The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am brand new here. I am 23 year old mother of a 2.5 year old daughter. And I am the wife of a drug addict. My husband has been addicted to pain meds for over 3 years. He has been in 5 car accidents (1 of which was very serious and caused the early birth of our daughter) and has 2 DUIs (he would have 1 more, but a merciful cop called me to pick him up instead). We separated last April after his ex girlfriend called me in the middle of night to let me know that he had been with her and he got pulled over and was arrested for warrants. I recently decided to file for divorce and have a meeting with a lawyer this Thursday. He moved to TN about a week ago to live with an old friend and pursue a job opportunity (he hasn't worked in a year and a half). He is also planning on using this time away from his old life to focus on recovery.
All of this time, I knew it was bad, but I no clue how bad. I got into his email yesterday and found the most upsetting news of my life: he had been injecting not only pain meds, but also heroin for the last 6 months before he left (this secret was spilled in a letter to his sister). I am now falling apart. For the last 6 months, all of my money has gone to heroin and oxycontin. He has been high while keeping our daughter. He has OD's twice. I don't know how to handle this new information and thoughts of needles going into his arms consume my head. I can't sleep. So, I am going to start attended Al Anon meetings, along with his sister, and hopefully become active on this board. I feel like I have no one to talk to- my family doesn't understand addiction at all and has no clue why I've stayed around this long. My friends think I'm insane and I can't have a real conversation with them about this- they think I can just forget and move on. They have no clue what feelings come along with all of this.
Anyway, there is my story and if anyone has any words of wisdom I will gladly listen. I appreciate any support you could give me, and I will try my best to be a good supporter to all of you. Thank you.
Welcome to MIP! Thnaks for sharing your story. I think you'll find a lot of us here have similar stories and we understand what you're going through.
I very much relate to what you've shared. I was married to my A for 10 years or so before things started to go wrong. Over the next 5 or 6 years it degenerated gradually until I couldn't take anymore (I left him September 2006, divorce was final March 2007). He was an alcoholic as well as a cocaine addict. He spent every cent we had, and then some. I didn't realize it was so bad until it was nearly too late. Somehow, I managed to get through the divorce, sell our house, and pay off a large amount of the debt he incurred. He still owes me a huge amount of money... he has a job and is paying a small amount each week.
I learned a lot here and received a lot of support from the members here. I'm still struggling financially, but I'm happier having a relatively chaos-free life. I'm actually in a new relationship (9 months) with a great man who is definitely not an A.
I wish you all the best. Keep coming here and reading and sharing. Take care of you.... Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
You have come to the right place for experience, strength and hope. Meetings help. REading the Alanon literature helps. It is amazing how the disease impacts us all. Remember that you didn't cause, cant cure it and can't control it. Take care of yourself and your family.
My daughters name is Lauren, and she is about your age. You have defininely come to the right place. We will always be here with ESH (Experience, strength and hope).
I have become much stronger since Al-anon and coming to this site. My husband is an A and my father was also an A. I have learned to care about myself, and also how to react to my AH (Alcoholic husband) since coming here. I have also learned that no matter what I do or don't do, I will not make my AH drink or not drink he must decide that for himself.
I will pray for you and your daughter. Keep coming back.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
My husband was also a heroin addict. He's actually in jail as I write this for posession of heroin. Since I moved out of the house almost a year and a half ago he has lost several jobs, gotten duis, lost our truck to the impound yard, stolen a car and totalled it, been in and out of jail and is homeless. For me, remembering that words are just words was very important. I always took him on his word, now it is actions that get my attention. Words mean nothing. I would definitely get myself tested for HIV immeditely and again in 3 and 6 months. Needles are no laughing matter, especially if he shared them with anyone. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me and I'll share my experience with you.
Welcome to MiP, and you'll find all kinds of great people here who DO understand, and have either gone through, or are currently going through, similar situations....
Many times, our family/friends - even if they mean well, are simply not knowledgable enough about addiction to offer much more than a loving ear.... Sometimes it is best to keep a recovery group in places like here and/or Al-Anon, and not have too many expectations of your family/friends to fully understand.....
My two cents on your initial post, is that I don't really see what the new information has really changed..... an addict is an addict is an addict, whether it is pain meds, heroin, alcohol, or whatever..... also, what's done is done, and you are definitely on the path to recovery for you and your daughter.... Getting into Al-Anon, reading books and learning about this crap, and getting here and sharing - all huge positives for you!!!
One book I always highly recommend would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. It was a lifesaver for me, and taught me sooooo much.
Best of luck Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
THank you all for your responsonses. I never in a million years would have thought he was injecting the pain meds, let alone heroin. What is so upsetting is the fact that he took care of our daughter every day while I was at work, and managed to take care of his addiction at the same time. Swallowing a pill is one thing. Injecting heroin in front of her is another. I have no idea what she has seen, but it absolutely terrifies me. Its so hard to beleive that someone that I've loved so much for so long actually stuck needles in his arm. He has exposed himself and his family to HIV and so many other diseases.
He has also manipulated me into beleiving that its my fault that he is still an addict and that his addiction came to that point- I wasn't supportive enough, I was a cold wife, I never understood- and all of that drove him to be more of an addict. Your words are encouraging. You are the first people to tell me that this may not be my fault, and I may not have had the role in it that he has made me feel.
I do have a question- are all al anon meetings open to new members? Is it OK that my ex isn't an alcoholic, rather a drug addict? I think the principals are the same no matter what the addiction, I just want to make sure that regular al anon would be the place for me and his family.
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CANNOT CURE IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT.
This is one mantra that is really worth its weight in gold. Keep on saying it to yourself, especially when he mouths the words or tries to manipulate you into believing that it is your fault.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT...HE HAS CHOICES...HE MAKES THEM...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Welcome to this wonderful family, keep coming back here, we will listen, we will support, we will care and we will share.
Love in recovery, healing - Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
welcome LaurenLou - yes this is surely the place for you! Your live has been affected by someone else's addiction. Some locations have nar-anon (for those affected by someone else's addition to narcotics), but most do not and they are among our members in AlAnon. I encourage you to attend a face to face meeting. You can get literature there, find people in person who will support you, share their experiences with you and get real hugs. Find one with babysitting. Come here for online meetings, too. Keep posting on this board. You can find happiness whether the person whose behavior affects you is in recovery or not. Jill
LaurenLou, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in your struggle. I am new to all of this as well and just seeing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel by the wisdom of others is helping me so much. I will pray for your family and your situation. God Bless:)
