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I received divorce papers last week. I knew they were coming. We went to a counseling appt with the kids this afternoon to talk about it and it broke my heart. My 14 yr old son cried openly and my 10 yr old daughter sat silent, but cried herself to sleep tonight. It was suppposed to be an open communication, but we all had little to say. The kids were supposed to ask questions, but didn't. We are all so broken.
Our house is chaos and I am the culprit. Nightimes are hideous. My emotions control us all. I am becoming overwhelmed with what divorce means. I have way too many decisions to make. My life is a mess and I have slept very little in the past week. I don't know what to do next.
Coinicidentally, the attorneys we each chose share office space. They have agreed to offering us a "cooperative" divorce, meaning they would work together (no court) and we would share consultants (appraisers, therapists, etc) to get it done without court and as quickly and cheaply as possible. The downside is if we can't come to an agreement then we would have to get litigation attorneys and start all over. Also, I have to trust that my attorney would be making all suggestions in my best interest and not because he is good friends with the other attorney. A leap of faith for sure. I am hoping the fact that my ah has been such a scumbag could work in my favor.
Here is the deal... we own a home with a significant mortgage, and just this summer opened a brand new facility for our business. That business was our dream. Though my ah was the professional working it, I sacrificed everything and worked it too, and built my life and lost my marriage for it. That said, my name is also on 2.5 million $ worth of loans. Given the newness of it and what the market is, it may not even be worth that. The financial aspect is shaky. His sobriety is key for the long run. That place could be a landmine or a goldmine.
I can anticipate already how the settlement will go because my ah has alluded to it. They will propose I get the house and he gets the business. If the value appraises well, I want to suggest it all be sold. We could get all debts paid off and walk away with little, if anything. My ah does not belong owning a business. He has abused every aspect of it. There is no way he would agree to such a thing.
Then again, that place is my childrens' future. I wonder if in the divorce settlement it could be legally stated that if my ah were to remarry, that a prenuptual be made that his new spouse has no interest. Probably a tough one given this is a community property state. I don't know if I would be able to afford to keep our house. I do know, however, that I do not want to have to compromise our quality of life just to keep it. The market is so bad now though it would probably serve us well to wait before selling.
Of course, the driving force of concern behind all this is that my ah has a married alcoholic mother of 2 girlfriend. My kids and I love this town. It is safe and comfortable, and we have many friends. But, because of the girlfriend situation I feel I need to leave and start new. My daughter is friends with her daughter and I fear the emotional damage the truth will cause her. It upsets me that I will let her control me so much that I would uproot my kids and move them from their home and thier dad. I do not want her hands on our business. I don't want her anywhere near my kids. I do not want an assault charge on my record if I were to run into her.
I'm assuming her husband still doesn't know. If I stay silent will they gradually come out like it was a blossoming relationship? My gut still tells me to stay quiet, but I am boiling inside.
Alcoholism/addiction aside, I can say that neither one of us can be what the other wants/needs. We've know each other for 24 yrs and are now strangers. I was not happy or miserable in our marriage, but accepting of what was. We had a home, children, financial stability, friends and family. I saw the warning signs, but ignored them all and didn't put any effort into strengthening our marriage. I just thought he loved me. I take much responsibility for what is now an incredibly sad situation.
Then again, he has cheated on me at least 3 times (only found out this past yr), all with emplyees. He put his work above everything else. He is a workaholic, alcoholic, drug addict, riddled with crippling back problems and is selfish and self-centered. He is not a prize. I realize it is a huge statement about me that I have even wanted to salvage anything. The unknown is so scary.
I just had to get this out. Thank you for being here. Maybe now I can get a little bit of sleep.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
((((((((((lou))))))))))))), I'm so sorry it's come to this.
If you can, maybe leave the decision about moving/not moving for later? No need to lock yourself in in the heat of the moment. And as you say, stability for the kids is huge if you can swing it.
And ah - an affair with a married woman is not what they call a no fault divorce. Be sure your atty knows about this.
Dear Lou, I am going through a divorce also. I can relate to your insecurity and fear of the unknown....and to the sadness and mourning....
What helps me to move forward, is when I consider how I fought with HP over my marriage for years and years. I prayed for an outcome... that HP would FIX this relationship once and for all!!!!!!!!! It took me a long, long time to realize that my marriage has cost me too much. And the lesson, is for me to take care of myself...once and for all. How fascinating for me to learn... that I matter, and that HP loves me. That I can let go and let God.
When my fears arise about the outcome of the divorce....money....the alimony....whether or not he'll be able to keep his job....I know I must fight the FEAR and replace it with FAITH. Faith in my HP...who has brought me to this point of self-care, this "opportunity"....a divorce. Faith that whatever happens is going to be okay. As I practice TRUST ....firmly making the decision to turn my will and my life over to His care....I remember that His power is greater than myself, than alcoholism, than homelessness....or anything else I fear. My HP owns the Universe!!! What do I have to fear? Leave the outcome to God.
My children are older, they are in college and have their own apts. My family of origin is in another state and sometimes I feel I need their support. I am torn over whether or not I should move near them or stay here, near my children. I am waiting for HP to reveal to me, what would be best. I am waiting and trusting that it WILL be revealed, in God's time. Until then, I will do nothing. I will wait.
I relate to your anxiety over the craziness of the situation! It is so hard not to feel the fear. What I am learning is that there is much more power in being still. Be still, be quiet. Sit in His presence. I can then achieve the ultimate goal....peace. And, when I struggle with that, I make every attempt to make more meetings, where I always feel connected again. I can trust the fellowship...always.
Trust that HP will bring to you what you need. Trust the 12 steps. Trust the fellowship.
Love in recovery!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I realise that decisions were made FOR ME because of my fear of doing the wrong thing and I unwittingly allowed those decisions to be made for me.
I was paralysed by fear and I as I had no idea what options I had and no help at the time I know that more damage was done because of this.
Today I have to tools and the knowledge that I did NOT have twenty years ago and I realise I was bullied by a male dominated environment that I was in.
However, it is never to late to learn and there is ONE thing that I have learned over time, which is this.
DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR WHOLE FUTURE IN A MOMENT. Take time to think things through, take advice from wherever you feel is trustworthy and honest to you. Be still and rest as glad lee says, trust the fellowship, the programme, and sit in His presence until you feel peace about a possible decision. It it feels uncomfortable it is often NOT the right one and needs more thought.
Just my experience learned from errors of judgment and action in my past. Do not let anyone rush you into making a hasty decision. Remember the saying, "Act in haste, repent at leisure." Time in this case is "MONEY" WELL SPENT.
Recovering from a broken heart. Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
WOW, millions of dollars? It's mind boggling. I know when I left I was scared but I think the more you have the more you have to lose. We didn't have that much. One house, two cars. The house sold, I lost one car with my name on it but I can wait 7 years, the other car still has his name on it and I may have to return that one if I can't get his name off of it. Not much of a loss in comparison to millions in debt that is hanging in the balance of his sobriety. I'm so so so sorry! Sounds like he might be a sex addict too he cheated on you with 3 women from his work? Guess he cheated on the new girlfriend too. At least you know now that he's no prize and you can take some satisfaction in knowing what she has coming! You always end up getting what you deserve in the end when you take someone else's man.
I'm just wondering, what about alimony and child support? I know that also hinges on him continuing to work but it seems with all the cheating and other poor behavior that you would be a shoe in for maximum support. As for the business, it might be better to get your name off of it and walk with the house, maybe you can insist that the house be paid off in return for giving up interest in the business. Also, you could insist that the kids retain interest in the business. I know it's hard to imagine but I would just picture the worst case scenario and plan for that. I guess that would be either A: he gets so caught up in drugs/alcohol that he loses everything and ends up homeless and in jail (like mine) OR B: He marries this girlfriend and takes on her kids and forgets all about his other family including the kids. I know it seems unlikely in the beginning but it ends up working out that way very very often. I think the worst thing you can do is take an it won't happen to me attitude because I'm sure you never thought any of this would happen to you but it has and it is clear that you can't rely on him at all. If I were you I would get absolutely everything I could for myself and the kids and not even worry about him. I also would put absolutely NO faith in him doing what he's supposed to do. I don't know if this would work out with the "nice" divorce route where everyone is friendly and in agreement. It may cost more for a lawyer up front but in the long run I think you'll get more in the end if you fight.
I am struggling with the move or stay. First of all, and this is the hardest thing for me to do, is think of this as a business deal. The divorce. When it comes to who gets what and how, take away you emotions and do what is in YOUR best interest. There is NO way that you will be able to control his future and who he marries and what happens with his business. All you have is today. Today, you have to put away your love, your compassion and get what you deserve. And honey, you deserve WAY more than you will get. I understand your wanting to take responsiblity for your part. But now is NOT the time. It is NOT up to you to "save" anything. It is HIS business no matter what you contributed. Let that go. You will be fine no matter if HIS business goes under, no matter if you had to declare bankrupsey, foreclosure, YOU will be ok. No matter if he decides to marry the Queen Of England...YOU will be ok. It will pass. Divorce from an A is like a war. I see you trying to still make it all ok. It's NOT ok! I see you still trying to show your love for him by being very accomadating. Just be careful that you don't "accomadate" yourself and your kids into poverty.
It sounds like you have come to acceptence of this happening. I am so sorry. He is in the wrong. Yes, you have faults, we all do. But YOUR faults did NOT lead to the collapse of your marriage. HIS actions and decisions did. He should be held accountable.
Ofcourse your home is feeling chaotic. Ofcourse you feel awful. Staying with him and wanting to salvage your marriage says that you are a wonderful, loving, forgiving human being. That's all that says. It speaks to what kind of incredible mother you are. Yes, the unknown is scarey but why can't it be exciting insted? The reality you are living is scarey, the future holds all possibilities for you and your kids. Don't decide today what tomarrow will be. We don't know.
Make extra sure that your lawyer is working ONLY for YOUR best interest. I have an idiot for a lawyer and that has really screwed me. You are going to get thru this, your kids are going to get thru this. And who's to say an unsigned note to the GF's husband was really from you? No, let go and let God get em!
Don't panic yet; these types of litigation settlements are designed with everyone's mental health in mind, esp the children's. I'm sure that the fact that your children's futures are at stake has not escaped the observation of the atty. Also, if there were any concern about professionalism and impropriety, the case would not have been taken on. So, having said that, for your own sake, at the first meeting, voice these fears out loud. Say how you feel and what your fears are. Use "I" statements. Allow your fears to hold you hostage and you'll be a hostage to your fears. Secondly, I've read about the kind of litigation you're engaging in; there's a great deal of success it seems, and that since therapy is a mandatory part of it, there's an emphasis on everyone dealing with their feelings. It insists that the kids especially directly express to their parents their feelings and hurt about the divorce and that the parents keep the divorce between them, which means that the infamous games that get played during the divorce proceedings have lessend. That's a big deal, because how many kids have we seen here on the board have their lives ruined by vengeful ex's getting back at the al anon? It also means that the parents, divorced or not, set down unified ground rules for the kids; the grades need to stay at X level, or Y will result; the fact that you tried to sneak out to do Z means that A is the result. This means for the kids that, indeed, we are still your parents, and really, we will still be your parents; you can't do what you want out of anger, revenge, or fear; we will always be your parents, and we know you. It also means that you won't be able to be controlled by guilt or shaming from your kids; that you have a professional therapist backing you up will mean that the kids can't play the "well if you hadn't..." card, because a professional will be saying "You can't blame your parents for getting caught doing..." In the end, this type of divorce you're engaging in seems to be highly successful, extremely economic, and healthier for all. Lastly, this would be an excellent time to strengthen your relationship with your higher power. If you don't know how, lean on us, and we'll show you. Keep us posted, and we'll be here.
Lou, I have heard so many positive things about this type of divorce arrangement: "amicable" divorce. From women who have gone through them. They are very common here in Hawaii, in fact some firm her claims to have invented the idea (I do not think so) and been doing it since the 70's. Anyway, put some faith and trust in that.
Also, this is much easier said than done but try to stay in one day at a time. Do not get too far ahead, there are many many unknown factors. Keep it simple and take it one day at a time. Know that your HP loves you and is clearing the very best path for you regardless of how it may seem. Trust in your HP, you are being provided with an engraved invitation to deepen and strengthen your trust in your HP and HP would not have brought you here unless HP planned on walking you through it, side by side. Keep positive images like this in your brain at all times. Let bits and pieces go to HP every single day as you go through all this.
Its good to vent here, come and do it often. Another name for this site could be HP fed ex direct!!! Overnight your problems to HP today! Hugs, J.
Take your time and make sure you're comfortable with things before you sign them. Make sure you understand whatever you're agreeing to. If there's a third party you trust to read through and make sure things are what you think they are, all the better. You need to protect yourself and the kids financially. I stuck it out with my A, thinking things were bound to turn around. Naturally, they didn't. Now, at the age of 47, I'm living with my 78-year-old mom and my three kids. While I'm grateful to be here, the old adage "you can't go home again" has some basis in fact. It ain't easy. When I finish my tax return and have some numbers for last year, I'll be applying for food stamps. Don't let anyone bulldoze you into something you don't want. Take care of you. We're here for.
oh Lou hang in there! Back when I got a divorce, I was focused on behaving in a manner I could be proud of, knowing my memory of me would always follow me. What planet was I on? I did not watch out for myself sufficiently. I had never practiced it. In retrospect, I would now tell her husband whatever I wanted. I am not keeping anyone's secrets anymore. I do abide by confidentiality of someone's addiction, but to me this is different. I now see taking care of myself as my priority. I am not interested in being a good girl. She grew up. We all get over other people's behavior over time. It is we (and our children) who remain. Keep posting and attending f2f. so valuable! Jill
I was so intertwined with the exA. We had cars (he got both of them), a home, pets the works. I think it is so hard to unravel all that. All I can say is you will get through it. I am still dealing with the credit implications of leaving. I knew it would be very very hard to leave. I also knew it would be hard to stay. When it gets harder to stay that's the tipping point.
I tried some legal means of separating stuff from the A. Despite his incredible dysfunction. he fougt tooth and nail and even engaged in fraud to get what he wanted. He frauded the transfer of title on the truck. Then he totaled it. then he took the money from the insurance. Quite a scam. I don't think it was a scam. I think he can't drive without trying to kill himself but he is also totally belligerant about getting what he wants.
I am so so so so so so glad I do not deal with him anymore. I count my blessings. I know it is so so so hard to let go but it possible. I am decimate financialy but spirtually and emotionally I have gained.
The A pit me against everyone, his friends, his family, the neighbors, the doctors (he had) every single person he portrayed me as some witch. I felt betrayed and abandoned on so many levels. I don't anymore. I feel my own person. I no longer care or even try to find out what he says about me. I have clues. I have no control over that.
You have recieved lots of good esh re the legal proceedings and getting through it all. I just add that I wouldn't be surprised if this is one of the typical ways any family would react. Perhaps some kids would be able to ask questions but the first reaction would be to get their feelings or reaction out which would be healthy rather than being stonefaced or building a wall that they didn't care. Shows how well you are doing for them by not putting too much on them other than the action at hand until they ask questions which may come later. After the initial wave of emotions to grieve, they could find some relief that there is a decision instead of being in limbo.
So when I read this "Our house is chaos and I am the culprit." I am sorry you and your children are going through all this chaos but you are not the culprit in any fashion. Another quote (on my fridge) "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth." You look like a hero for yourself and your kids from my viewpoint. Hang in there.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
