At least not until we each have a lot of recovery and open minded comunication. Even then we simply aren't going to get everything, we will just have more empathy which is a good thing too.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I was once talking to an alcoholic/addict in recovery telling him a little about why I was in al-anon. He could not comprehend that I could be so obsessed with another person, that I could have been suicidal...all while I was sober!
It was an interesting conversation to say the least. We both walked away with a little more understanding of the realities of addiction. No matter what the addiction is.
I think for me I have to pretty careful not to think I am healthy and they are not. I do not think any more the kind of way I've behaved super victim, super controller, out of my mind in pain, obsession, anger is healthy. I used to. I no longer really try to think how an A thinks. I do spend a lot of time working on how I think and how I can get better.
I was once talking to an alcoholic/addict in recovery telling him a little about why I was in al-anon. He could not comprehend that I could be so obsessed with another person, that I could have been suicidal...all while I was sober!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my A BF (now ex). We were having a telephone conversation some time back while he was drinking (oh yes....I'm guilty of doing that). Anyway - I was telling him that I had never quit caring about him since we broke up the time before (10 years earlier). His response to that? "Why can't you just let go of me?" He didn't say it in a nasty way - it was said more like he was literally trying to understand my attachment to him. It was eye-opening for me, though. This from a man who has never spent more than 6 years away from a bottle in the 32 years that he's been drinking!! Yet HE couldn't understand MY not being able to let go of something.
Who knows why we have addictions? Why we have the compulsion for something or someone. It feels good (at least in the short term) is the best answer I can come up with. As I sit here now - with some perspective - I think, "I couldn't tolerate this person as my significant other today." (and I'm thinking it kind of smugly!!) But yet, tomorrow or next week or next year, I may wake up and out of the blue - just have a burning need.
I don't know about that. As someone with a little bit of time in AA, after awhile, many of the crew I run around with agree that there is a level of choice and responsibility involved. That at some level, the alcholic/addict is accountable to their family/employers/etc. I know we also feel that the excuses are a dime/doz and, really, tell it to the sailors, the marienes don't want to hear it. Now, having said that, I needed personally to recover from my role in the family dysfunction, too. I needed to involve myself in al anon because I needed to look at how I had behaviors that encouraged living in chaos 24/7. As I often say, life is not khol's, but I behaved as if it was: everything was crisis level drama; everything was worth having a panic attack over; everything needed my involvement; everything needed my presence. Al anon has shown me otherwise. As I often hear from people who involve themselves in AA & Al anon: AA shows and continues to show me how to save my life and live my life; al anon showed and continues to show me how to mind my own business. I can't agree more.
Man, did you ever nail the reason for Alanon in the following statement:
I had behaviors that encouraged living in chaos 24/7. As I often say, life is not khol's, but I behaved as if it was: everything was crisis level drama; everything was worth having a panic attack over; everything needed my involvement; everything needed my presence.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I read responses,I am hoping you guys realize I do not believe the word normal when it comes to people.
I was thinking I would accept it in for instance a chem screen or something. But then I thought now wait a minute, a cholesteral of 210 may be normal for me, but for someone else, not be. (even though they are accepted that way)
The square peg in me always looks at things different than most. I don't see an "at risk" kid as not worth the time. Some of our greatest inventors, actors etc have been people with add or adhd. Some of our greatest people were and are square pegs. If no one thought differently or learned differently things would not change. Diversity to me is soooo natural. How would we like it if flowers were all pink or shades of that. Or all people were red with dk brown eyes? I love diversity. Normal to me means nothing.
I also want to add, I apologise for the typo's and words messed up in my post. I will try to remember to proof. At night I have to take pain med and this other dipstick pill and I cannot think as well. (normal,hahaha)
my truck won't start will someone please bring a pick up and keep me company and help me get food,feed, meds...I am out of everything!!!
love,debilyn hitching up the horse and wagon.....(c:
) But yet, tomorrow or next week or next year, I may wake up and out of the blue - just have a burning need.